HAPPY 2009!

HAPPY 2009 KITTENS! A VLOG treat for you all!

Typical

Oh, and by the way, I was convinced I lost my hotel room key this evening.

Just found it.

Underneath my new green clutch [visible in previous post's exhibit C].

I am a DITZASTER.

Lord, Help Me Please

Those of you who follow my Tweets and/or Facebook status updates and/or know my habits and/or my schedule know that tonight is my last night of happy family vacation. I opted to ENJOY my holiday, as opposed to spending my time INDOORS blogging. Sorry. Tanning was HIGH PRIORITY.

Right now, I'm working really hard/hardly working on cramming a week's worth of Forever XXI/21 & Coach outlet shopping into my ONE TEENSY SUITCASE.

It's not going so well.

Photographic evidence:

Exhibit A: Overstuffed suitcase filled with trendy new goodies. Pile of items that still need to go in.

Exhibit B: Shopping bags of items yet to be packed.



Exhibit C: Assorted items on bed that need to be packed. Of note: Ditz loves animal print, namely, leopard; Ditz finally found herself a PEACOCK feathered accessory; Ditz loves reading/is literate; Ditz loves purses (3 on bed, 2+ on floor); Ditz loves stuffed giraffes.



Exhibit D: Community of shoes anxiously awaiting their spot in the suitcase. Patient and beloved Marc Jacobs mouse flats are excited to go home, while charming Louboutins foster anger towards Ditz for being brought and NOT WORN ONCE. [Betsey Johnson slides are indifferent.]

Truth be told, there is a HIGH chance that these shoes aren't coming home with me tomorrow. From the looks of my already heavy bag, there is NO WAY on this planet that they'll fit into my bag. WHAT WAS I THINKING, PACKING 6 PAIRS OF SHOES FOR A 7 DAY TRIP?! WHO DO I THINK I AM, IMELDA MARCOS? [The correct answer here is yes.]

Let us join forces in a small prayer right now:

Dear Lord Upstairs,

Please help me stuff all of my new goodies into my little suitcase. I overpacked, and I am aware that I did NOT need 12 assorted tops and 8 pairs of shorts for such a brief trip. I am also aware that I wore my new white denim shorts at least 3 times, when I could've worn other things. Please don't punish me now. Just figure out a way to get all of my stuff in one bag that doesn't pop.

In addition, I would also greatly appreciate if my flight wasn't delayed tomorrow and that I have an easy time getting through customs. It would be a great shame if they rip apart my bag and make me show them all the lovely things I purchased this week. Wait. No, I love showcasing my new stuff.

Please just make tonight and tomorrow bearable and easy! I WILL BE FOREVER HAPPY!

With plenty of love,
Your Favorite Ditz.

PRESENTS IN THE MAIL = FUN

Once I'm here and killing time...

I mentioned in an earlier post http://theanecditz.blogspot.com/2008/11/who-loves-free-products-me-thats-who.html that I was going to be getting some MASCARA SAMPLES. I half-lied. They DID send me samples, BUT not enough to pass around. 2 weeks ago, I got a DELICIOUS package in the mail.

To refresh your precious kitten memory, Matchstick in Torono uses me [and my blog] for word-of-mouth marketing. This current campaign is for a new Double-Extend mascara, and I got a FUN package in exchange for free promotion.

Inside the box, as you can see, was a giant L'Oreal cosmetic bag, a set of mini brushes, a liquid liner, a palette of eye shadows, two (2) mascaras and some informational pages.

Chill - I gave Momma Ditz the extra mascara.

I'm actually a huge fan of Benefit Bad Gal Lash mascara. I got it in a gift-set from Prince and it's been hard to wean myself off of it and try something new. I've used L'Oreal's OTHER double-ended mascara - i.e. the one where you put on white goop first and then a coat of the black - and I didn't LOVE IT. The original one was WAY too clumpy.

This new one - hitting the Canadian market this month - is FANTASTIC. It's the same concept as the other Double Extend, but this one - DOUBLE EXTENSION BEAUTY TUBES - gives long soft curled lashes.

I'm fairly certain it's priced between $12 - $14, which is reasonable in the mid-range mascara realm.

I know I don't push products THAT OFTEN, but really, if you're in the market for a fresh mascara and don't want to venture out to Sephora or a department store, this one is really worth its weight in feathers.

I give it 6 enthusiastic Ditz Gold Stars. Go and get your Double Extension Beauty Tube! Ditz says so!

Live: Pearson Airport, Gate 151

Things That Suck, Episode 12: "Boo Life"

1. Non-direct flights
2. Flights that leave at 7 a.m. and that require 5 a.m. airport arrivals
3. Flights that get delayed - TWICE
4. Being stuck in Toronto's Pearson airport. SINCE 8:30 A.M.
5. Creepy old ladies talking about how hard it is to nap in an airport and then napping RIGHT BEHIND YOU
6. Not finding anything fun at the Duty Free

So, here I am. Stuck in the airport. My connecting flight down South was SUPPOSED to leave at 12:50 p.m. which was TERRIBLE ENOUGH as is, but has now been delayed to 1:20 p.m. Internet, in these fine establishments, IS NOT FREE. I had to PAY.

I took advantage of my Montreal-Toronto flight and took an hour and eighteen minute nap. I can't even take a little one here, because all the seats HAVE ARM RESTS.

A plane is attached to our gate. My brother just reminded me to NOT GET EXCITED, because it's NOT OURS. OBVIOUSLY NOT.

On a BIZARRE upside, my going through security was mostly uneventful. The Canadian one was a breeze. The guys working FULLY saw that I had a bunch of large bottles AND aerosols inside my carry-on, and DID NOT SAY ANYTHING. However, moving from Toronto to the U.S., they CONFISCATED MY AUSSIE SPRUNCH SPRAY (and Brother's hair goop). The security guy kept SNOOPING and POKING through my bag. NOT GOING TO FIND ANYTHING ELSE GOOD IN THERE, BIG SHOT. JUST SOME LADY-THINGS AND 12 LIP GLOSSES.

