Whoreanus Vintage Styles

Prompted by a friendly kitten, I've decided to compile a listing of favorite vintage trends that we may or may not have been victimized to wearing in our youth (or last week).

These things should have NEVER EXISTED, but if you happen to own any of them, go ahead and send samples to me. I'd like to be the first to resurrect terrible trends.

• NoBox and/or Palladiums. These shoes likely single handedly caused global warming. Anyone who still wears them should be shot in the foot.
• The Miss Sixty jeans with the snaps up the side OR the ones with the zipper up the back of the leg. Stop wearing these. Really.
• Bike shorts. You know what? We predict Lululemon will bring these suckers back in style. I hope Lulu is brave enough to make them with neon piping. Neon makes all the difference.
• Stirrup leggings. I bet these would look extra sexy over heels. Just as sexy as wearing wrist guards downtown.
• Crop tops. I don't care how flat your abs are. Nobody wants to see your navel. Worse: when your midsection is flabulous. NOT SEXY. MUFFIN TOP IS NOT HOT.
• Full sequin dresses. Now, I know I'll get A TON of slack for this, but hear me out. I don't care how expensive it was. I don't care how NICE it is. YOU ARE NOT A VEGAS SHOWGIRL. WE DO NOT LIVE IN VEGAS. AND WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR SEQUIN DRESS THAT IS NOT IN VEGAS MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT STAY IN VEGAS. Stick to something klassy.
• Modrobes. Ugh. Remember those? I had a "normal" blue pair, and a fluorescent yellow pair. I thought I was the coolest cat ever. That was until a friend of mine at the time got BABY PINK FLEECE ONES. SHAPELESS, FLEECE, BAGGY. No, no, no.
• Fornarinas. Okay, so I am PLENTY aware that their lines lately have been fantastic. I know. I shop enough. WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THE NEW LINES. Remember the old ones? They were around the same time as NOBOX. Running shoes with platforms. So sexy.
• Overalls, both tight slutty ones and oversize denim ones. WHY?? You are not 5. Urination is not fun.
• Lumberjack jackets. I don't care how cold it is. DO YOU WORK IN A LUMBER YARD? (Is that even what you call it?? Like I know.)
• Doc Martins. Enough said. I think I had a purple leather pair. That, or I was insanely jealous of someone who had them.
• Space FB misfit skintight sweatsuits. These were so cool. Momma Ditz used to describe that store's sizing range as "Q-Tip to Toothpick". WHO WEARS XXXXXS?! Go shop at Gap Kids.
• Big horrible Roots sweatpants WITH the stupid pocket hanging out.
• In light of the Miss Sixty jeans, also, those horrid Silver jeans that were pinstriped. Sexy. NOT.
• I was urged to put this, but I slightly disagree. Snap bodysuits. I love bodysuits. This is just because NOBODY ELSE DOES, and I can acknowledge that they are NOT mainstream.
• Denim blouses, tucked into denim pants, worn under a denim jacket. Like this needs further explanation.
• Torn denim shorts. WHY INTENTIONALLY TEAR YOUR SHORTS?! In addition to this, I will add torn jeans. JUST THROW THEM OUT.
• Crocs. I really just don't like them. They are SQUISHY.
• Jelly sandals. I had a sparkly blue pair with heels. I got them in grade 6 and thought I was so sexy. What's wrong with them? WHAT ISN'T? 3 words: PLASTIC. SWEATY. FEET.
• Animal print skirts. JUST WEAR EVERYTHING ANIMAL PRINT. Aside from my leopard dress, I still believe animal print belongs on accessories only.
• Anything satin. Blech.
• Baby tees, similar to crop tops. IT'S NOT 1993. Go lock up your thigh high tights with your baby tees. NOT COMING BACK IN STYLE LADIES. NEVER.
• Babydoll tops, babydoll dresses. Fine, I admittedly wear a bunch of these, BUT ONLY ON DAYS WHERE I WANT TO EAT ALOT. Babydoll things make you look pregnant, so unless you're pregnant or want to be MISTAKEN for someone who IS, leave these for the maternity stores.
• Legwarmers. I didn't know that you're a dance instructor. I didn't know you're auditioning for the remake of Flashdance. Oh, you're not? THEN TAKE OFF THOSE STUPID LEGWARMERS.
• Clear plastic bra straps. JUST INVEST IN A GOOD STRAPLESS. We can see the clear straps. They look just as bad if not WORSE than visible straps. I also hate ones with jewels on them.
• SKORTS. Now, I have no problem with skirts that have shorts built in inside. Those are passably okay if you're playing a sport. I'm talking shorts with the awkward PANEL in the front. NOT CUTE. Is it a skirt? Is it shorts? PICK ONE.
• Dresses over pants. I repeat: PICK ONE.
• Leather pants. Unforgiving, and once you take them off to pee, you can't get them back on. WHY EVEN BOTHER?
• Sweatshirts, tops tied around your waist. Oh, you think they camouflage? SURPRISE. THEY DON'T.

I feel like I can go on and on. I opt to stop here, my sweet kittens. I hope none of you take offense if you've committed any of these sins lately. My precious apologies.

We may have a part 2 in the wings.

Stay Stylish!
xoxo