Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Topics of Discussion

OR

Assorted topics that I need to cover.

Tell me it's a waste of an entry, but I think I need to post a list of things I have to discuss. I've been out of commission for a week [and 2-3 days] and I naturally do NOT WANT TO MISS ANYTHING. Also, I know you all sometimes like to see what's coming, before you read, n'est-ce-pas?

  • Travel, TravelDitz Visits the Maritimes: Hilarity Ensues.
  • Miss Ditz Gets Intimate with Asphalt: HILARITY DOES NOT ENSUE.
  • EXCITEMENT News/Ditz = REAL PERSON
  • Notes on Disappointments
  • InspiraDitz
  • How To Be Inappropriate, ALL THE TIME

Wow. I like when I give myself PLENTY OF WORK TO DO. You know what? That's my own punishment. This is what I get for not keeping up-to-date and for being a LAZY PARASITE. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR CHOOSING SLEEP OVER BLOGGING.

I am patting myself REALLY HARD on the back now. Really, really hard. And by patting, I mean smacking. And by on the back, I mean MY HEAD.

Get ready...

And hey, by the way, did you all notice I never posted that catalogue of all the spring/summer clothing I wanted? I just realized that now. Maybe I'll do it for Fall. MAYBE I'LL GET TOO LAZY AGAIN. I'd right now do the contents of my cosmetic bag, BUT I LEFT THE ONE WITH THE GOOD/FUN STUFF AT THE OFFICE. (Fiery Bee? Top Honey Bee? One of you take it into custody until I return from my CSST break...) And yes, naturally I have MULTIPLE cosmetic bags. Have we met yet??

ALSO: before I embark onto Bloggsville, Population: Ditz, let me just take this opportunity to send glorious regards to kitten readers ON AN INTERNATIONAL LEVEL. GREETINGS KITTENS IN U.S.A., IRELAND, NORWAY, GERMANY, ROMANIA, AUSTRALIA AND THE U.K. And obviously, Bonjour to my pets all across Canada. Sweet kittens, this is no joke. Ditz is going INTERNATIONAL.

God. Even on days where I hate life, I can't manage to stay angry at life when I know that my KITTENS around the world are playing in my playground! You are all my top bananas. Except for those of you who are rotten. Get out of my FRUIT SALAD.

Onto the next!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Guilty Pleasures

Let's talk. I haven't made a list in like 12 minutes.

Instead of my usual "I like this"/"I don't like that" garbage, today, I bring you a list of my TOP Guilty Pleasures, in no particular order.
  • Meatloaf, the singer, not the food. A friendly top pet was kind enough to buy me the BAT OUT OF HELL CD. Seriously, "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" IS A 12 MINUTE EXTENDED VERSION. WITH AMAZING NEW LYRICS. AND EXTRA VERSES IN THE FEMALE VOCALIST PART. Admittedly, I haven't gotten past track 1. I don't think I intend on it. I do intend, however, to learn ALL the lyrics for the verses that I am not familiar with. I enjoy a good ROCK OUT session in my car.

  • The Miss Universe pageant, and/or beauty pageants in general. Top Kitten and I were SURPRISED with this GEM on TV Sunday night. Jerry Springer and MEL B hosted. We kept score. Throughout every round. We picked our favorites, and saw which of our picks made it through. Miss USA took a spill. She would. South America produces more beauty queens than McDonald's produces heart attacks. Venezuela won, but Colombia should've. Kosovo should have NEVER made it to the top 10. She looked like a TRANNY.

  • White Castle burgers. I know we don't have them here, but I was at some BIRTHDAY festivities that included those on the menu. Apparently you can get them frozen in Plattsburgh. ROAD. TRIP. They are delicious morsels of heaven. I love meat and cheese. Obviously I don't love Kashrut.

  • Quiet Roar = HEAVEN. 2 NIGHTS IN A ROW. They are the best band ever. Even when they don't play me LOVE GENERATION. Still love them.

  • Costco sample time is seriously so underrated. WHERE ELSE ON EARTH can you have bite-size morsels of ASSORTED deliciousnesses?? Limit 1 per customer? I THINK NOT. I hovered around the pasta section until they stopped cooking. I missed the seasoned pork. Do people actually buy the things they taste? Did I? NOPE.
  • Fun party games, in the form of "Which Would You Rather?" and/or "Fuck/Marry/Kill". Seriously, I would choose a hearty round of FMK over Bananagrams, and that says ALOT. I enjoy making choices that NOBODY wants. One is worse than the other. Like which would you rather: explosive diarrhea for the rest of your life OR drink a gallon of drano? I PICK BOTH.
  • Cheeseburgers with floats. I am really NOT KOSHER. Nothing says delish like bathing your meat in its mother's milk. NOTHING.
  • And last, but certainly not the least, Miley Cyrus. I hate her. But really, I love her. THERE. YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING.