I understand tight security and I understand that air-travel is sticky, BUT COME ON. WHAT HARM IS MY SPRUNCH SPRAY DOING BY SITTING IN MY BAG?! Get real!

I'm debating painting my toenails.

I'm also debating hijacking a plane. No, not really.

Places I Would Rather Be:

1. Sleeping
2. Napping
3. Playing Guitar Hero: WORLD TOUR with Prince
4. Anywhere with Prince
5. ON A PLANE TO FLORIDA
6. IN FLORIDA
7. Sleeping

That's me. Hating life, airports and wishing it was snacktime. You can SORT OF see the burnage on my nose and face. You can also see the BRIGHT CHEERY colors of my LuLu Lemon fancy jacket/top combo. Prince said I looked like a grandmother. No, he didn't say that. He DID say that I looked a little TOO Florida. He's right. I am one colorful little peacock.

DITZCATION (Ditz + Vacation, Obviously)

Riddle me this Kittens:

Ditz is sunburnt BEFORE leaving for her HAPPY FAMILY VACATION in Florida.
HOW?

She mistakenly went for pre-sunshine artificial tanning, or as we call it, BRONZAGE.

Ditz is far from bronze. MORE LIKE A CHERRY RED LOBSTER.

LOBSTER DITZ. Amazing.

That being said, I am in the process of syncing my iPod, debating which color to paint my toes, making endless lists of what I have to arrange before I leave my homebase at 4:30 a.m. I am SEMI thrilled to be going [i.e. toasty weather, fun USA shopping, NO SNOW, USA portion control in restaurants...] but am also MOSTLY UNTHRILLED [i.e. no Prince for a week, 24/7 Family Time, lights out/curfew rules from my BROTHER...]. It's one week. I'll deal.

I AM bringing my technical equipment with me, south of the border. I can guarantee I'll have what to say.

I am - as some of you may know - working on getting my next VLOG up and running. It's unsually large and I'm having a mighty ROUGH time getting it online. Be patient!

For those kittens unwillingly stuck in SNOW, MY APOLOGIES.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FRIENDLY KITTENS!

Uber-Chic or Super-Freak?

I just had a lovely Winners outing with Momma-Ditz & the Kiddo herself. [No, I didn't buy anything.]

On the way out, Kiddo pointed out a lovely older lady WEARING THE EXACT SAME GLASSES AS ME.

I just JUST got a new pair of frames. I terrorized Momma-Ditz at the glasses store, easily picking THE most expensive frames possible. I thought I was super chic and extra classy.

JUST ABOUT AS CLASSY AS A 75+ YEAR OLD LADY. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

We always knew I was older beyond my years. I just never thought it was FIFTY (50) YEARS OLDER.

Whatever. I happen to love my leopard print bejeweled lunettes. LEOPARD IS TIMELESS.

Ditz's Workplace Craft Show

Episode 1: Holiday Party Centerpieces.

Ditz volunteered to be on her office's Holiday Party Planning Committee. Obviously. Ditz, in her infinite wisdom, volunteered to be in charge of DECOR and ACCESSORIES. As a result, Ditz got to spend an afternoon shopping online at www.partymart.com for FUN party favors, a morning at the local dollar store "shopping" for items to use as centerpieces, an hour assembling candy mini-gift bags (250+) and a few hours making these centerpieces.



I happen to think I have a future in the art of centerpiece making.

That, and I love taking up work-time to HAVE FUN CRAFTING. Top Kitten called me during craft time AND DID NOT BELIEVE THAT I WAS CRAFTING. SO THERE, TOP KITTEN. SO. THERE.

(Special thanks to Top Worker Bee for taking the 12 seconds to capture this delicious moment. I always make sure she hardly gets any work done.)

Birthday Event Extravaganza Round-Up: Part 2

I didn't want to overload you all with SO MANY PICTURES IN ONE POSTING.

Because I decided my blog needs more traffic than my Facebook profile, I've decided to post my party pictures ONLY HERE and not on FB. Shocking, eh?

Anyway, I had a magical evening. A lovely turnout. Those who were supposed to be there but didn't show up? Pfft. Their loss. This Ditz knows who her REAL friends are!

Top Kitten & one of my Top Pets

Ditz, Prince, TK and TP [the many cocktails on the table DID NOT BELONG TO ME]

Miss Ditz & her Prince

Typical Bas-Mitsvah group photo. I made them ALL pose for this one.

Hello Kitten visited!

TK and the Ditz, showcasing our overpriced -YET FABULOUS - purchases.

TK brought along her brother and his NotaryKitten of a girlfriend - always a pleasure!

If only everyone looked at me the way Prince does...

All in all, it was a LOVELY soiree. We went to this bar that WAS super hot during the summer. WAS is the operative word. Whatever. This Ditz doesn't need to be at the HOTTEST place to have a good time! It was all about the company, for Ditz's 25th, and really, the company could not have been even the slightest bit better.

Ditz LOVES her precious kittens and pets who helped her celebrate her birthday! What a beautiful night!

Birthday Event Extravaganza Round-Up: Part 1

In case you forgot, my BIRTHDAY was last week. Right. That National Holiday that falls on December 2nd.

As promised, I AM going to do a birthday-present round-up also, but I can't yet because I have MAJOR plans on that front, i.e. pictures galore with tons of LOLZES.

For now, though, I'll be a peach and post some lovely pictographs from my two birthday soirees: Birthday Night Dinner with Prince & Birthday Party Outing.

I won't talk about Prince's present yet. That merits its own story/post.

