Ditz = Shopping Maniac

I should've never paid off my Visa bill. I should have NEVER let myself have a ZERO BALANCE on my Visa. I AM OUT OF CONTROL. In a completely functional way. Let me clarify: I am NOT in debt, I have a steady income, I don't overspend THAT MUCH. I would just rather have new shoes than go out for dinner.

So, in no particular order of importance, I give you my latest excursions.

Winners Alexis Nihon: my second home. I was meeting Top Kitten there, and arrived a solid 20 minutes before her, TO SCOUT. I am seriously ultimate friend. Because I know her size, I filled up a cart FULL of stuff for not only me, but her too. I am so nice. One hour, one dressing room excursion ("You can't bring a belt in here." "BUT I NEED TO SEE HOW IT LOOKS ACCESSORIZED. YOU CAN'T DENY ME ACCESSORIES.") and 6 pairs of POTENTIAL shoe purchases later, I ended up with ONE pair of shoes. Only. And this is coming from the girl who had 4-5 pairs of Betseys and a delicious pair of Kate Spades in her basket. Truth, the ONE pair I got was a pair that I'd been dreaming of for ages. I found those delicious Betsey Charline heels in HOT PINK. Like there was even the SLIGHTEST chance I was going to leave without them. COME ON.

Now, what you all were REALLY waiting for. Ditz visits Sephora, racks up a bill over $100. Shocker.

Let me start by saying I have a sick illness when it comes to Sephora. Since I first discovered its GLORY, I have been an absolute addict. It's not healthy. I won't buy cosmetics at drugstores or Wal-Mart anymore. Barely even nail polish. I used to be the kind of gal who could go into Pharmaprix on any day and come out with new cosmetics. SORRY. I AM WAYYY TOO GOOD FOR THAT NOW. I'm even debating giving up my love for MAC. That's still up in the air. ANYWAY, I went to the Fairview location (what, you thought I went to St Bruno?? NOT IN THIS LIFETIME), with a plaything, and she had to LEAVE ME THERE to finish her errands because I was taking so long. I will take this opportunity to say that I LOVE Sephora staff. They're not trying to push products on you. They just want you to be happy!


I walked in there with the intention of buying nothing. Okay, maybe 1 lipstick. I left with a bronzing moisturizer (Too Face, best marketing since Benefit), a new eyeliner (navy blue - Makeup For Ever), 2 new eye shadows (dark blue & champagney gold - Sephora label) and a new lipstick (coral-nude - Nars). I have a problem. I would seriously stop buying shoes if it meant that I could just buy tons of Sephora goodies. I love high end cosmetics. Almost as much as I love high end shoes, high end purses and high end cashmere. The real perk out of this- other than my giant bag of cosmetics- was that because I'm OBVIOUSLY a member of the Sephora Beauty Insider program (it's FREE for fuck's sake, just join), I got PRESENTS. A sample of Benetint (I already own it, in pocket-pal format, clearly) and a sample size of their triple action mascara (also already own it, see post about SATC movie). WHATEVER. THEY ARE USEFUL IN PURSE SIZE FORMATS!

Sephora owns my soul.

Ditz Visits Singles Night: Hilarity Ensues (among other things)

This is totally delayed. BUT STILL WORTH IT.

Last Thursday, one of my top playthings INSISTED I join him for what was supposed to be a young-adult BBQ. I found no problems with this. I love free food. I love eating. Let me take this opportunity to mention WHERE this BBQ was taking place. A SYNAGOGUE. That should've been my first clue. Truth: reason I was so willing to go was because I write kitschy little fashion articles (okay, I did ONCE) for their magazine/newsletter/bulletin, and I am hoping to take over the editor position and shmoooozing was necessary.

So, what exactly WAS this BBQ? A SINGLES EVENT. No joke. Yes, there was food. AND ALCOHOL. ONE case of beer and an older man pouring glasses of kosher wine. Amazing. Oh wait. I forgot. THIS WAS TOTALLY A RELIGIOUS SINGLES EVENT. Girls in pants count: 3. And that included me and the non-jews working in the kitchen. GREAT. (I wore my white jeans. I looked really trendy.) Thankfully, because of my pantalooned status, I was not hit on once. Yes, that IS a record low.