Now go eat a snack.


Saturday, July 19, 2008

On Hair

I must say that going to the hairdresser is such a pleasant experience. USUALLY. It took me a solid 20+ years to find someone who doesn't hack off all my hair and laugh and/or unevenly cut my hair and then tell me the next time she sees me that my hair is crooked [IDIOT, YOU CUT IT. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SHODDY CUT].

I love the salon I go to, I ADORE my stylist.

What's the problem? Yes, there's always a problem.

I had someone different - potentially new - wash my hair. I love the hair-washing experience. USUALLY. I love a good scalp rubdown. This girl (I really shouldn't have tipped her) DUG HER FINGERS INTO MY SCALP. Like I was in serious PAIN. CHRIST, I HAVE A MODERATE HEADACHE NOW BECAUSE OF HER. I couldn't say anything because I was mostly asleep (until she jerked my head and dropped it on the ceramic sink) and I feel like this is her TECHNIQUE. I didn't want to offend her and be at the mercy of VENGEFUL FINGERED HAIR WASHING GIRL. She's type of girl who'd JAB HER FINGERS INTO MY EYES, just for fun.

START LOOKIN' FOR A NEW JOB, SISTER.

The worst part is that the entire time she was DIGGING HER FINGERS into my head, I was thinking how much I want to blog about this.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Ditz Enters 21st Century: MAZAL TOVS ALL AROUND

First of all, let me begin by saying that contrary to popular belief, I am neither technologically retarded nor technologically brilliant. I range somewhere in the middle. Like really smack in the middle. I usually can figure things out in ample time. I can read directions. I AM, after all, mostly literate.

I will say this, though. I was really FIRMLY against getting an earpiece. I think they make you look like extras from Star Trek, and no, not in the good way. I can't stand when I'm out and I THINK someone is talking to me BUT THEY ARE NOT. THEY ARE YAPPING INTO THEIR MAGICAL EARPIECES.

[Tangent: I am 6 years old. I just picked off all the offensive vegetables on a piece of vegetarian pizza. I am left with mushrooms and small islands of cheese. Delish.]

ANYWAY, back on track.

I finally bought a bluetooth earpiece for my stupid phone. NOT ONLY THAT, but I figured out how to set it up. Yes. I used the pretty colorful idiot-friendly step-by-step instructions. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. I GOT IT TO WORK. THAT is the point.

You know what was my incentive to finally get off my rump roast and buy it? $115 ticket & 3 demerits. No. I didn't get one, THANK LORD. I just heard what the consequence is.

Let's just pray I actually use it. Watch me fall in love with it. HANDSFREE TALKING WHILE SHOPPING. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT SOONER?!

Stupid Ditz.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

An Open Letter From Ditz's Chandelier

Dear Ditz,

Listen you. We need to have a major chat. What is your problem with changing lightbulbs? We KNOW it's not an environmental thing. I mean, COME ON. You fall asleep 4/7 nights a week with your SMALL LAMPS on. You don't care about electricity. You're just a lazy parasite. We know.

Let's just recap the past few months with you. You've been sitting in a barely lit room for at least 3 months. 3/13 lightbulbs were working. Last weekend, the number went down to 2. We're trying to prove a point here, Ditz. YOU CAN'T LIVE IN THE DARKNESS FOREVER. We decided to be nice. We decided to re-ignite one of the bulbs so you'd be back to 3. BUT DID YOU LEARN? NO. STILL DIDN'T CHANGE OUR BULBS.

We know you. We know you'd have kept this up until you had one functioning bulb left. Thankfully, your father loves you and worries that you keep walking into your bed. He also worries that you won't be able to find your glasses when you take your contacts out. That's a completely separate story. THANKFULLY, he changed ALL of the bulbs last night.

We also know how much your eyes hurt because you're not used to such bright lights. By the way, how's your headache?

That's why we decided to let 3 bulbs burn out this morning. Now you're back down to 10.

Sucks to be you, Miss Ditz. TOUGH LIFE.

Love,
Your Chandelier

Friday, July 11, 2008

FUN FACTOID

Fun Fact:

I installed Google Analytics on my blog. Yes, I figured out how to program it. I took Java programming, okay? I'm not JUST shoes and shopping and whining.

FunnER Fact:

Since installation, I have been able to track countries where my visitors reside. Google doesn't lie. I have had one visitor each from ROMANIA and NORWAY.