Prince and I went out for a lovely dinner to what most people consider a GREAT sushi joint. We didn't have reservations, but the restaurant was HALF EMPTY and the LOSERS working there made us WAIT 20 minutes before they seated us. That should've been a hint. The food was fantastic. We had this DELISH salmon & tuna tartare that they serve on these tortilla-style chip things, and some super sushi [that I tried to bring as leftovers to work the next day, but because I'd forgotten to refrigerate them, Worker Bee forced me to throw them out]. The service was so crappy, though. SO CRAPPY to the point that Prince resorted to some MAJOR retaliation, in the form of "accidentally" spilling soy sauce all over the pristine white tablecloths. THAT'LL SHOW THEM!

What's worse, is that when they brought out my birthday "dessert", I handed the serving wench my camera to take a lovely picture of Prince and I, SHE WALKED AWAY, IGNORING ME. She didn't take my camera with her. Instead, we had to settle for the drunk American at the bar to "try" to take pictures of us. And by that, I really mean we let him take two, and then Prince and I used our long arms to self-photograph.

Evidence:

Thanks to the Drunk Guy for that one.
Nice try, Prince.

My arm is seemingly longer. I love Prince's sweater. We are just the cutest. He and I have an entire self-photoshoot from dinner. I like this one best. I'm willing to bet he won't!

Next up: Birthday Party Pictures!

Domestic Ditz

Top Kitten captured this epic moment. Ditz washing dishes.

A once in a lifetime experience.

(Notice matching leopard headband and leopard glasses. EXTRA LEOPARD = EXTRA CHIC.)

POST-BIRTHDITZ - One Hectic Week Later

I spent an HOUR thanking EVERY SINGLE PERSON who wished me a happy birthday on Facebook.

90% of people got a standardized copy-paste message.

It's rather curious WHO messages you on your birthday and the sort of messages you get.

"Hey, happy birthday, long time no speak, what are you up to?"

WHAT do I answer to that? I can't sum up the last 10+ YEARS OF MY LIFE IN ONE FACEBOOK WALL POST. There's a reason why we haven't spoken in a long time. IT'S BECAUSE I PROBABLY DON'T REALLY LIKE YOU.

It bothers me that people who I have as "friends" on FB that are actually total ASSHOLES to me in real life bother to wish me a happy birthday. Call me ungrateful, but I'd rather have NO BIRTHDAY WISHES than receive half-assed "polite" garbage messages from people who look at the listing of birthdays on the homepage and feel it's their CIVIC DUTY to be "nice".
IT'S NOT NICE.

IT'S ANNOYING AND OBNOXIOUS.

Most of the people who wished me a happy birthday WOULDN'T KNOW IT'S MY BIRTHDAY IF IT WEREN'T FOR FACEBOOK.

I have a prime example. I think this happened a solid 2 years/birthdays ago. On a rampage, I deleted a bunch of friends off Facebook. People I didn't like, people associated with people I didn't like, people who looked at me the wrong way ONCE... Anyway, after this axing frenzy, my birthday rolled around and I got an inboxer - as I like to call them - from a guy I went to high school with, that I was pretty friendly with IN high school AND after graduation. He was a casualty of my deleting spree. Inside this message, he wished me a happy birthday, and mentioned that HE KNEW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY WITHOUT FACEBOOK TELLING HIM SO [oh, and by the way, he also noticed that I'D DELETED HIM].

See? HE is a good egg.

I appreciated all the phone calls. I appreciated even the text messages and emails. I don't appreciate people who think that posting a standard HAPPY BIRTHDAY makes up for a phone call.

It doesn't.

You know what's a great punishment for all these fake Facebook wishes? FAKE STANDARDIZED THANK-YOU REPLIES.

DITZ. ALWAYS. WINS.

[Note: I actually DID love all the Facebook loving. Except for one nameless person. She knows who she is.]

Ditz Exercises Her Civic Duty

...AND VOTED in her provincial election.

See? Photographic evidence that Ditz knows how to vote.

Special thanks to the Disaster himself for capturing this epic moment with his FANCY NEW BLACKBERRY.

I am predicting a TON of flack for this, but I'm going to talk about it anyways.

When it comes to elections of any sort, be it Provincial, Federal or Union, I like to NEVER vote for who I am "supposed" to vote for. I am fairly notorious for trying to cause a stir with my vote, i.e. voting for the party whose beliefs are the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I actually support or voting for the MOST radical party I can vote for. I know every vote counts, and I know it's my civic duty, but HECK, why can't I just have fun?? Last time we had a provincial election [2 years ago? whatever], I made a personal statement and voted for what is considered THE worst party to vote for as an English-speaking Montrealer. I thought it was funny. My riding ANYWAYS always leans in one specific direction, so I like to give other parties an extra vote. I like to know I somewhat count.

I've told Prince my "election theories" and I'm fairly certain he thinks I'm a NIDIOT. He told me that this election isn't exactly the time for my own FUN AND GAMES. I didn't listen to him, and I went to vote - with the Disaster - and I got REALLY confused at the polling station.

There were 5 choices. 4 of the regular ones, and 1 that SORT OF sounded like one of the 4 regulars. I figured it sounded RADICAL and CRAZY enough, that it had to be MORE crazy than any of the OTHER parties on the list. I voted for them.

I asked Disaster if he knew anything about this party, and he didn't. Upon further research [thanks Google], I found out that out of ALL THE PARTIES IN THE WORLD to vote for, I PICKED THE WORST ONE. Like ACTUALLY the worst. This party is a party that I would probably SHUN people for supporting.

Prince and I unknowingly both made the same technical mistake and voted for the same party. He got just as confused as I did. I tried to play the "I AM EXERCISING MY RIGHT TO PRIVACY" shtick with him. Totally backfired when I realized I was super curious to find out who he voted for. He threw that line RIGHT BACK AT ME.

Aaand then we realized we both voted by mistake for the same party. Don't ask us who we voted for; we will be exercising our right to privacy.

Things I COULD Be Doing

Oh, the weather outside is FRIGHTFUL, but my cozy bed is so DELIGHTFUL.

