Saturday, August 30, 2008

Crying Mess

Get ready to make fun of me endlessly:
For Better or For Worse is actually my favorite comic strip in the entire universe. Go ahead. Laugh. I've been following it for years. I can't start my day unless I've gotten my strip fix. I don't have all the books (or any), BUT I do turn a healthy 25 this year. Need a present idea for the Ditz? Get me a FBorFW book. [I love how I started birthday talking already. My birthday's not until December. I've got 1 round of midterms, holidays and a few snowfalls before birthday rolls around.]

Now, for those of you who DON'T follow FB or FW (SHAME ON YOU), let me clue you in. It's finished. Like all the main story lines were summed up this weekend. IT'S OVER. NO MORE NEW STORIES.

I CRIED READING THE LAST 2 STRIPS. LIKE ACTUAL TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE. And by tears streaming down my face, I mean I choked up and my eyes watered. I may be a Ditz, but I can control myself! Sort of...

It's the end of an era. I need a new comic strip to follow.

Friday, August 29, 2008

GO WATCH MY VLOG

No, really.

Go.

I'd just like to mention that it took me a total of 24 hours to figure out how to get it posted. I really live up to my Ditz name sometimes!

Blogger gives you 100 MB max to post a video. My vlog was 144 MB. Typical.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my Mathematics (half) degree for forcing me to take Java programming, which, in turn helped me in encoding my video into a post. Hmm? SHOCKED THAT THE DITZ CAN SPEAK JAVA? NOT SO DITZY!

Big Love Pets. BIG LOVE!

Ditz = RISKAYYY

Kittens & Pets, Pals & Gals, I bring you my first VLOG.

I know I've been talking about it. I know NONE of you believed I'd do it. Truth: I LOVE VLOGGING. Enjoy, my sweet pets. And BY THE WAY, I clearly did NOT primp/get ready to film myself. It was a total spur of the moment. Natural Ditz will probably NEVER make an appearance ever again. No, that's a lie. I am clearly too lazy to do my face for my VLOG. I love you all and hope you love my vlog (and my pretty little face and messy hair).





Original Video- More videos at TinyPic

Monday, August 25, 2008

Momma Knows Best

This merits its own post. Partly because it's so classic, and partly because Momma Ditz started following her little Ditz's blog, and I know she'll feel special. I almost wonder if she did this to get blogged. MAGIC 8 BALL SAYS: IT IS DECIDEDLY SO.

Allow me to precursor with this. Ditz is really slow. Extra lazy, parasite styles. Ditz is USUALLY 5-10 minutes late for work. Momma Ditz does NOT like this. Momma Ditz is always concerned that Little Ditz will be late and reprimanded.

Momma Ditz came up with an incentive program for Ditz.

She leaves me $5 on the kitchen table IF and only IF I get out of the house by 8:35. At precisely 8:36 a.m., if I have not left the house, the $5 IS REMOVED.

Laugh it up, but $5 goes a LONG WAY.

She started this on Friday.

I have an extra $10 to my name.

I love life, and I especially love my INCENTIVE PROGRAM.

Hey, Momma Ditz? Think of an incentive program for me to clean my room and closets. Something like a new pair of shoes.

Discrimination

Titles are misleading. I bet you're all thinking that Ditz is SUDDENLY deep.

SORRY KITTENS. NOT TODAY.

Let's talk about odds, ratios. Let's talk about CANDY. I discriminate - HARD - against candies that aren't RED. They just don't taste the same. OTHER COLORS TASTE LIKE CRAP. Green? Since when do green things taste good? And YELLOW. GROSS. Orange can be mildly tolerable. MILDLY. It's all about red. I used to go to candy stores (Sucre Bleu? I have like 15 stamped cards. I must be due for some free candy) and get GIANT BAGS of only red candy. Cherry Blasters, red Gummy Worms, red Sour Keys, red Gummy Turtles, red Gummy SHARKS. If another color got into my bag, IT WAS RAPIDLY REMOVED. I can easily rack up a $20 bag with JUST RED CANDY. I discriminate against other colors. I AM A CANDY RACIST.

(Obviously not a real racist. My racism is exclusive to candy.)

So, onto serious topics.

I opened up my mini-package of Sour Patch Kids just before, which is what spawned this whole candy-tirade. Inside, I found a spinal cord and teeth. Yes. Inside, was my TWIN. No, not really. I haven't watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding in ages. I miss it. The mini-package had EXACTLY 10 SPKs inside. Ready to talk stats?
Red: 5
Orange: 2
Yellow: 2
Green: 1

HEY. AT LEAST THEY'RE SMARTENING UP AT THE CANDY FACTORY. They know nobody likes green. They KNOW people barely tolerate orange and/or yellow. And they ESPECIALLY know that everyone LOVES RED.