So, with that, I send a large HELLOOOO to my friendly Romanian & Norwegian readers.

An Open Letter (ANOTHER ONE?) To Winners

Dear Winners,

Let's talk. You know I am your biggest fan ever. You KNOW I have a problem with this new RUNWAY section you put in. You KNOW I can't walk out of your stores without at least 1 pair of Betsey Johnson shoes and/or J Brands [yes. I find J Brands at Winners.]. I EVEN know which Winnerses (it's now a double plural word. Deal with it) are good and which are bad. Listen to me, and you listen to me clearly.

I have some problems with your stores.

In no particular order:

  • NO ACCESSORIES IN THE FITTING ROOM. What is UP with THAT? I can't see how that top will look in real life if I can't bring a belt inside. I can't see how long the jeans are without a pair of shoes. NOT NICE. What do you think I'm going to do? STEAL A $4.99 BELT? COME ON.
  • Anti-theft tags - those HUGE plastic ones - in the most INOPPORTUNE places, i.e. waistbands on jeans/pants, digging into the back of a dress. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO PUT THEM SOMEWHERE NON-OBSTRUCTIVE?
  • Incoherent clearance price stickers. Self-explanatory.
  • Dressing room clerks who are OBNOXIOUS and scream at you if you don't rehang up your discards. Sorry to sound like a brat, BUT IT IS YOUR JOB LADIES. SUCK IT UP.
  • 6-item dressing room limits. 6?! WHAT IF I WANT TO TRY 4 SIZES OF ONE THING? I GET SCREWED. Again, I'm NOT shoplifting. I just like trying EVERYTHING on.
  • Not enough J Brands. In my size.

I'm not going to complain about how MESSY the stores are. That's part of your charm, and I am very well aware. These problems really just SADDEN ME and put a DAMPER on my shopping experience.

Fix this. Really. Or else I'll stop buying Betsey Johnson shoes.
No I won't. Yet ANOTHER empty threat.

Your pal,

Miss Ditz

10 Quick Words

Tonight.
AND.
OR.
Tomorrow.
Night.
Quiet.
Roar.
Jello.
Bar.
GO.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

New Life Vocation: A Fairy Tale

If all else fails, I have an excellent career brewing as a receptionist who is UNABLE to use fancy shmancy coffee makers.

Allow me to explain further, in standard story format.

Once upon a time, in a far away magical land, where princesses did NOT live in towers and princes OFTEN were lizards and toads, lived a charming little Ditz. She was a charming little creature, and dreamed of a life where she could don her favorite tiara and skip in daisy fields. Miss Ditz worked especially hard to maintain her lifestyle, and often found herself swimming in piles of shoes.

One blustery, hot summer's day, Little Miss Ditz was replacing the Fiery Ginger Head Honey Bee at the Honey Factory. She managed all her tasks beautifully, with the exception of ONE. For you see, Miss Ditz is a champion multi-tasker and can do anything, except for operate heavy machinery. From fixing computers to jamming printers, Little Ditz was a teensy bit of a mess. A fine Knight and his henchmen requested that Ditzie come forth with coffee for their conference. In all her glory and pride, Ditz could not refuse this challenge.

Ditz summoned her Top Honey Bee and they ventured off to the magical laboratory where all the experiments and chemical reactions took place. Upon glancing at the magical machine where many a coffee cup was made, Ditz knew she was in for a struggle. After not one, not two, but DOZENS of failed attempts, Top Honey Bee called upon Friendly Worker Bee to ensure that these two silly girls were NOT breaking the magical machine. More unsuccessful attempts occurred, with Ditz feeling sillier and sillier after each trial. With her tail between her legs, she had to inform the kind Knights that she was not only bearing bad news, but ALSO not presenting them with coffee. Thankfully, Ditz was blessed with both the charm and knack for making a bad situation upbeat, and the Knights did not send her to the beheading block.

Much to Ditz's dismay, the machine was NOT, in fact, broken. Minutes later, she spied a young soul holding a mug of what APPEARED to be coffee from the magical machine.

The moral of this fine tale, as there always is one, is that Ditz in her infinite wisdom will likely steer clear of coffee makers. Don't ask her to make you a coffee unless it's instant. She just can't handle machines with NO INSTRUCTIONS.

Letters To Mark: ANOTHER Series

Dear Marky,

When was the last time I wrote a letter? April? It's been a while. Remember me? I didn't like Facebook Chat. I also wanted you to add me as a friend- WHICH YOU STILL WON'T. Whatever. I'm over those things. FOR NOW.