I have a new VLOG to post. I know that MOST of you are going to be SUPER EXCITED. I'll put it up. Not now.

We just got a solid "5 centimeters" of snow. 5 centimeters means NOTHING to me. The weather jerks should have just said we're expecting "enough snow that it'll take you 20+ minutes to clean off your car and you'll be stuck in traffic for at LEAST an hour on your drive home".

In honor of this LOVELY weather, and the fact that it IS beginning to look a lot like CHRISTMAS, I bring you a fresh list.

Things Ditz Could Be Doing Tonight & The Likelihood of Each Happening:

1. Catching up on the 5+ blog entries she's dying to post [Likelihood: 15% chance of happening (CoH)]
2. Organizing her closets (again) and weeding out crappy clothing [2% CoH]
3. Studying for her exam on Friday [0.05% CoH]
4. Reading one of the 12 books on her personal reading list [1% CoH]
5. Watching episodes of Dallas [9% CoH]
6. Watching episodes of The Office [75% CoH]
7. Taking a lovely 45 minute bath and depleting her household of hot water [40% CoH]
8. Pacing around her room and having periodic snacks at 20 minute intervals [85% CoH]
9. Lurking around the kitchen, reading magazines and having snacks [67% CoH]
10. Stay snuggled up in bed, with elephants & giraffes and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING [101% CoH]

I think #10 is winning. I'd bet on it!

Ditz's HOTW: Barack Obama

This week's hero PROBABLY should just be me, given that it was my birthday, BUT IT'S NOT. Ditz's HOTW is none other than the U.S. President Elect, Mr. Barack Obama. Why? Not because he's the first Black president. Not because he's told the "help" at the White House to leave his girls be with their chores. Not because his wife is a fashion icon. He's this week's hero because he tried to impersonate himself and failed. Miserably.

Obama had good intentions. All he wanted to do was call a Floridian Congresswoman and congratulate her on her re-election. She hung up on his phone call. Not once, but TWICE. Being particularly unimpressed with the fact that radio stations are CONSTANTLY pranking congressfolk imitating "important" politicians, the congresswoman took this fact for granted and assumed it was a common gag.

It wasn't.

Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen was pretty set on not having a Palin-esque situation. It took retelling of an inside joke from Representative Howard Berman to convince this lovely lady that Obama ACTUALLY wanted to speak to her.

Obama gets this week's honor of being the Ditz Hero of the Week. He successfully managed to convince a congresswoman that he wasn't really himself, but that he can do a better impression of "Barack Obama" than the "guy who does it on Saturday Night Live".

BIRTHDITZ, Quarter Century & LOVIN' IT

Today, we honor Momma Ditz, who so carefully let me exit her womb some 25 years ago. I took this opportunity to send her a beautiful orchid in honor of OUR special day. She was very moved.

Oh right. Today's my BIRTHDAY. 25 years young. I have had a truly MAGICAL day so far. Top Kitten had a pile of BALLOONS sent to my office, Momma Ditz baked a pile of goodies for me to bring TO the office [I am 25 going on 8], Prince delivered BEAUTIFUL flowers, Worker Bee and I went out for a LOVELY klassy lunch [pogos and fries with gravy]. Toronto Kitten SANG ME A SONG. What a MARVELOUS DAY.

All the worker bees at my office gave me TONS of love and hugs and kisses. It's been - THUS FAR - my absolute TOP birthday.

Top Worker Bee told me that she hasn't seen anyone get as much birthday lovin' as this little Ditz. WELL OBVIOUSLY. EVERYONE LOVES THE DITZ!!

My day is FAR from over. Prince and I are going out for dinner shortly. I hope for something yummy and deep fried. Tomorrow, I'll do a birthday-gift round-up.

In the meantime, I'll let you laugh at the photos: Ditz at her desk with her BALLOONS and Ditz posing like a NEB with her balloons and flowers. Momma Ditz forced Kiddo to stage this PHOTO-OP.

I am such a birthday pest.

DITZ IS A MAGICAL WIZARD

Look to your right.

See that magical LABEL CLOUD?

I did that. Blogger doesn't have a label cloud, so I had to put it in MYSELF. Using HTML programming. WHO'S IMPRESSED?

Now, before you all get WAY TOO EXCITED, let me burst your bubble, please.

I've only tagged/labeled 35-45 posts. Out of 160+. It's annoying long work that I should've been doing since the INSTANT I started blogging. I didn't, so bear with me.

Once it's properly finished, you'll be able to pick a FUN TOPIC and read alllll the related posts! DITZ ENTERS THE 21st CENTURY.

In the meantime, I will just continue performing magic tricks and other things that wizards do.

Who Loves Free Products? ME, THAT'S WHO.

Remember how at the end of the summer, I kept alluding to "good news" that I never ended up talking about? For those of you who don't remember, but are curious, allow me to proceed...

Apparently more than just my regular kittens read my blog. OBVIOUSLY. Over the summer, I was contacted by a marketing company based out of Toronto, Matchstick, who loved my blog and felt that I'm an influential blogger and consumer, which, clearly, I am. I participated in one of their marketing campaigns for Listerine Teeth Whitening Strips. I kind of did a pretty bad job at it. They sent me piles of samples to distribute, and all they wanted was for me to blog about the teeth strips. I tried them and they were the most revolting things in the world. AND this all happened during my August-September blogcation, where I was feeling uninspired and unblogged. Good thing that time period is OVER.

Anyway, GUESS WHAT? They contacted me AGAIN. MATCHSTICK, YOU ARE FORGIVING SOULS AND I PROMISE TO BE BETTER THIS TIME. I SWEAR. I think this next campaign I'll be participating in is MASCARA.

Know what that means?

FREE MASCARA TRIALS.

Matchstick, I LOVE YOU. SAMPLES 4EVER!

Lucky Little Ditz

The National Holiday, also known as Ditz's Birthday, is next Tuesday.