And by everyone, I mean me.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Another Driving Incident

This time, no romance. Well, it COULD be a romantic story. I'm choosing to NOT glamorize it that way.

This time.

Today, on my lovely morning drive to work, I was doing two "AS USUAL" things:
  1. Putting on make-up at every red light.
  2. Singing at the top of my lungs (current mix: "Songs That Have NO RELATION To Each Other/Songs I Love - This Week") (and yes, that's the ACTUAL title of my mix).

Before I continue, I might add that there is a #3 to that list, that unfortunately was not included today: eating something fattening from Tim Horton's.

Now that I've set the stage, we'll play a round of Normally. Normally, I belt out normal tunes appropriate for morning drives. Normally, I do everything at the same time and am not the least bit disrupted. Normally, my drives to work are uneventful. Normally, I sing without wearing my STUPID bluetooth earpiece, because, yes, I WANT you to know I'm singing BY MYSELF in my car. I don't need the earpiece excuse. I am comfortable enough with my own OFF-KEY SINGING.

Today, however, I opted to put on my mascara at a red light (this is not unusual, have you EVER been in a car with me?) while singing along to a specific song. I was really REALLY belting that crap out. Singing, dancing, the WHOLE 9 yards.

I got honked at. Not because the light had turned green, but because the two gnarly men in the truck next to me were DANCING ALONG TOO.

I am shameless, and was not the slightest bit embarrassed. I flashed those losers my million-dollar smile, batted my freshly-mascaraed eyelashes and waved. Come on, what else was the little Ditz supposed to do?

Now, I know you're all wondering what song I was singing so PASSIONATELY. Wait for it. Dolly Parton's cover of Drive Me Crazy. Yes. I am a country bumpkin. AND I LOVE IT.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

And Now, For Something Completely Different...

No, this isn't a Monty Python-related posting. I seriously wish it was. I found this little morsel of goodness linked on Perez. Obviously.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26203228/?GT1=4300

You all know how I feel about board games. Truth: I own this BetaMax video version of Clue. Truth #2: I also own a BetaMax player.

Life Love: Forgotten OR Romance Novel Material

I forgot how much I love life, and by life, I mean bloggage. [This was originally written on August 8th. I am behind.]

Driving home from work today, I took an alternate route home, in order to avoid PESKY TRAFFIC on STUPID STREETS. In true romance-novel styles, I will recount a lovely happening, where I met my one true love: Old Man in Rusty Car.

T'was a blustery afternoon as Miss Ditz dashed out of workplace. Miss Ditz shielded her lengthy auburn waves as she ran, bosoms heaving [come on, I HAD to say that], hair blowing in the wind, towards her car. The rain was not letting up. Miss Ditz shivered as she fumbled for her keys, digging deep within the heavy purse that made her shoulders dip ever so slightly, causing her shirt strap to slide down from her rain-drizzled flesh and expose a bare shoulder. A heavy wind blew a gust towards Ditz as she slid swiftly into her car. She revved up her engine and casually drove beyond the confinements of the company's parking lot. Ditz ran long, thin fingers along her bare thighs, pursed her full red lips while awaiting the change of the traffic lights. Ditz inhaled deeply and exhaled a deep sigh, as though she'd been waiting her entire life for the signal to change from fire engine red to the greenest of greens.

She drove with the passion and feist of a woman yearning to meet her soul mate, singing every love song she knew. Ditz pulled up to a familiar intersection, and by this point, she was daydreaming heavily. Remembering lost loves, replaying minute-by-minute details. Ditz sighed again; running fingers lightly through the length of her tresses. Ditz closed her eyes and let her hand caress the back of her neck, grazed the nape of her neck and shoulders. Caught up in her seemingly private moment, she opened her eyelids slowly, revealing ivy green eyes framed by long black lashes. As Ditz gracefully turned her head, she gradually realized that she had not been alone in her car, though she thought she had. Heavy eyelids housed the deepest of brown eyes, burning holes in Ditz's windows, and peering through the holes was Ditz's soon-to-be true love: Old Man in Rusty Car.

Old Man gestured frantically, smiling with the teeth of a tiger ready to pounce on its prey. Miss Ditz was confused, seldom did men of that prestige take notice to her unless it was to inform her that her tire was flat, or that she'd parked too close to the corner. Ditz held in a deep breath as her slender index finger pressed slightly to lower her window. She hesitated, gripping the shaft of the shift, and cleared her throat. Ditz could not believe the words escaping out of her full lips, bouncing off her small pink tongue.

"Yes... Is there a problem? What can I do for you?"

And she could barely fathom, much less have expected, the words that would shortly escape from the Old Man's beige lips:

"Je t'aime. Je t'aime!"

Swift as desire, Ditz flashed her full movie-star smile, using the full volume of her lips and teeth, while speeding off into the sunset; Old Man turned the corner, never to be seen again.

ALSO

Today is a very special day.

Today we send out many birthday wishes to Ditz's Top Bubbs.

GO GIVE A GRANDPARENT A HUG TODAY AND/OR GO GIVE MINE A HUG. She gave my mother life, who, in turn, gave ME life. We should thank these special women daily for bringing me and my inflated ego into this world.

(Editor's note: Ditz's ACTUAL grandmother is a blogfan. JEALOUS?)

Quote Of The Day (So Far)

It was brought to Top Worker Bee's attention that I mentioned that she knows NOTHING in a previous entry. This being, of course, because she could/would not support purchasing red True Religion jeans.

She went to La Ronde this weekend. The workers apparently have nice uniforms. Red pants.

"Go buy your red jeans and then you can work at La Ronde."

LISTEN TOP WORKER BEE. THEY ARE STYLISH. Just you wait until your BOYFRIEND brings you home a sample pair of colored jeans. (Worker Bee's Man? Reading this? Bring her home red jeans and tell her they're the next big thing.)

Captain Annoying Visits Miss Resourceful

There has to be something wrong with me. The universe is CLEARLY punishing me for SOMETHING. Come along, sweet kittens, allow me to explain...

I thought I was going to be useful. I thought it would be a SMART and/or RESOURCEFUL idea to make my lunch now, before I went to sleep. Too often do I get lazy in the morning and wind up eating a dry chicken sandwich with greasy fries. Wait. Am I complaining? That's a delish lunch. ANYWAYS.

I'll do it in pure Ditz style.

Ditz Is Resourceful: preparing lunch for the next day.
Life Responds With ANNOYINGNESS: impossible task of finding MATCHING TUPPERWARE TOPS & BOTTOMS. Yes. 15 minutes down the drain scavenging in NO-MAN'S-LAND.

Ditz Is Helpful: emptying and loading dishwasher to be nice to Mommy.
Life Responds With ANNOYINGNESS: unloading dishwasher and replacing dished into cabinets IS NOISY AND DISRUPTIVE TO LIFE.

After tonight, we'll just see HOW RESOURCEFUL I STAY, and whether or not my neighbor, LAZY PARASITE visits.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Ditz Needs SURVEILANCE

I spilled my glass of water all over my desk, and by MY desk, I mean Fiery Ginger Bee's desk. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A DAY OFF? I CAN'T MANAGE LIFE.

That's a half joke. Half.

Let me get to my points quickly. First of all, WATER TRAVELS REALLY FAST. Like EVERYTHING had trinklings of water. The stapler, the keyboard, the mouse, THE FLOOR. Secondly, the paper towels I found were BARELY ABSORBENT. HOW CAN I BE ECO-FRIENDLY AND NOT USE TONS OF PAPER WHEN THE PAPER TOWELS BARELY ABSORB WATER!?

I must've used at LEAST half the roll.

Rainforest, I apologize profusely.

Things That Are GOOD & Accompanying TRUTHS

Lunch breaks spent gallivanting around downtown Montreal are ultimate GLORY. As are the following items of note:
  • Thai Express Pad Sew. I love this, EXCEPT WHEN THEY ARE STINGY ON THE GREENERY. Truth: all the greenery MAY be congregating at the bottom of the box. WE'LL SEE.
  • Winners Alexis Nihon. FAVORITE PLACE EVER. I went in for a total of 8 minutes. I had hot food in my hands and no patience to really browse. HOWEVER, I will mention that they have full ranges of Betsey Johnson luggage/carry-ons, and a rack of bright yellow and red (respectively, not McDonald's stripes) True Religions ($179 I think). That, and they STILL have tons of Juicy velour. Truth: might go back and get the red ones. THEY'RE JUST THAT NICE. I SWEAR. Co-worker Top Bee says they're stupid. WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?! (We're still BFFAEAE, Top Worker Bee. I know you LOVE blogshoutouts.)
  • COPS IN JEANS. DELISH CENTRAL. Seriously, when did this PHENOMENON happen? I love my cops in general (facebook friends? Remember my NYC trip?) and I ADORE men in uniform (men, take notes) and I particularly LOVE police uniforms BUT I WILL SAY THIS: COPS IN JEANS ARE EQUIVALENT TO APPLE BABAS. DELISH, NUTRISH AND BEST EVER. Truth: I WANT A COP. Are there any Jewish cops out there? Call me.
  • OLYMPICS. BEST ENTERTAINMENT EVER. Top Kitten practically tears up every single time someone wins a medal. She claps it up because she's SO PROUD! They worked SO HARD to achieve this! By the way, everyone should be keeping up to date on scandals surrounding a certain hosting country's women's gymnastics team, their opening ceremony, you know, just THINGS. Truth: Michael Phelps really needs to call me. I might love him more than I love my Manolos. Yes, that's ALOT.