Marky, I have a new problem with Facebook. Let me start by saying this one thing: I was INFINITELY happy when you fixed the status thing, so that IS wasn't a requirement. KUDOS. That was LONG OVERDUE. Here's my beef, Marky. Cool that IS is optional. Cool. WHY DO PEOPLE STILL MAKE THEIR STATUSES AROUND THE IS??? "Marlene is loving the summer heat." NO MARLENE. JUST GET RID OF THE IS. CAN'T YOUR STATUS JUST BE "Marlene loves the summer heat"?

Marky, write a Facebook blog entry about optional IS. Just do it. This misuse of verb conjugation really grinds my gears, and ALMOST makes me want to deactivate my account.

No, it doesn't actually. That was an empty threat. I'll never deactivate.

Wishing you all the best,
Your soon-to-be best pal,

Miss Ditz

Things That I Am, According To Peers, WITH Definitions

  1. A Gloom Dispenser: (noun) One who dispenses gloom as opposed to friendly pleasantries. E.g: "I hate to be a gloom dispenser, but a storm's a brewin' and you shouldn't drive in this."

  2. Chola Girl: (adj.) A female who models herself after the Latina style of living, categorized by dark lip liner with pale lips, big hoop earrings, gelled hair. Attitude includes tough, ruthless behavior and the tendency to get in fist fights. E.g: "Ditz loves her close friends to the point that she'd kick another girl's behind for her. Ditz is the closest thing Montreal's Jewish community has to a Chola Girl."

  3. Lolz: (adj.) Someone/thing who is funny, good, pleasant. A positive characteristic to have. E.g: "Ditz brought Top Kitten an apple baba today. Ditz is so Lolz."

  4. Demon: (noun) A being who best belongs in the underworld, where all the evil-spirited things she may do are socially acceptable. Includes the tendency to flaunt one's good fortune at the expense of others' feelings. E.g: "Ditz was such a demon yesterday, she flirted with a man who has a girlfriend, WHILE WEARING A MINISKIRT."

  5. Vampire: (pr. noun) Like a demon, a being who best belongs in the underworld, and/or a creature who may only visit with civilians in the daylight. Also: Creature of the Night. E.g: "Ditz does not leave her house before sundown on most days, her vampire tendencies are showing."

  6. Cougar: (adj.) An older woman who preys on little boys, also categorized as a Creature of the Night. Characteristic qualities include leopard print attire, a sharp tongue, voluminous hair (extra Aqua Net), red lips and straight vodka. Tendencies to lounge about and lure young men into her lair. Similar in concept to Mrs. Robinson. E.g: "Upon seeing the shirtless teenaged gardener, Ditz batted her eyelashes like a cougar and unbuttoned an extra button on her blouse."

  7. Hero: (adj.) Someone who manages to accomplish seemingly impossible tasks at the exact same time, i.e. going on consecutive multiple dates in a short span of time. E.g: "Ditz is a hero because she managed to find the only normal men over 21 in a bar full of underage children."

Sunday, July 6, 2008

An Open Letter, From Ditz's Wallet & Closets

Dear Ditz,

We get it. You love fancy things. WE GET IT. Remember when you said you wouldn't go overboard at Aritzia in Toronto? YOU LIED. Remember when you said the Manolo Blahniks would be the last pair of shoes you'd buy all summer long? YOU LIED. Remember when you said that you didn't care if you found the Mouse Flats? LIAR. You really need to work on KEEPING YOUR WORD. Wallet is full of Visa receipts. Closet can't deal with the overabundance of clothing and shoes. You need to take a SHOPPING BREAK.

Listen, we understand. Sort of. You found a classic pair of Manolo Blahniks on sale for less than half of the regular price. It was a really good deal. You couldn't NOT buy them. They're the best shoes you've ever bought (since your Louboutins last summer). We get it.

We also understand that you've been searching high and dry for those godforsaken Mouse Flats for years. We know you love them. THEY'RE MOUSE SHOES. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU A WALKING ZOO?

AND ANOTHER THING. 2 trips to Aritzia in 2 days? COME ON. YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. At least you bought nice respectable things this time, not like LAST TIME. Ahem? Your zipper dress? DON'T THINK WE FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

Ditz, this is your first warning. Stop shopping, or we'll MAKE YOU STOP.
With love, your pals,
Closet #1, Closet #2 and your Wallet.

cc: Community Under The Bed, Ditz's Parental Units, Car Trunk

P.S. We decided to be nice. We're attaching pictures of your two latest shoe purchases. We know your kittens want to see.

I Want To Be Mrs. Bill Nye, His Science Bride

As previously mentioned, today, I decided to conduct a scientific experiment. No, it wasn't my usual "Let's Mix Everything At The Table And See Who'll Be Stupid Enough To Eat It". This one was a SERIOUS experiment.