Prince, my delicious and most adored boyfriend, surprised me with a pre-birthday-present present yesterday.

I normally don't like to advertise things like this, because this Ditz likes to keep her actual personal life private, but I can't help but gloat and bask in the glory of Prince's knack at gift-giving. Never has this Ditz had such a precious man who really just understands her quirks and quarks (and knows that she loves jewelry).

He is really just wonderfully amazing and I am infinitely lucky that our hairdresser fixed us up.
BET YOU ALL WANT THAT STORY, EH? If enough of you ask for it, I may go ahead with it.


ANYWAY, that's what my Prince gave me. A beautiful antique pearl necklace with a delicious clasp. Super special, super original and super unique. Ever so thoughtful, he gave it to me yesterday afternoon, so I'd be able to wear it for my presentations last night and tonight.

Could I BE any luckier?

Coming from a Ditz who once thought Tiffany's boxes were the only source of bejeweled happiness, I don't think I want to go back there. I know. I might have fever. It takes a credit card to walk into Tiffany's and pick out a floating heart. It takes a real PRINCE to go looking for something VINTAGE with personality!

Kittens, don't fret if you think the dating pool is full of little kids and urine. For every bad seed, there's a Prince hiding in the background. Or in my case, in my hair salon.

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

In honor of my American Kittens and their precious Thanksgiving, I bring you these:

AND, a snippet from one of my top favorite movies, CAMP, a musical number, called TURKEY LURKEY TIME.

Happy Turkey Day!

"I Sent You To Jewish School For THIS?"

One of my friendly Kitten readers sent me a beautiful email. Okay, fine. The email ITSELF was pretty standard and usual, but its ATTACHMENTS were PARTICULARLY FANTASTIC.

She and I were Facebook chatting earlier this evening. We share a special love for the Christmas season. Yes. We're definitely both Jewish.

Our respective parents are REALLY PROUD.

Kitten here had mentioned that she just recently put up her TABLETOP TREE, and I was INSANELY JEALOUS. I demanded photographic evidence, with the promise of posting them on my blog.

So, without further ado, here is Miss TamaraKitten's beloved tree:

IT'S PINK. AND SHINY.

God. Could life - in tree form - get ANY BETTER?

Fun fact: if you send me things that are semi-interesting, I will likely post them. Write that down.

I Love Group Work. Really.

One of the joys of my program is group work. I mentioned in a previous entry that I was blessed with a group member who used Babelfish to translate her work. She has since apologized.

This is about a DIFFERENT group.

I'm fine working in a team of two (2). I am also okay-ish with groups of three (3) and four (4). I've been tortured in a group of five (5) [that time, it was Miss Ditz and 4 guys. That was NOT FUN].

In this group, I have been PUNISHED with a total of SIX (6) members. That includes yours truly. 5 estrogen-filled ladies AND ONE GUY. He thinks he's the luckiest duck this side of PR Management.

He's not.

He got cursed with four (4) girls and one (1) Ditz. And all five (5) of us tend to butt heads ON EVERYTHING.

Let's take last night. We had our final pre-presentation group meeting. Our topic was assigned to us, and it couldn't have been more fitting: we represent a modeling agency, called Top Models of the World, who needs to deal with the fact that two (2) models have died recently from eating disorders. Delicious topic, eh? We decided we needed a slogan for our communications plan and this little Ditz got her thinking cap on.

[Ditz:] "'Changing the Modeling Industry, ONE SANDWICH AT A TIME'."
[Group groans]
[Group Kitten #1:] "That's too sarcastic for a professional presentation."
[Ditz:] "Fine. 'Changing the Modeling Industry, ONE MODEL AT A TIME'."
[J.Lo Kitten:] "No, that's still not good. How about 'Role Models are Top Models'?"
[Ditz:] "I think it would sound better if it was 'Top Models are Role Models'."
[J.Lo Kitten:] "No."

10 minutes later...

[J.Lo Kitten:] "I thought of a perfect slogan! 'Top Models are Role Models'."
[Silence]
[Classmate Kitten, whispering:] "Err, Ditz, didn't you JUST SAY THAT?"
[Ditz:] "No, apparently not."

Our slogan is 'Top Models are Role Models'. I didn't think of it. Clearly.

"It's Complicated Between Adam and Eve"

This is - NO JOKE - the funniest thing I have seen all day. Click on the images to see what they are. Don't be a lazy parasite.

A pal passed it onto me. Here's the link with the original content, so you don't think I created this. http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764710

God bless College Humor.

And Star 92.9 holiday music. Totally not over it.

Oh, HAPPY DAY

Do you know what today ACTUALLY is?

THE DAY STAR 92.9 FM RADIO STARTED PLAYING HOLIDAY MUSIC!



(That's me having fun with some holiday-spirit jpegs. And delivering milk to the office kitchenette.)

(I love photoshopping. And clip-art. AND the holidays!)

Special Feature: Ditz's Accessorizing Tips

In light of recent concert-viewing events, and in light of a certain utility-man's LACK OF PROPER ACCESSORIZING, I bring you something special.

Roy? This is for you.

Since Roy left his hat-trunk at home before going on tour, I've taken the liberty of compiling some options for Roy. Head over to a HAT BARN and get some CHAPEAUS!

Option #1: Sexy Crocodile Hunter.
In this motif, we see our main man, Roy, topped off in a lovely taupe leather hat, that comes with a handy-dandy pouch for storage purposes. This hat is a real find. It FOLDS UP. It costs $79.95. A little pricey, but nothing says class like a BRAIDED HATBAND!

Option #2: Stylishly Flamboyant Newsboy.

Over here, we have Roy in a super trendy newsboy cap. In hot pink corduroy, Roy would be the cutest little munch to ever have played 4 different instruments for Bob Dylan's band. I think this hat really brings out his eyes. Roy can afford this one on his musician's salary. It's $5.95 and is a ONE SIZE FITS ALL. Does that include Roy and his hair?

