And This Is Why We Call Me Ditz

Preface:
Momma Ditz decided it was necessary that I start popping VITAMINS like a good girl. I have a FANCY pink pill case. Yes, like your grandparents. I take FISH OIL tablets that look like HORSE TRANQUILIZERS and vitamin D pills. At least that's what I THINK I take. Momma Ditz gave me this beautiful pill case BECAUSE I NEVER REMEMBER TO TAKE MY VITAMINS.

[Please hold while I pop pills.]

Okay.

Momma Ditz - Ditz Verbal Exchange of the Day:

[Ditz:] Question. If I forgot to take my vitamins yesterday, do I take double dosage today?
[Momma Ditz:] Are you retarded? You shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.
[Ditz:] ...... No, seriously.
[Momma Ditz:] No, seriously, you shouldn't be allowed to ever leave the house.

Whatever. I totally had LOGIC behind my idiocy. SLIGHT LOGIC.

Sometimes, I wonder what's going on in Momma Ditz's head when I ask her BRILLIANT and THOUGHT-PROVOKING questions like I did today.

Welcome to Planet Ditz. Population: me.

"Lies The Ditz Told Me" - A Third Person Account

Ditz left work early today. Ditz needed her nails did. It's her Thursday-Almost-End-Of-The-Week treat. Ditz usually meets Hello Kitten for afternoon-pre-class primping. It's important to maintain SOME level of personal grooming. That, and look charming for class.

Hello Kitten opted to work on her physical maintenance. Ditz went alone. Normally, Ditz gets to yammer non-stop with Hello Kitten, thus avoiding awkward conversation with the non-English speaking manicurists. NOT THIS TIME. Ditz had to MAKE CONVERSATION. There goes Ditz's quiet-manicure time!

The lovely ManiKitten inquired what Ditz studies in school. Ditz KNEW she wouldn't understand PUBLIC RELATIONS and had zero interest in explaining, so she picked something close. English. Kind of the same thing, BUT NOT REALLY.

[ManiKitten:] "You wanna be teacher? You looka like teacher!"
[Ditz:] "Err, yes! Thanks!"
[ManiKitten:] "Where you do train? You teach!"
[Ditz, thinking hard:] "At private schools!"

Unfortunate conversations of this stature continued until Ditz went to sit with her nails under the magical dryer and was able to avoid life forms by staring at all the varieties of nail polish on the wall above her head.

While this whole shenanigan ensued, Ditz couldn't help but almost WISH she was studying something CONVENTIONAL, something like MATH. Oh, wait. SHE DID THAT ALREADY.

What Ditz apparently "studies/does": English student who wants to be a private high school English teacher.

What Ditz ACTUALLY "studies/does": PR student with a knack for shoes and things that are sparkly.

Oh, right. SAME THING.

IF YOU LIVE ON MARS.

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? ME, THAT'S WHO.

Pre-blog, I went on an excursion to Toronto, to visit my favorite Toronto Kitten. She conned me into buying THE most INAPPROPRIATE dress EVER. It's been worn EXACTLY ONCE, and that ONE time, it got LOOKS. Not your average "Oh, hey, that's a COOL DRESS" looks, or even "WELL, it's a little out there, but she is ADORABLE" looks. More like "CHRIST, THAT GIRL HAS SOME NERVE" looks.


You all laughed at me, and told me this was not a dress for a nice girl from Cote St Luc. BUT I KEPT IT ANYWAYS.

Words do not do this FROCK justice. But do you know what DOES do it justice? THIS.

No, your eyes do not deceive you. THAT'S A ZIPPER THAT RUNS FROM THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM. It fits like a Herve Leger bandage dress. Except it's not.

Guess what.

People Magazine's Style Watch in this week's issue (MADONNA AND GUY RITCHIE SPLIT: NO PRENUP, NO SOULS, NO MERCY!) features something interesting. ZIPPER DRESSES.

HAH.

SO. THERE. ONCE AGAIN, DITZ IS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.

Something That Makes Me LOL

I really do NOT love the Pussycat Dolls. I loved the original burlesque show concept. The band? NO.

They have this ONE song that really GRINDS MY GEARS. You know which one? "When I grow up, I wanna have [INSERT HERE]"

I argued endlessly with my male pets. "GUYS. IT'S GROUPIES, NOT BOOBIES."

And they'd say, "DITZ, IT'S ABOUT BOOBIES. THEY'RE THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS."

And Ditz'd GRUNT and ignore them.

Momma Ditz & I read People Magazine like it would be the Bible. I saw this bit weeks ago, but consistently forgot to mention it. One week, they wrote about the song, and about how the Pussycat Dolls wanted BOOBIES when they grew up. I snorted when I saw that. Great. So the lyrics are really BOOBIES. PEOPLE MAGAZINE DOESN'T LIE.

Or do they...

The following week, because I am a SUPER NERD, I was scanning their corrections box. I love when magazines screw up. Turns out, THEY SCREWED UP THE LYRICS.

IT'S GROUPIES.

DITZ: 1, MALE PETS: 0.

Food For Thought

God, I wish this was a post about snacks. I love snacks.

It's not.

Heard on Montreal's Light Rock Station Q92 this week:
Montreal has been rated as one of the most UNFRIENDLY major metropolis cities in the world. New York is apparently the friendliest.

I mention this because I victimize strangers with elevator eyes on a daily basis.

No, not really.

I mention this because a friendly American Worker Bee stepped into my office and announced that he'd gotten clear lost during his first sojourn in our fair city and NOT A SINGLE PERSON HELPED HIM OUT.

Typical. I'd likely snort at someone who asked me for directions. That, or I'd send them in the opposite direction.

NO. NOT ACTUALLY. Well, maybe. Depends on the day.

Maybe we should take this little snackpack of love and think. The price of a smile is free. EVEN AT MCDONALD'S. You can order a BAG FULL of smiles. WHAT WOULD IT COST YOU TO BE NICE TO THAT OLD MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING?

Oh right. Your soul.

Hey? Kittens? Go smile at 4 strangers today. Just do it. Ditz says so.