I love summertime. No joke. I also love that I found 3 greeneries on my Thai Express. And FYI: greenery = BROCCOLI. NOTHING PERVERSE PRECIOUS KITTENS!

Big Love!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

This Is Why I'm A CREEP

I bet you all can make MONSTER lists of why I'm a creep. I'll spare you the trouble with exactly ONE reason.

I have been listening to ONE song all day so far. Celine Dion/Heart/Carrie Underwood - Alone. ON REPEAT. "AND NOW IT CHILLS ME TO THE BONE/HOW DO I GET YOU ALONE?" I don't know how I'm going to manage my drive home WITHOUT CELINE/HEART/CARRIE ON REPEAT. Anyone who's spoken to me today can attest to this. Thank god I use headphones at work. I think I'd be making a TON of enemies.

I may or may not know ALL THE LYRICS right now.

I NEED HOBBIES.

4 (But Really 41) Words

Michael.
Phelps.
Sex.
Machine.

Discuss.


(Hey, where's Ian "THORPEDO" Thorpe this year? He's just as DREAMY as Michael Phelps. I MEAN, he's ALMOST as dreamy as Michael Phelps. I'm sorry, Prince Phelpsie. I didn't mean that!)

Run, Don't Walk: #1 & #2

Before I FINALLY embark on blog-update central, 2008, I have not one, but TWO quick points of order.

What else is new?!

(In no particular order)
Run-Don't-Walk #1: Pineapple Express. Hysterical. It's like God's vagina. Seriously.

Run-Don't-Walk #2: Normally, I'm really mean. Normally, I keep my GOOD shopping secrets to myself. I mean, come on. Do you honestly think I share ALL my sneaky deals with you? If I did, I WOULDN'T HAVE ANY GOOD DEALS. However, I am feeling charitable. This is a rare occasion, so MILK THIS. Costco (I still call it CLUB PRICE, neither PRICE CLUB nor COSTCO) has these delicious UGG knockoffs. NOW HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE, KITTENS. I KNOW I never EVER promote fakes (except fake hair and/or nails - that doesn't count). You will NEVER hear me encourage trips to Canal Street. If I can't afford it, it's not meant to be. I'd 100,000% prefer to wear something lower end that's real instead of a $1,200 knockoff that I paid $25 for. ALL THIS BEING SAID, the UGG knockoffs at Costco are a ridiculous STEAL/DEAL. $34 and I KID YOU NOT - they FEEL/LOOK/SMELL real. We [my matriarch] discovered them this weekend. I kept my mouth shut (and fingers tied) until now because I wanted to ensure that our household had all the sizes/colors we wanted. SELFISH DITZ. HEY, AT LEAST I TOLD YOU! Seriously, they're tall, they come in black, cream, chocolate brown and cognac. Go get them quickly before they sell out. I have 2 pairs. My mom/sister have all 4. At $34, just DON'T BE STUPID. YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

In addition, unrelated, I love Pringles Light Fat Free, featuring our friend from the south, OLESTRA. Think about why I love them, and then you'll understand.

Friday, August 8, 2008

BloggerDitz Took a Break/Is NOT Nice

I am mean.

I needed to take a bloggerbreak.

I know I'm a horrible human being, and I KNOW that deep down, you all still love the special Ditz because you KNOW that when I stop being a lazy parasite, you'll have exciting fun to read.

The ultimate truth is that I was feeling demoralized. Believe me it's not a lack of writing material. I have a never-ending list of things to discuss. Life is glorious - minus this Noah's Ark weather we're experiencing. Anyone up for rounding the animals two-by-two?? I've got an arky-arky being constructed in my backyard. Seriously.

I do have ooodles upon ooodles of wonderful news and delicious stories. Please love me and please forgive me for my negligence (truth: I was going to write neglectfulness. I love inventing words that seem real. Story of my life).

In other unrelated news, for those of you who know me personally, this won't come as a TOTAL shock, my conspiracy theories are STARTING TO COME TRUE. I don't want to get too political, because I think my political views would 100% scare the crap out of you all, but I will just leave you all with this link:
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/08/08/new-details-man-held-for-alleged-obama-assassination-threat/

Don't judge me. Ditz is a little bit literate (and by a little, I mean I can devour a book in less than a day) and Ditz loves good political CONSPIRACIES.

Truth: I found the link to this article on Perez. Don't be that impressed.