Option 3: Themed Evenings.
Just in case Bob decides to hold a concert on the holy Halloween or Purim, heck, if Roy decides he feels like blending in with his Pirate brethren, this $9.95 wonder would be PERFECT. Roy's sex appeal thermometer just rose 30 degrees when he put THIS hat on!

Come on. Who doesn't LOVE a pirate??

So, you see Roy, THERE WAS NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR LACK OF HEADWEAR.

NO EXCUSE.

"I Didn't Pay $80 To Listen To Your Voice"

Around one week ago, I called up Prince and mentioned in passing how Bob Dylan was coming in town and it would be MAYBE nice to go see him, because it MIGHT be one of his last tours EVER. I didn’t think he actually listened to my ramblings until Tuesday, when he announced that he’d surprised me, and got us tickets.

What I failed to mention to Prince, was that I’m not the BIGGEST Dylan fan. In fact, I probably can NOT name more than 5 Dylan songs. He’s a cultural icon. I wanted to be able to say that I’d been there, even if it was for 4 minutes, before the man kicks the bucket. Needless to say, I was heavily disappointed when I found out the concert would not be 4 minutes long.

Prince and I went with high hopes. SERIOUSLY HIGH HOPES.

Prior to the show, while Prince & I waited for the show to start:

[Ditz:] “Hey, do you think there’s going to be a LIGHT SHOW?”

[Prince:] [Rolls eyes.] “No. I doubt it.”

[Ditz:] “What about PYROTECHNICS??”

Hey. When I go to a concert, I expect to be ENTERTAINED. I want a PACKAGE DEAL of everything that can be done in a two-hour span. LIKE THE SPICE GIRLS. OR CELINE DION. THEY use pyrotechnics. THEY have light shows!

Bob and his band were really SOMETHING ELSE. Bob pretty much had his profile – if not his BACK - to the audience for the vast majority of the show. Know why? Because if you catch him straight on, the man looks like an old grandmother. When he used his harmonica (CAN’T HE JUST HIRE SOMEONE TO DO THAT AT THIS POINT???), he practically needed his oxygen mask afterwards. He WAS BARELY ABLE TO SING.

I read the review of the concert in my local newspaper. Let’s not get into the bulk of his review. What I found rather curious is how he spoke so highly of the BAND.

THE BAND??? THE BAND IN HATS!

There were 2 guitarists, a bassist, a drummer and some IDIOT hiding in the back playing WEIRDO instruments. Apparently there was a costume/outfit motif, and Roy, the resident utility guy in the back, wasn’t included in the memo. The strings section was all wearing matching outfits and hats. The drummer was wearing a hat. BOB was even wearing a hat. And ROY? NO. NO HAT. He just had his hair done that afternoon. No hat was going to COVER THAT FANCY ‘DO UP.

Roy honestly provided ample entertainment for Prince and me, seeing as the show was REALLY NOT THAT GREAT. Roy kept changing instruments with each song. A table-harp thing. A guitar/bass. A violin. But it was pretty obvious that he really just didn’t belong. He looked like a failed wedding singer. Roy. Roy was off on most songs. Constantly leaning over and trying to see what everyone else was doing.

[Band hissing:] “HEY ROY. WHERE’S YOUR HAT?!”

He was MARGINALLY better than Manuelo, the dancing bassist, who managed to upstage EVERYONE with his pelvic-thrust dance moves. He must be REALLY TALENTED if he can manage PELVIC THRUSTS while PLAYING THE BASS. He wasn’t wearing sunglasses like the two guitarists, but Manuelo WAS wearing a bolo tie. Yes. A bolo tie.

The drummer was something else. While he WAS wearing a hat, he wasn’t in a fedora like the REST OF THE GANG. He’s a failed Goth-Rock-Emo band singer. And a part-time sushi chef. In case you were wondering.

While Prince and I were busy having the time of our lives discussing the band’s background, we were RUDELY INTERRUPTED by the UNLOVELY woman sitting in front of us.

“I DIDN’T PAY $80 TO LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE!”

No, you’re right. You paid $80 to watch a relic hang onto something that just IS NOT THERE anymore.

I texted Momma Ditz & Poppa Ditz during the show. I texted each of them separately, because I knew I’d get HILARIOUS responses from both of them.

[Ditz, via text:] Bob Dylan is a total relic.

[Momma Ditz, via text:] That’s why I don’t go!

[Poppa Ditz, via text:] He’s not a rock star

Prince and I walked out before the end of the show. It was just honestly THAT BAD. We didn’t even get to hear Bob address the audience and introduce his band. Whatever. We know them all anyways.

I was punished for this excursion. Prince wants to teach me that I can’t want to do EVERYTHING. During these times of recession, I need to be more selective about our methods of extra-curricular entertainment and/or activities. And truthfully, he’s right. I should not be abusing his discretional income during a recession. I SHOULD be more selective. Prince didn’t make me pay for both tickets. He didn’t make me pay for my ticket. He asked me to pay him for HALF the price of a ticket. I presented it to him, along with the review of the concert. He was really appreciative.

Oh, and by the way, I had skipped CLASS FOR THIS.

How To Be A Glutton

Featuring Prince, Ditz & Chocolate.

2 weekends ago - I was BITCHDITZ and did not advertise - was the Salon Passion de Chocolat at our fine Palais de Congres. Sometimes, Ditz is a rat and keeps things to herself. Worker Bee JUST gave me hell that I didn't tell her, because HER prince would have chocolate intravenous if it was socially acceptable. He says Worker Bee and I cannot be friends anymore. WHATEVER. NOT A LOSS.

(I am slightly kidding.)

For those of you who aren't sure what a SALON PASSION DE CHOCOLAT is, allow me to explain.