What really made this evening, not the food, not the crowd, not the people wearing name-tag stickers (I wanted one that says SINGLE in huge letters. Is that advertising too much?), was the fact that the girl who organized it was the RABBI'S DAUGHTER. Cool. No, that's not the punch line. The punch line is that we had to sit through a DVAR TORAH.

Better story: a religious guy sitting at my table asked my friend if all the people present were Jewish. He was obviously refering to the Goyish looking girl in PANTS AT HIS TABLE. OH RIGHT. ME.

The real upside of this soiree was that I got to hang out with long-lost pals from the past, promote this blog to NO END (shameless) and shmooze with the current and past presidents of the synagogue. Oh yeah. And I had not one, not two, BUT THREE HOT DOGS. I didn't know I was capable of that. I rock.

In other news, I recycled an outfit that Top Kitten told me DIDN'T MATCH. I THINK IT LOOKED HOT. Coral + asphalt grey are the new pink and black. Really. Wait, no. Not unless you're me.

My other news point is getting its own post. A Sephora visit merits that.

Excess (in) Baggage: A Poem

There once was a girl who was a little Ditz,
Most people thought she was silly,
She had an afinity for all things kitsch,
Even bags that were large and frilly.

She lived all her life in true excess,
So much you would not believe,
From shoes to purses, messes to talking,
Even parties and New Year's Eve.

Now, this little Ditz we speak of,
Unusual as you think she may be,
Will top herself like always,
That is a pure guarantee.

Within her (exceptionally) large purses,
A sub-society does reside,
Multiple mini bags take up space,
Next to an umbrella folded inside.

Not one, not two, but 4 mini bags,
The wallet made the dent in that number,
Notes, addresses, old tickets crumple,
Snacks aplenty, but never a cucumber.

A cell phone and an iPod,
The camera's a given,
Entourage is great for PR,
Even with that Jeremy Piven.

Right next to the notepad with matching pen,
Beside the makeup case and USB port,
A water bottle, giant car key rings and 3 peek a poohs,
Sits kleenex packs and things of that "sort".

Let's not forget all those lipglosses and pins,
Extras Ditz can't bear live without,
She'll likely lose her office pass shortly,
Near the bottom of the bag, no doubt!

The purse tips the scales at best, no doubt,
No wonder Ditz's back is achy,
To really clean out that bag and empty it out,
It needs someone who isn't flaky.

The moral of this poem, as we may wonder,
Ditz runs the gamut of inner purse things,
Everything she does is silly and in excess,
Especially when it comes to antique rings!

Whoreanus Vintage Styles

Prompted by a friendly kitten, I've decided to compile a listing of favorite vintage trends that we may or may not have been victimized to wearing in our youth (or last week).

These things should have NEVER EXISTED, but if you happen to own any of them, go ahead and send samples to me. I'd like to be the first to resurrect terrible trends.