In proper format, here are the results of my experiment.

Research Question: What effect does the use of an indoor tanning lotion have on outdoor tanning experiences?

Hypothesis: Skin will burn to a crisp.

Materials: Mirage Quadruple Bronzer indoor tanning lotion (I am ghostly white. I need 4x as many bronzers as you); 1 willing and able pasty Ditzy Specimen (that would be me); Sunshine with a high UV index; Ipod containing rockin' tunes; Corona with lemon (I drink alone. Like a creep.); Large sunglasses for large face tan lines.

Set Up: Lotion is applied to legs and chest. Specimen sits outdoors for 2 hours.

Independent Variable: Lotion is meant for indoors and contains little-to-no SPF.

Constant: Regular sunscreen was applied to rest of body.

Control: Tan lines currently existing on body.

Dependent Variable: Pasty flesh that will either bronze, burn or remain the same.

Trials: One. This is a one-time thing. If it works and does not cause major burnage, lotion will be reused. Constantly.

Results: Legs and chest are deeply bronze. Not a sign of a sunburn on this Ditz!

Conclusion: While Mirage Quadruple Bronzer MAY be for indoor tanning, it provides a charming bronze glow after an afternoon of sitting outdoors. Likely should be mixed with regular sunscreen, lest sunburnage occurs.

In No Particular Order

A listing of important life notes from the past 2 weeks: (for my own memory's sake, I am trying to do it in chronological order. Wish me luck.)
  • Visiting Toronto was a journey and a half. ON MY VISA.
  • I enjoy meeting charming strangers at bars who turn out to be pleasant, normal and delicious.
  • Drinking games are not JUST for 17 year olds.
  • In Truths and/or Dares, collective discussions deciding on truths and/or dares is essential.
  • If all else fails, go lick a wall.
  • I would live at the Big Apple/Apple Pie Factory if it was socially acceptable.
  • I would also live in Gananoque. Pitch me a tent between the McDonald's and the Casino. I will have 20 McNuggets to go. Thanks.
  • I am finished summer school 1 class. HELLO PARTY SUMMER!
  • I am no longer eating all-you-can-eat sushi. My sensitive stomach (AND ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS CAST-IRON) can't deal with the concept of me eating all-I-can-eat.
  • Apparently my new health regime consists of weekly vomit sessions. No, this isn't my bulimic cry for help, this is just me sharing the fact that I can't handle food and it keeps me in shape. Hah.
  • I thought I lost my one-piece bathing suit. FOUND IT.
  • $500 to American Apparel & $200 to Le Chateau in gift certificates. I paid $350. Technically, I paid $250 and my mom paid $100. Details, details. Prediction: AA gift cards will be done by November.
  • I like Toronto's upscale club scene. Male-to-female ratio is easily 17:1. I like those odds. Especially when it means a group of 4 kittens gets swarmed on the dance floor. Love it.
  • In addition to that, having friends with friends who have "relations" with bartenders at upscale clubs is solid. IT WAS LIKE AN OPEN BAR PARTY. EXCEPT IT WASN'T OPEN BAR FOR ANYONE EXCEPT US. HAH.
  • Chicken bacon is less superior than pork bacon. Obviously.
  • Cousin's wedding was beautiful. Really. Nothing offensive to say. EXCEPT for 1 point of order: semi-sheer, sparkly sequin dresses from the clearance rack at Sears are not appropriate to wear to a wedding.
  • Top Kitten's birthday events: delicious, delicious, delicious! She is 26, and 9 months, and at her prime. Kudos.
  • Still haven't unpacked my bag from last weekend in Toronto. I am a lazy parasite.
  • I attempted- and am working on perfecting- hot rollers on short bobbed hair. Survey says: needs work, BUT, has potential.
  • I love life.

Next up: Results of Today's Scientific Experiment AND News From My Wallet

Go Ahead, MAKE MY TAN

Before I begin on a series of catch-up entries, let me say one thing.

I am going to tempt fate this afternoon. I am going to see what happens when you use tanning cream that is CLEARLY meant for tanning beds as a sunscreen for outside. This is my first scientific experiment. This week.

Here are my hypotheses for potential outcomes:

  1. Nothing happens. Tanning cream will double as moisturizer, and needs the chemical reaction from direct UV exposure.
  2. Sunburn deluxe. Tanning cream with its SPF of -45 will cause excessive burnage, leading me to standard Lobster status.
  3. Sexy glow. Tanning cream acts as ultimate tanning tool. Ditz is happy with bronze legs.

Truth: my guess is either 1 or 2 are the outcomes. God doesn't love me enough for #3 to be the reality!