What Ditz Thought It Would Be: GIANT FESTIVAL WITH CHOCOLATE FLOWING FROM FOUNTAINS AND CHOCOLATE COVERED EVERYTHINGS TO EAT AND A RIVER OF CHOCOLATE.
What It ACTUALLY Was: A chocolate/jams/wine trade show, featuring Quebec vendors.

And no, WILLY WONKA WAS NOT THERE. Jerk.

So, with this all in mind, I give you Ditz & Prince's Steps to GLUTTONY:

1. Start off your evening with a good piece of Shnitzel. Forget saving room. You need FRIED CHICKEN ENERGY.
2. Enter Show. Notice samples cost $1. IGNORE SIGNS.
3. Stand by Jam/Chocolate Spread station. Try EVERY SINGLE ONE, especially if there are at least 20 flavors.
4. Drink at least 3 complimentary espressos. You need an energy boost after all that JAM.
5. Divide and Conquer for ultimate snacking experience. Tag teams aren't as successful as single SNEAKERS.
6. Notice wine sample stations. Claim you're a restauranteur. Get extra samples. Advance 5 spaces.
7. Don't waste time on cookies. They are useless stomach-fillers.
8. Ignore #7. Everyone loves a good cookie. Or 3.
9. Decide you're not spending money on samples. Ignore booths that make you pay.
10. Try several wines at least thrice. You need to be sure before you purchase.
11. Eat everything free in sight. Don't be ashamed; they KNOW WHY YOU'RE THERE.
12. Buy anything that seems REMOTELY yummy. You won't regret it later.
13. Go out for a leisurely hearty dinner afterwards. You're still hungry, so STOP JUDGING YOURSELF.

Prince bought 3 bottles of wine [apple cider, currant, blueberry]. We have nearly finished one of them.

I bought 4 spreads [chocolate/red peppers/paprika, honey caramel, merlot or something red jelly, strawberry jam] and a bottle of cream apple cider. The honey caramel is nearly finished. I had it once. Methinks Kiddo likes it on toast for breakfast. SHE WOULD.

And This Is Why We Call Me Ditz

Preface:
Momma Ditz decided it was necessary that I start popping VITAMINS like a good girl. I have a FANCY pink pill case. Yes, like your grandparents. I take FISH OIL tablets that look like HORSE TRANQUILIZERS and vitamin D pills. At least that's what I THINK I take. Momma Ditz gave me this beautiful pill case BECAUSE I NEVER REMEMBER TO TAKE MY VITAMINS.

[Please hold while I pop pills.]

Okay.

Momma Ditz - Ditz Verbal Exchange of the Day:

[Ditz:] Question. If I forgot to take my vitamins yesterday, do I take double dosage today?
[Momma Ditz:] Are you retarded? You shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.
[Ditz:] ...... No, seriously.
[Momma Ditz:] No, seriously, you shouldn't be allowed to ever leave the house.

Whatever. I totally had LOGIC behind my idiocy. SLIGHT LOGIC.

Sometimes, I wonder what's going on in Momma Ditz's head when I ask her BRILLIANT and THOUGHT-PROVOKING questions like I did today.

Welcome to Planet Ditz. Population: me.

CAPTION ME.

I hope Prince doesn't see this before I give it to him. FOR HIS FRIDGE. I am the best girlfriend. Ever.

"Lies The Ditz Told Me" - A Third Person Account

Ditz left work early today. Ditz needed her nails did. It's her Thursday-Almost-End-Of-The-Week treat. Ditz usually meets Hello Kitten for afternoon-pre-class primping. It's important to maintain SOME level of personal grooming. That, and look charming for class.

Hello Kitten opted to work on her physical maintenance. Ditz went alone. Normally, Ditz gets to yammer non-stop with Hello Kitten, thus avoiding awkward conversation with the non-English speaking manicurists. NOT THIS TIME. Ditz had to MAKE CONVERSATION. There goes Ditz's quiet-manicure time!

The lovely ManiKitten inquired what Ditz studies in school. Ditz KNEW she wouldn't understand PUBLIC RELATIONS and had zero interest in explaining, so she picked something close. English. Kind of the same thing, BUT NOT REALLY.

[ManiKitten:] "You wanna be teacher? You looka like teacher!"
[Ditz:] "Err, yes! Thanks!"
[ManiKitten:] "Where you do train? You teach!"
[Ditz, thinking hard:] "At private schools!"

Unfortunate conversations of this stature continued until Ditz went to sit with her nails under the magical dryer and was able to avoid life forms by staring at all the varieties of nail polish on the wall above her head.

While this whole shenanigan ensued, Ditz couldn't help but almost WISH she was studying something CONVENTIONAL, something like MATH. Oh, wait. SHE DID THAT ALREADY.

What Ditz apparently "studies/does": English student who wants to be a private high school English teacher.

What Ditz ACTUALLY "studies/does": PR student with a knack for shoes and things that are sparkly.

Oh, right. SAME THING.

IF YOU LIVE ON MARS.

Facebook Chat = LOLZ

I seriously hope Kiddo Ditz-in-Training likes that she's getting a cameo appearance.

I was just Facebooking, as usual, when I noticed one of those PESKY chat boxes pop up. It was Miss Kiddo. Bless her soul, she crops me out of her profile pictures. They learn so fast!

Here's the transcript from our charming, albeit BRIEF conversation:

[Kiddo, 4:07 p.m.:] hi its allison

[Ditz, 4:08 p.m.:] i know
[Ditz, 4:08 p.m.:] it says your name

[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] sorry g2g
[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] bye
[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] bye

I think I may have insulted her by telling her that I knew it was her because the window popped up that SAID HER NAME.

Whatever. She's hilarious.

I STAND CORRECTED

I was misinformed.

I was under the impression that STAR 92.9 FM, everyone's favorite HOLIDAY MUSIC STATION, was going to start their CHRISTMAS MUSIC Nov. 1.

I just checked it out, because it's the SECOND WEEK OF NOVEMBER, and still NO HOLIDAY TUNES.