• NoBox and/or Palladiums. These shoes likely single handedly caused global warming. Anyone who still wears them should be shot in the foot.
• The Miss Sixty jeans with the snaps up the side OR the ones with the zipper up the back of the leg. Stop wearing these. Really.
• Bike shorts. You know what? We predict Lululemon will bring these suckers back in style. I hope Lulu is brave enough to make them with neon piping. Neon makes all the difference.
• Stirrup leggings. I bet these would look extra sexy over heels. Just as sexy as wearing wrist guards downtown.
• Crop tops. I don't care how flat your abs are. Nobody wants to see your navel. Worse: when your midsection is flabulous. NOT SEXY. MUFFIN TOP IS NOT HOT.
• Full sequin dresses. Now, I know I'll get A TON of slack for this, but hear me out. I don't care how expensive it was. I don't care how NICE it is. YOU ARE NOT A VEGAS SHOWGIRL. WE DO NOT LIVE IN VEGAS. AND WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR SEQUIN DRESS THAT IS NOT IN VEGAS MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT STAY IN VEGAS. Stick to something klassy.
• Modrobes. Ugh. Remember those? I had a "normal" blue pair, and a fluorescent yellow pair. I thought I was the coolest cat ever. That was until a friend of mine at the time got BABY PINK FLEECE ONES. SHAPELESS, FLEECE, BAGGY. No, no, no.
• Fornarinas. Okay, so I am PLENTY aware that their lines lately have been fantastic. I know. I shop enough. WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THE NEW LINES. Remember the old ones? They were around the same time as NOBOX. Running shoes with platforms. So sexy.
• Overalls, both tight slutty ones and oversize denim ones. WHY?? You are not 5. Urination is not fun.
• Lumberjack jackets. I don't care how cold it is. DO YOU WORK IN A LUMBER YARD? (Is that even what you call it?? Like I know.)
• Doc Martins. Enough said. I think I had a purple leather pair. That, or I was insanely jealous of someone who had them.
• Space FB misfit skintight sweatsuits. These were so cool. Momma Ditz used to describe that store's sizing range as "Q-Tip to Toothpick". WHO WEARS XXXXXS?! Go shop at Gap Kids.
• Big horrible Roots sweatpants WITH the stupid pocket hanging out.
• In light of the Miss Sixty jeans, also, those horrid Silver jeans that were pinstriped. Sexy. NOT.
• I was urged to put this, but I slightly disagree. Snap bodysuits. I love bodysuits. This is just because NOBODY ELSE DOES, and I can acknowledge that they are NOT mainstream.
• Denim blouses, tucked into denim pants, worn under a denim jacket. Like this needs further explanation.
• Torn denim shorts. WHY INTENTIONALLY TEAR YOUR SHORTS?! In addition to this, I will add torn jeans. JUST THROW THEM OUT.
• Crocs. I really just don't like them. They are SQUISHY.
• Jelly sandals. I had a sparkly blue pair with heels. I got them in grade 6 and thought I was so sexy. What's wrong with them? WHAT ISN'T? 3 words: PLASTIC. SWEATY. FEET.
• Animal print skirts. JUST WEAR EVERYTHING ANIMAL PRINT. Aside from my leopard dress, I still believe animal print belongs on accessories only.
• Anything satin. Blech.
• Baby tees, similar to crop tops. IT'S NOT 1993. Go lock up your thigh high tights with your baby tees. NOT COMING BACK IN STYLE LADIES. NEVER.
• Babydoll tops, babydoll dresses. Fine, I admittedly wear a bunch of these, BUT ONLY ON DAYS WHERE I WANT TO EAT ALOT. Babydoll things make you look pregnant, so unless you're pregnant or want to be MISTAKEN for someone who IS, leave these for the maternity stores.
• Legwarmers. I didn't know that you're a dance instructor. I didn't know you're auditioning for the remake of Flashdance. Oh, you're not? THEN TAKE OFF THOSE STUPID LEGWARMERS.
• Clear plastic bra straps. JUST INVEST IN A GOOD STRAPLESS. We can see the clear straps. They look just as bad if not WORSE than visible straps. I also hate ones with jewels on them.
• SKORTS. Now, I have no problem with skirts that have shorts built in inside. Those are passably okay if you're playing a sport. I'm talking shorts with the awkward PANEL in the front. NOT CUTE. Is it a skirt? Is it shorts? PICK ONE.
• Dresses over pants. I repeat: PICK ONE.
• Leather pants. Unforgiving, and once you take them off to pee, you can't get them back on. WHY EVEN BOTHER?
• Sweatshirts, tops tied around your waist. Oh, you think they camouflage? SURPRISE. THEY DON'T.

I feel like I can go on and on. I opt to stop here, my sweet kittens. I hope none of you take offense if you've committed any of these sins lately. My precious apologies.

We may have a part 2 in the wings.

Stay Stylish!
xoxo

Seriously, There's Something Wrong With Me

First of all, I am addicted to my newest toy. An ipod touch. I CAN BLOG FROM IT. I won't, because typing is WAY TOO ANNOYING, BUT STILL. IF I WANTED TO, I COULD! Do you know what it does? EVERYTHING THE IPHONE DOES, LESS BE A PHONE AND/OR TAKE PICTURES.

I really just wrote that to piss off one of my kittens. She knows who she is.

So, what's wrong with me? Let's not talk about what time I went to sleep last night, because I was too busy uploading pictures and playing with said ipod.

