How To Look Klassy at a Wedding, Part 1

As part 1 of a 2-part series, (part 2 will follow in June, after a second wedding) I decided it's necessary to document HOW to look KLASSY at a wedding. This really is just backlash to my being mean and judgemental of other peoples' wardrobes. Seriously, everyone should just hire me to style them. Seriously. Note: this is how to look KLASSY for ladies. Men have it easy. Slap on a suit and tie. EASY.

1. Notice wedding is "Black Tie Optional". Ignore this.
2. Go to H&M, Limite, Axara and the like and buy a Lycra-spandex blend printed dress that is better suited A. over jeans and/or B. in a club.
3. Wear anything floral printed with multiple pieces.
4. Wear black pants and a stretchy casual top.
5. Wear a dress 5 times too small for you, causing inevitable BACK FAT HANGOVER.
6. If the wedding takes place in a synagogue sanctuary, don't cover your shoulders. God thinks you're hot.
7. Get your hair done at 7 a.m. It'll look amazing at 6 p.m. for cocktails.
8. Get your makeup done at 7 a.m. See above.
9. Wear open-toe casual orthopedic flats. Real KLASS.
10. Resurrect old bridesmaid dresses. Those are useful. Make sure you include your dyed-to-match shoes.
11. Wear leopard print.
12. Wear a gown that is reminiscent of Grad 1985.
13. In having a dress made, use fabric that looks like a garbage bag. Hot.
14. Have your dress altered JUST SO, making sure that it ends up being too tight the day of. THAT is KLASS.
15. Get wasted during cocktails and puke on your lap during speeches. Vomit is really sexy. I hear it's making a comeback.
16. Carry a small child on your hip. Always adds a certain je-ne-sais-quoi.
17. 2 words: Stretchy. Maternity.
18. 3 words: Visible. Panty. Lines.
19. 2 more words: Control. Top.
20. Wear a tiara. You're royalty IN YOUR OWN MIND.
21. If you have tattoos, make sure they're CLEARLY VISIBLE. Even the creepy ones near your crotch.
22. Front slits never went out of style. Whoever says front slits aren't stylish was LYING. Go cut slits in the front of any skirt you own. I don't care how short the skirt is.
23. Sparkly taffeta is a winner. Always. Make sure your shawl, dress, shoes and bag are all the same beautiful shade of bronze.
24. Did I mention flower printed chiffon outfits from 1978?
25. Because I was given permission: borrow awkward pieces from a friend, because you've lost too much weight for your own clothes and nothing fits. Make sure it's a tweedy jacket. Tweed is the new taffeta.

And with that, I give you the ultimate in looking klassy. I wore leopard print. My mother says I'm not allowed to wear that dress ever again. WHAT DOES SHE KNOW? For reals, my favorite out of that list is #6. I laugh to myself reading it. I would.

Lovepets, stay stylish! Stay KLASSY too!
xoxo