They're only starting Nov. 24.

JERKS.

Thursday Brings a NEW DITZ HERO

I am infinitely sorry to be kicking Missy Quinn off the Ditz's Hero throne, but that girl needs to get cracking on the baby-making. Her biological clock IS TICKING.

Ditz's Thursday Hero is a very special man, named Martin Eisenstadt. Mr. Eisenstadt is a McCain policy advisor, hailing from the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy. Why is he important? Mr. Eisenstadt is the man responsible for leaking the story to the press that Gov. Sarah Palin [Ditz's actual LIFE hero] needed to be briefed hard on the fact that Africa is a continent.

Martin Eisenstadt does not actually exist. Nor does the organization he supposedly hails from. Martin Eisenstadt and the entire "Palin Doesn't Know What Africa Is" story is an elaborate hoax created by Eitan Gorlin and Dan Mirvish. They're looking to pitch a TV show featuring Martin Eisenstadt.

So, you wonder, why is Martin Eisenstadt a hero?

This story was featured on MSNBC.

AND almost every news media source. AS TRUTH.

What's really priceless is Martin's blog: http://www.eisenstadtgroup.com/ EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE IS CLAIMING HE ISN'T REAL, he's out there trying to prove he's a real person. KUDOS, MARTIN EISENSTADT. KUDOS. Way to assert yourself as a legitimate source of information!

I don't like summing up and giving my kittens a moral. Not everything needs to be wrapped up with a bow. EXCEPT FOR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS.

But, due to the nature of the content, I'll give you some conclusionary morals.

1. Don't believe anything you read online. Okay, fine. Don't believe EVERYTHING that you read online. Just because Wikipedia is THE source of all truths, doesn't mean every other website is.
2. If you're going to invent a new human being and give them "stories" to plant in the media, MAKE SURE nobody finds out what you did. COVER YOUR BUM FOR GOD'S SAKE.
3. The story you leak needs to be believable, i.e. Sarah Palin Doesn't Know What Countries Exist Outside of Alaska OR Sarah Palin Greets McCain Aides in a Towel.
4. If all else fails, just wear a yellow suit. You know how well that worked for Cindy McCain, Jill Biden and Roberta McCain!

FIND ME

Are you a female? Do you moderately enjoy shopping and/or a good deal?

FIND ME THIS WEEK.

Classmate Kitten passed me a stack [that she's so kindly replenishing tonight] of 35% off regular/15% off sale price for La Vie en Rose/Aqua stores. For this week and this week only.

Do you want a coupon? COME FIND ME.

AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER..

It's not.

MORE SAMPLE SALES.

Don't you just LOVE this city? Click on the image for complete information. AREN'T I FANCY NOW?

[Edit: I got the flier!]

3 CHEERS FOR CONSUMERISM!

Ditz = Topical

In light of recent US news, Ditz can't NOT be topical. Instead of telling you how happy I am that Obama won, and how bittersweet I feel about McCain's loss, we're going to discuss something a teeeeensy bit more important.

WHO WORE WHAT and WHO LOOKED BEST.

What were you expecting? Do you KNOW who I am?!

Section 1: Attack of the Yellow Suits

Did Jill Biden miss the memo that yellow is the REPUBLICAN color du jour? Someone shoot her stylist. She would've blended in better with the Republicans. Roberta McCain is one bitter battle-axe. Why? Not because her precious son lost the election, BUT BECAUSE HIS WIFE, THAT UNGRATEFUL SOUR PATCH KID, IS ALSO WEARING YELLOW. And a BETTER yellow outfit at that. Roberta would rather be watching Matlock with a jar of prunes than be standing next to Cindy in competing YELLOW.

1 point for Cindy McCain for rocking a delicious Oscar de la Renta suit, SIMILAR BUT NOT EXACTLY THE SAME as that OTHER yellow Oscar frock she wore.

Section 2: It's Not Prom So Why Are You In Sequins

Meghan, Meghan, Meghan. I love your blog. I love your CUTE stylish outfits. ALWAYS. BUT WHAT IS THIS ATTROCITY?? It's not PROM. IT'S THE DAY YOUR FATHER ALMOST MADE IT INTO OFFICE. Sweetheart, don't wear dresses that match your hair. Not cute. No.

Section 3: Mrs. President Loves Red

Everyone is giving Miche Obama crap about her frock. HELLO? THE WOMAN NORMALLY WEARS H&M DRESSES. This is a Narciso Rodriguez. This is a big step for the First Lady who is a generally SMART SHOPPER. She even matched the kinderlach to her frock. AND Barack-You-Like-A-Hurricane's tie. I think she looked supercute. Okay, so the dress is not THE most flattering, but come on. Let's give the woman some props for going designer!

Section 4: I Can See Russia From My Home

Alaska's favorite beauty queen shimmers in a lovely navy blue suit, coordinated to match - not clash - with Cindy McCain. Palin's Republican "stylists" opted to downplay her obvious assets and make sure her outfit didn't outshine Cindy's. We know Sarah is sexy, but SHE WOULDN'T BE SEXIER THAN THE FIRST LADY because NOBODY is allowed to TOP the first lady!

So, let's rank the choice ladies of Election Night 2008. From top to bottom, WHO LOOKED BEST:

1. Sarah Palin - OBVIOUSLY. She can do NO WRONG. NEVER.
2. Jill Biden - uncoordinated with her party, but ADORABLE AS ALL HECK.
3. Cindy McCain - Oscar de la Renta would shoot her if she wasn't in the top 3.
4. Michelle Obama - props for her designer choice, let's see what she pulls out of her hat for INAUGURATION DAY.
5. Meghan McCain - not prom, but doable. Go return the 17 dresses you bought for inauguration day. It's just not happening.
6. Roberta McCain - stop trying to steal Cindy's spotlight, IT WAS HER DAY.

See? Sometimes I care what's going on in the world. SOMETIMES.