What ELSE is wrong with me? I couldn't find my work pass/ID card. I RANSACKED every single purse I recall using in the past week. NOTHING. That was when I remembered how off I am. Last time I couldn't find my pass, I'd left it attached to a pair of jeans. So, where was it this time? STILL ON THE LEOPARD PRINT BELT I WORE ON FRIDAY.

I really need a personal elf to follow me around and remind me where my things are.

AND BY THE WAY, tonight is Miss Kiddo's elementary school GRADUATION. My baby is not a baby anymore.

Lobster, Lobster Tan

Obviously I traded a Holts visit for multiple walks outside.

What did I gain out of this trade? A SUNBURN. I never learn. I am potentially the stubbornest mule EVER. If it doesn't turn into the most glorious tan, I will GO BACK TO BRONZAGE.

AND YES, MY PETS, THAT IS A THREAT.

By the way, my ipod docking station is the best ever. Now I just need to get a new ipod...

My Friend Tells Me I'm Clairvoyant

But we don't have to get into THAT story now.

See last post about how Friday the 13th is fun? THE GODS PUNISHED ME FOR SAYING THAT. In an ultimate screw-you-Ditzie moment, I realized, Friday evening at 8 p.m., that I'd LEFT MY WALLET IN MY DESK AT THE OFFICE. Luckily, after a dozen or so frantic phone calls across the board, I was able to get back in the office to retrieve said wallet. That really sobered me up.

I went slight shopping yesterday afternoon. I FINALLY got my snake sandals from Browns. Sometimes, I think I'm Cleopatra. The Browns downtown just really isn't as glorious as the one in Rockland. Rockland gets Louboutin and Marc. DOWNTOWN GETS PARIS HILTON. I also got a pair of white jeans. Really REALLY out of character. I pray I don't sit on chocolate, cranberries or spill grape juice on them. Tomato sauce & ketchup are likely going to be the first major stains. Grass too.

Today I am scheduled to embark on a journey to Holts. I clearly got lazy and didn't go yesterday. I am going to need 3 apple babas for the road though.

AND ANOTHER THING (Again) (As Usual)

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH.

BEST DAY EVER.

Also, St. Hubert is klassy with their 8 person square table. It makes for special evenings and klassy affairs. Obviously.

AND BY THE WAY, some bad news - really only bad for me - my beloved peacock clip keeps snapping. Like breaking-snapping. I am one UNHAPPY KITTEN.

Good thing I had a cuisse last night AND A VOLCAN. Those are some of the few things that can really just shut me up and take my mind off of broken peacocks.

Story Time

Once upon a time, a little Ditz got a phone call at her place of employment from her Matriarch. Momma Ditz is a pretty good shopper, and Momma Ditz likes to get presents for her Little Ditz and Ditz-siblings.

Here is the dialogue:

MD: I am at Winners [obviously], and they have IPOD CASES on sale. Do you want one?

LD: No, what do I need a stupid case for? What do they look like?

MD: I have your brother on the other line, I'll speak to you later.

[CLICK]

Now, before we continue on this journey, let's recap the facts:

• Mother hung up on Ditz.
• Brother Bear is clearly more important.
• Mother is buying Ipod CASES.
• CASES FOR IPODS = STUPID FABRIC BAGS FOR IPODS = USELESS GALORE.

Flash forward a few hours.

Ditz goes home and enters her kitchen. What does she see? 2 IPOD DOCKING STATIONS on the kitchen table.

Momma Ditz comes home with Brother Bear not too far behind.

LD: WHO ARE THESE DOCKING STATIONS FOR?

MD: Brother Bear and Kiddo. You said you didn't want a case.

LD: THIS ISN'T A CASE, THIS IS A DOCKING STATION. I NEED ONE OF THESE.

In brief summary of the aftermath: Ditz whined. Momma offered to go back and fetch another one. Brother Bear informed that Kiddo can use her karaoke machine as speakers. Kiddo wasn't home yet, so Ditz snuck docking station into her room before Kiddo could see it existed. Ditz got a docking station. Ditz wins.

Moral(s) of the story: Momma Ditz doesn't know the difference between a case and a docking station. Ditz wins at life. As usual.

