Nutritional Tips... From a Certified Ditz

Because I have the best eating habits in the entire world, I decided that it's necessary to document some nutritional tips that I've been picking up along the way.

In a series of infinite numbers, I bring you, with all due respect, "How To Be Healthy in the Workplace":

• Bring ambitious snacks to nosh on throughout the day, i.e. "low fat" cheeses with crackers, yogurt that can be considered pudding, cooked & salted soybeans.
• