Things Ditz Doesn't Understand: Part 2

Sometimes, little Ditzes who love to tell anecdotes like to keep themselves abreast of current events. SOMETIMES, not always. I usually like to send articles of slight value to certain pals, and I usually receive interesting links from other bloggers. Today, I found a GEM myself.

I came across a charming article, on MSNBC, about a tween-oriented website, called Miss Bimbo. It's a standard girly paper doll website, except this one has/had very special features. Normally I totally advocate fun tween-oriented websites. My cousins adore Webkinz, Club Penguin. My sister uses Stardoll.

So what's the problem? What doesn't this Ditz understand?

Special features on Miss Bimbo: you can buy your doll PLASTIC SURGERY. Not normal rhinoplasties or ear-pinning. We're talking BREAST IMPLANTS. Good job. Way to encourage BIGGER BOOBS to 9-12 year olds. Wait, you say. Isn't there more? You said featureS. Miss Bimbo also allows you to buy your Bimbo DIET PILLS. SUPER. This freaks me out. Imagine dear Kiddo asking my mother if she can get IMPLANTS with a side of DIET PILLS.

I actually visited the Miss Bimbo website. Check it out. Due to MEDIA COVERAGE, they removed the diet pills option. Next up: remove plastic surgery. At least they're semi-smart.

I just can't believe a website geared at CHILDREN is/was encouraging plastic surgery and diet pills. For a change, this Ditz is at a loss for words.

Stay stylish!
xoxo

Topics of Conversation

This agenda includes the following topics of conversation, in no particular order of importance:

1. Family Matriarch FINALLY gets her daughter's style: Ditz wins.
2. Things That Are Fun: Craft Night.

Topic 1: After ages of my mother not really GETTING my style and the things that I like VS. things that I won't like concept, she finally got it. My mother presented me with a vintage cameo brooch. That's right. I use the word brooch. I also use frocks. Deal with it. Vintage is like my favoritest thing EVER. Seriously, if you have grandparents, take their old costume jewelry - if they let - and rock it. Cavendish Mall Antique Fair? My best friend. There. I told you one of my BIG shopping secrets. Happy?

Topic 2: Everyone needs to get on having craft nights. Everyone also needs to seriously start putting glue on their hands and waiting for it to dry, so it peels off. Everyone needs to seriously love and appreciate craft belts, and the the joy of learning when to stop. Glitter is seriously the manna of the craft world. This is a SERIOUS topic. OBVIOUSLY.

I won't lie. Now that I know I have actual readers, I feel such pressure to perform... IN REAL LIFE.

Much love my kittens!

Stay Stylish!
xoxo

Quote of the Day

My friend just called me a Demon. He told me flat out, that I am a Demon.

He says, and I quote, "Whoever you marry will literally be possessed by a Demon."

Charming, eh?

Editor's note: precious kittens, I enabled anonymous commenting for the sole purpose of you corresponding with me! Don't be afraid to comment on my blogs! xoxo

Something a Ditz Appreciates

This isn't a 12 point list like yesterday.

I appreciate one thing right now, and that is delicious French men who appreciate my STYLE, and tell me so.

In brief storyline: Ditz & 2 playthings visit a new watering hole. Man checks out Ditz. Ditz takes entire night to work her way over to him. Man - along with his chums - tells Ditz that he noticed her and her style right away. Friend #1 tells Ditz her outfit coordination is so well thought out. (YOU NOTICED? IT WAS WELL THOUGHT-OUT!) Shameless flirting. Ditz leaves. Ditz does NOT leave her phone number (STUPID). Will Ditz be returning to this watering hole next week, in pursuit of this man? Magic 8 Ball says: "It is decidedly so".

Lesson of the day: want to impress the Ditz? Tell her you love her style.
Life Lesson: the Ditz is stylish. Don't ever doubt her (or the power of a peacock).

This was a totally self-indulgent post.

Stay Stylish! (And go buy yourself a peacock hairclip. Seriously.)
xoxo

Things The Ditz Does NOT UNDERSTAND

In no particular order:

1. How dust bunnies get into SEALED SHOE TUPPERWARES. (Yes. I have tupperwares for shoes. This keeps Marc away from Christian and Michael. They aren't all friends. Jealous?)
2. Why PEACOCKS aren't more of a fashion staple.
3. Lauren Conrad/Heidi Montag clothing lines. What makes them more fashionable than me?
4. Horizontal stripes. Unflattering... ON EVERYONE.
5. Gas station workers/cashiers who hit on you. No, I do NOT have the NICEST SMILE YOU'VE EVER SEEN. Thanks for the compliment, but am I getting free gas out of this? NO? THEN WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON ME? I see no perks here.
6. Brown cows = chocolate milk. It's true, so stop telling me it ISN'T.
7. Froot Loops, Rice Krispies. SPELL THEM PROPERLY GODDAMNIT.
8. Ditto for your/you're and our friends their/there/they're.
9. Froot Loops in general actually. EVERY COLOR TASTES THE SAME.
10. Waterproof mascara. CLEARLY ISN'T.
11. Boys who receive delicious crafts as gifts, then regift them to nice girls, who LEAVE THEM IN THEIR CAR FOR 8 MONTHS TO ROT. Certain people will no longer be benefiting from a certain Ditz's craft skills. They know who they are.
12. Men.

Men? But Ditz, you say, you're so wise, and knowing, and charming. How can you not understand men? Kittens, I just don't get it. On an non-style-related topic, this little Ditz is ultimately confused. She thought she understood, but she's mistaken.

I don't want to get into much details, for privacy purposes (secrets, secrets are no fun unless they're shared with everyone!), but essentially, I was content with the outcome of a situation. Just as I left the building, our friend - Haunting Immediate Past - came back to visit.

Ugh. Let's see what my neighbor, Fate, has in store for me THIS TIME.

And FYI: growing pile of shit found in my closet? Still hasn't moved. I'm going to start charging myself rent soon.

Stay stylish!
xoxo

FYI/Clarification Station

Just so none of you precious pets think I'm retarded and/or a LIAR, you should all know that I had a problem setting my time zone.
Today's posting about cleaning my closets was ACTUALLY posted at like 3:30-4 p.m. this afternoon, NOT AT 11:53 A.M. THAT WOULD MAKE THE POST FICTITIOUS, WHICH, IT IS NOT.

COMPLETELY FACTUAL MY PETS. ACTUAL FACTUAL.

xoxo

Spring ClosetS Cleaning, a Timeline

My ex used to marvel at how often I clean my closets. He'd call me up on any given day that I wasn't working or in class, and without a doubt, I'd tell him I was cleaning out my closet. No, "cleaning my closets" is NOT my "I'm washing my hair/I have a hangnail/I'm watching paint dry" excuse. What he didn't seem to understand, is what really happens when I decide to clean out my closets. Miss Ditz gets sidetracked VERY EASILY. I've been talking about doing my closets again for a few weeks now. TODAY IS THE DAY.

Here is some background information for those of you who do not know of my closets. Yes. Plural. ClosetS. I used to have ONE small closet, that was CONSTANTLY overflowing, doors never shut, along with ONE large dresser that held like 4 shirts. After years of my parental units antagonizing me, brilliant matriarch came up with the solution to end all problems: LET'S JUST BUILD HER TWO LARGE CLOSETS. Essentially, we brought forward one of the walls to create closet space. So, now, I have two closets to house my exponentially-expanding wardrobe. It's a mess on a good day.

And so we begin...
12:01 p.m: Turn on closet lights, open doors and grumble. Realize the PERFECT MUSIC IS NEEDED. Check email 15 times. Check facebook. Check the mail. Wander aimlessly. Decide that a clean room is essential to closet cleaning/purging. Do nothing of value.

12:09 p.m: Try on new shoes. Announce to nobody in particular how delicious they are. Rock out to Miley Cyrus.

12:13 p.m: After hanging up 4 lurking coats, decide it's time for lunch. Take much needed break for a nosh and What Not To Wear.

1:13 p.m: Read important literature (People magazine). Check email & facebook. Glance briefly at closets.

1:20 p.m: Unwillingly drag self to closets. Decide to start on accessories because it's "easy".

1:33 p.m: Find shoeboxes full of FUN THINGS. Take a break to discuss findings with whoever will listen.

1:45 p.m: Find old halloween costumes & old camp paraphernalia. Reminisce more.

2:49 p.m: Progress made: shoes organized. Pile featuring said costumes, shoebox of stuff, winter gear is becoming a community.

3:08 p.m: Closet officially abandonned.

So what's the moral of the story here? I am a MASTER PROCRASTINATOR, even/especially when it comes to my beloved closets. If I can at least manage to put all my purses back in their handy-dandy shelving unit, I'll consider today a SLIGHT success.

Up next: a listing of my own purses/accessories that I have deemed OUT OF STYLE. I will be giving those away at a first-come, first-serve basis. Believe me, precious kittens, you'll want in!

Stay stylish my pets!
xoxo

SOON TO BE PUBLISHED/Ditz is a "Writer"

A very good pal of mine is an editor for a SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN. I was asked to write a style/fashion article. Because I am a big baby and want everyone to read parts BEFORE it's published, here is an exerpt.

So without further ado...

Is everyone aware of the upcoming FABULOUSNESS COMING TO MONTREAL, in the name of Pierre Hardy for the Gap? Kittens, I don’t know about you, but I gave my phone number and name to the young man at the Gap to let me know when the Pierre Hardy shoes are making their appearance on St. Catherine. Rumour has it they were supposed to arrive by the end of March, but got holed up at the border. Seriously? Someone please tell me what the BORDER needs with thousands of pairs of shoes IN ASSORTED SIZES. According to my sources (1 salesman at the Gap on St. Catherine, and I’d trust him with my life), this collection of designer shoes sold out in Europe in fifteen (15) minutes. Not a shocker, considering how stylish our European neighbours are! If you take a trip in the way-back machine (my parents would be so proud that I’ve used the phrase twice in a span of 500 words), to when the Roberto Cavalli for H&M collection came to Rockland Shopping Center, THAT collection sold out in under 10 minutes. I didn’t make it there quick enough to even see a single advertisement in the store. This brings me to my latest love affair: high-end designers making low-end lines for international chains. As a self-proclaimed label-whore and shopaholic, I won’t deny the fact that I have checked out almost every high-end going low-end line possible. Can Montreal get a Target soon? That being said, 2008 marks the continuation of the latest fashion trend to hit the pavement: affordable high end clothing. Design houses finally figured it out. Fashion is best when it is accessible to every person on the wide spectrum of life. Everyone likes to feel trendy and stylish. For the next while, I’ll be sitting next to my phone until that guy from the Gap calls me. Nothing is going to come between me and my Pierre Hardys.


Believe it or not, it's all the truth. FYI: Gap is becoming SO fashion-forward. Be sure to check out all the amazing designer lines coming soon. Doo-Ri, Thakoon, Rodarte were last year's. 2008 brings 3.1 Phillip Lim, Band of Outsiders, Michael Bastian, Philip Crangi and threeASFOUR. Goodbye bank account! Can we just take a moment to discuss how I - of all people - have suddenly become a fashion "expert"? LOOKS LIKE Y'ALL WON'T BE MAKIN' FUN OF MY NECKERCHIEFS NO MORE. Sometimes, I wish I was a cowgirl. From Louisiana. With a subscription to Vogue, Bazaar, Elle, WWD and Vanity Fair. And every single trashy tabloid, especially the ones with glossy pages. I love glossy pages!

Anyways, my pets, stay stylish! xoxo

HOW TO WIN... at life.

And by life, I clearly mean shopping/outfit making.

As everyone knows, I have been terrorizing my parental units, most specifically, my mother (bless her heart), about an upcoming event that I need to be clothed for. What's that, you say? THE BAS-MISVAH.

Today's post concludes my eternal search for a complete outfit, complete with instructions on how to terrorize your parents (or whoever's footing your formal event clothing bill) and end up getting better things than you expected.