Things That Are Good

As per usual, here's a list of things that I think are good. Today.

• OOOOOatmeal of the apple cinnamon variety, but only because I can't eyeball portions and it was a watery soggy mess for a good 25 minutes before it settled.
• Oreo Cakesters. So what if they have 6302 calories?? THEY TASTE LIKE DELICIOUS TWINKIES, and I LOVE Twinkies.
• Friendly American Apparel workerbees who give me 50% off without telling me.
• The American Apparel Pencil Bandeau dress. Love it.
• Above dress worn as a high-waisted pencil skirt. I am the sluttiest secretary this side of the border. With nice legs.
• Joshua Nelson & The Kosher Gospel Singers. Enough said.
• Sneaky cookies in desk drawers. Mine, obviously.
• Ketchup - not over it.
• Those retractable lead pencil thingys from my youth, and stealing them from other people.
• Lootbags, fake birthdays, crayons and the glorious St. Hubert. (Restaurant, not street)
• CUISSES.
• Sunshine & this delicious heat wave.
• Special kittens who keep HEATERS UNDER THEIR DESK that warm my icy cold legs.
• Other special kittens that keep me in stitches with fun emails all day long.
• People of the Reptilian culture, and possibilities of lizard shoes.
• Potentials for visits to Holts this weekend, because shocker, it's not just ME who "needs" things there, I have actual ERRANDS to do! And yes, one of those errands is buy myself presents.
• Fully paid off Visa cards, which translate to FUN SHOPPING WEEKEND.
• Matriarchs who MIGHT give in to buying special Ditzes a new dress for an upcoming wedding. YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE DIDN'T GET ME ONE FOR THE BAS-MISVAH. SHE OWES ME A COCKTAIL DRESS.

I am such a brat sometimes.

You know you love me.

Something Laugh-Worthy

Remember how I missed Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day? Remember how we thought I'd learn my lesson and do research before leaving the house?

CLEARLY I DIDN'T TAKE MY OWN ADVICE. SHOCKER.

2 weeks ago, Montreal was blessed/cursed as per usual with the Beer Festival. I went with a friendly pet on Wednesday evening, opening night. We showed up at 10:24 p.m. Guess what time it closed? 10 P.M. SHOCKER.

I must've stepped in at least 2 urine puddles and 1 vomit puddle. Delicious.

What's the moral of this story? I need to find out what time things close before leaving my house. I NEVER LEARN.

AND ANOTHER THING

Good news (for me, not for anyone else really):

I figured out a way to get the PEACOCK IN MY HAIR. Obviously!


Also, did anyone notice how Carrie wore a BIRD in her hair to marry Big (first wedding, Vivienne Westwood gown)? SHE SO STOLE THAT FROM ME.

Right. In my imagination, that is the case. Clearly. I love being a delusional little kitten.

ALSO, a large scale congratulations to my precious kittens on my softball team. WHAT A WIN LAST NIGHT GIRLS! I was a proud momma hen. Still am. Next up: actually practicing my batting so I can ACTUALLY PLAY. After my summer class is over, OBVIOUSLY!

I NEVER Ask For Permission

And I MAY have to remove this post.

A friendly kitten that I've known for a very VERY long time posted this glorious cover on youtube. I am so in awe that I've decided to share it with everyone.

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=gZfb0_ihYpM

I hope she takes this as the sincerest form of flattery.

GO WATCH KITTENS. It's total perfection.

How To Maximize on Weekend Festivities

I was fortunate enough to spend 24 hours up north chilling like a cucumber at my friendly kitten's parents' country house [cottage to all you creepy Americans]. The following is a listing of all the items needed - in no particular order - to maximize on FUN while up north:

1. Bananagrams, the game. Haven't heard of it? Look it up. It's Scrabble, BUT BETTER.
2. Giant 1.5L of Gallo White Zinfandel. It's always a party when you have a GIGANTIC bottle of vino.
3. Party rafts, mothers who fall off party rafts fully clothed.
4. Lounge chairs.
5. Ambitious textbooks & laptops to do schoolwork.
6. Lovely shedding dogs who chew on branches and are always ready to fetch something from the lake.
7. Canoes & the art of canoeing. Did you know I can canoe? Seriously. I'm not just shoes & snacks! I love a good canoe and/or kayak.
8. The art of being well-fed by Jewish mothers.
9. Giant king-sized beds for giant sleepovers.
10. A freezing cold lake that makes your limbs numb.
11. Friends who get sunburned in peculiar places.
12. Pit stops on the way there (3) and on the way back (2).
13. Apple Babas for the drive up.
14. Not caring about Grand Prix and/or Grand Prix festivities.
15. Late-night walks that end in late-night parental lectures.
16. Parents that wish they joined in on late-night shenanigans.
17. An unlit bonfire pit to sit by.
18. French toast that induces unfortunate results.
19. Pleasantly adult 6 year olds who like to discuss which teen celebrity is their favorite. Miley Cyrus & Jonas Brothers always win. So does Rihanna.
20. Cocktail Hour.
21. Stars & constellations.
22. Deep talks & secret sharing. NOT LIKE I HAVE ANY SECRETS ANYMORE.
23. Fun giant baskets of FUN COSMETIC SAMPLES for showertime.
24. Giraffes for snuggling.

Seriously, I need to get out of the city more often.

In addition, I would like to mention that the Winners in St. Jerome is a colossal waste of time. If you were ever curious, don't be. WASTE OF SPACE. Survey says: should've stopped at Surplus in St. Sauveur.

Nutritional Tips... From a Certified Ditz

Because I have the best eating habits in the entire world, I decided that it's necessary to document some nutritional tips that I've been picking up along the way.

In a series of infinite numbers, I bring you, with all due respect, "How To Be Healthy in the Workplace":

• Bring ambitious snacks to nosh on throughout the day, i.e. "low fat" cheeses with crackers, yogurt that can be considered pudding, cooked & salted soybeans.
• Get Tim Horton's as often as possible. White toast with butter is nutritious, as is a side order of their new hash browns (tastes like spicy latkas) and their ultimately delicious Timatin sandwich.
• Instead of ordering a normal coffee or tea, get a French Vanilla. Everything tastes better with French Vanilla.
• If it's en route to the office, stop by Starbucks and get an Apple Baba. Just do it. Don't ask questions. A highly unfattening Green Tea Latte is an excellent companion, as is a Passionfruit tea Lemonade. Seriously.
• Any sort of chocolate-based danish is really healthy. Chocolate is an energy booster.
• Speaking of energy boosters, the best follow-up to a coffee is a Redbull. Sugar-free, of course!
• Instead of ordering/bringing healthy lunches, order in large sandwiches with large bags of fries. Fries are made from potatoes, which are vegetables, which means they're healthy. Great logic.
• Ketchup is the condiment of the gods. Remember that. Everything tastes better with ketchup.
• Same goes for mayonnaise.
• If, by fluke, you are asked to eat a healthy raw vegan lunch, counteract the health factor by getting McDonald's drive-thru later. Cheeseburgers really fix everything.
• If you decide to be "healthy" and have a salad, at least make it caesar. Creamy dressing and tasty bacon bits are the best choice.
• Counteract any salad with a side order of fries.
• Diet Coke is the beverage of the gods. Right after Redbull, of course.
• Stinky, buttery popcorn is the ultimate snack. If you're so lucky as to have a popcorn machine in your office (a microwave just isn't as effective), take advantage of it. ALL THE TIME.
• Vending machines are god. Especially if they have Ringolos.
• 1 word that is considered its own food group: POUTINE.

I have excellent eating habits. It's no wonder that none of my jeans fit me these days!

Again, Should Probably NOT Be Mentioning This...

Another truth from the peanut gallery.

Fact: my beloved chandelier in my room (that's right. I have a chandelier. Don't you??) has 13 lightbulbs in it.

Fact: the bulbs rarely last more than 2 weeks.

Truth: this instant, only 3/13 work. Yes. I am living in the DARK.

WHO NEEDS A SEXY DIMMER WHEN YOU HAVE LIGHTBULBS WITH A SHORT LIFE??

And yes, everyone needs a chandelier in their bedroom. I wonder if my parental units will let me rip it out of the ceiling when I move out. PROBABLY NOT.