"I Didn't Pay $80 To Listen To Your Voice"

Around one week ago, I called up Prince and mentioned in passing how Bob Dylan was coming in town and it would be MAYBE nice to go see him, because it MIGHT be one of his last tours EVER. I didn’t think he actually listened to my ramblings until Tuesday, when he announced that he’d surprised me, and got us tickets.

What I failed to mention to Prince, was that I’m not the BIGGEST Dylan fan. In fact, I probably can NOT name more than 5 Dylan songs. He’s a cultural icon. I wanted to be able to say that I’d been there, even if it was for 4 minutes, before the man kicks the bucket. Needless to say, I was heavily disappointed when I found out the concert would not be 4 minutes long.

Prince and I went with high hopes. SERIOUSLY HIGH HOPES.

Prior to the show, while Prince & I waited for the show to start:

[Ditz:] “Hey, do you think there’s going to be a LIGHT SHOW?”

[Prince:] [Rolls eyes.] “No. I doubt it.”

[Ditz:] “What about PYROTECHNICS??”

Hey. When I go to a concert, I expect to be ENTERTAINED. I want a PACKAGE DEAL of everything that can be done in a two-hour span. LIKE THE SPICE GIRLS. OR CELINE DION. THEY use pyrotechnics. THEY have light shows!

Bob and his band were really SOMETHING ELSE. Bob pretty much had his profile – if not his BACK - to the audience for the vast majority of the show. Know why? Because if you catch him straight on, the man looks like an old grandmother. When he used his harmonica (CAN’T HE JUST HIRE SOMEONE TO DO THAT AT THIS POINT???), he practically needed his oxygen mask afterwards. He WAS BARELY ABLE TO SING.

I read the review of the concert in my local newspaper. Let’s not get into the bulk of his review. What I found rather curious is how he spoke so highly of the BAND.

THE BAND??? THE BAND IN HATS!

There were 2 guitarists, a bassist, a drummer and some IDIOT hiding in the back playing WEIRDO instruments. Apparently there was a costume/outfit motif, and Roy, the resident utility guy in the back, wasn’t included in the memo. The strings section was all wearing matching outfits and hats. The drummer was wearing a hat. BOB was even wearing a hat. And ROY? NO. NO HAT. He just had his hair done that afternoon. No hat was going to COVER THAT FANCY ‘DO UP.

Roy honestly provided ample entertainment for Prince and me, seeing as the show was REALLY NOT THAT GREAT. Roy kept changing instruments with each song. A table-harp thing. A guitar/bass. A violin. But it was pretty obvious that he really just didn’t belong. He looked like a failed wedding singer. Roy. Roy was off on most songs. Constantly leaning over and trying to see what everyone else was doing.

[Band hissing:] “HEY ROY. WHERE’S YOUR HAT?!”

He was MARGINALLY better than Manuelo, the dancing bassist, who managed to upstage EVERYONE with his pelvic-thrust dance moves. He must be REALLY TALENTED if he can manage PELVIC THRUSTS while PLAYING THE BASS. He wasn’t wearing sunglasses like the two guitarists, but Manuelo WAS wearing a bolo tie. Yes. A bolo tie.

The drummer was something else. While he WAS wearing a hat, he wasn’t in a fedora like the REST OF THE GANG. He’s a failed Goth-Rock-Emo band singer. And a part-time sushi chef. In case you were wondering.

While Prince and I were busy having the time of our lives discussing the band’s background, we were RUDELY INTERRUPTED by the UNLOVELY woman sitting in front of us.

“I DIDN’T PAY $80 TO LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE!”

No, you’re right. You paid $80 to watch a relic hang onto something that just IS NOT THERE anymore.

I texted Momma Ditz & Poppa Ditz during the show. I texted each of them separately, because I knew I’d get HILARIOUS responses from both of them.

[Ditz, via text:] Bob Dylan is a total relic.

[Momma Ditz, via text:] That’s why I don’t go!

[Poppa Ditz, via text:] He’s not a rock star

Prince and I walked out before the end of the show. It was just honestly THAT BAD. We didn’t even get to hear Bob address the audience and introduce his band. Whatever. We know them all anyways.

I was punished for this excursion. Prince wants to teach me that I can’t want to do EVERYTHING. During these times of recession, I need to be more selective about our methods of extra-curricular entertainment and/or activities. And truthfully, he’s right. I should not be abusing his discretional income during a recession. I SHOULD be more selective. Prince didn’t make me pay for both tickets. He didn’t make me pay for my ticket. He asked me to pay him for HALF the price of a ticket. I presented it to him, along with the review of the concert. He was really appreciative.

Oh, and by the way, I had skipped CLASS FOR THIS.