Step 1: Locate a really expensive- yet beautiful- dress at Holt Renfrew, 5 months prior to event. Gush about how beautiful it is, and how perfect it would be.

Step 2: Upon your mother informing you that 5 months in advance is silly, decide then and there that you will settle for no other dress except this one. Don't tell your mother you're thinking this. The art of being STUBBORN really kicks in right here.

Step 3: During the next 2-3 months, visit BCBG 10-15 times, and "unsuccessfully" find nothing suitable. Whine constantly about how that first dress you tried on was perfect, and how much you wish you'd bought it. At this stage, be sure to include how it WOULD'VE been on sale.

Step 4: Fall in love with a second dress, making sure that it is more expensive, more revealing and more flashy than the first one. Accept compliments from the old bags working in the store. Tell everyone you've never fallen in love with a dress before. Be convincing. Forget any other dress you've ever claimed to love. Put it on hold at the store to prove how SERIOUS YOU ARE THIS TIME.

Step 5: "Forget" how much this new dress costs, and make it seem like a reasonable purchase. Talk to father. Play up your Daddy's Little Girl status.

Step 6: Bring mother on an excursion to BCBG and Holt Renfrew. Try on everything she suggests. Try on anything you'd consider wearing. LOVE NOTHING YOU TRY, EXCEPT, for the one dress that mother HATES. Put more dresses on hold.

Step 7: ROADBLOCK. Parents remember BCBG dress purchased 1.5 years ago that was worn once. Try it on, realize that it's kind of okay, and mostly doable. Rethink entire strategy. Agree to alterations. Rethink strategy. Admit to a few dresses existing in current wardrobe that are totally acceptable. Leopard print is not an option.

Step 8: Force parents to at least agree to new shoes and new evening bag, despite the fact that current accessories closet doors sometimes don't close. Ignore the fact that you recently bought beautiful evening shoes. Research online. Locate potential shoes. Try to think of a good excuse why you need a Marc Jacobs bag and Christian Louboutins for the event. Rationalize to parents that they COULD HAVE spent $700+ on a dress AND shoes, but instead, are getting a GOOD DEAL by just buying new shoes and a bag. Emphasize the GOOD DEAL factor.

Step 9: Be nice, and buy the shoes your mother likes, but in the color you prefer. Locate a really expensive bag and a fairly reasonable bag that you like. Make sure one is ridiculously tacky (the cheaper one) and one is classically beautiful (the expensive bag). Agree to go into cheaper stores and look for potential options. Try to not like ANYTHING except the two you decided on prior to discussions. Show the expensive bag. Make sure lighting is perfect. Also, do this at the end of a long shopping trip, so mother is exhausted and wants to get everything over with. Discuss pros and cons. Cons should NOT EXIST. Gush over bag. Pretend to not be able to decide between that one, and an even MORE expensive similar one. Promise to split the costs. Thank parent a zillion times when she pays for it.

Step 10: Hide checkbook. Be careful to not discuss money or payment plans. Try to limit purchases for a while, or hide them in your trunk and sneak them in when parents are asleep.


So what's the moral of the story here? Sometimes, being a pain in the ass pays off. I ended up with a sickening pair of shoes, a gorgeous designer bag and a nice cocktail dress that'll be wearable after alterations. Looks like this ditz is smarter than she thought!


Stay stylish kittens! xoxo

WELCOME/COMING SOON

Hello friendly kittens!

Now that I have a name & a place, I just need to get my act together- obviously- and get this SHOW ON THE ROAD!

I am so proud to say that my fan base (I have a fan base? Seriously?) has been eagerly awaiting this, since I first mentioned this (about 24 seconds ago).

GET READY FOR SOME GLORIOUS DELICIOUSNESS MY PETS.

Let me take this opportunity to give credit where credit is deserved. This is a once in a lifetime happening. Remember it. A HUGE merci to Mr. H.C. for naming this beautiful place.

Up Next: Spring Closet Cleaning: A Timeline

xoxoxoxo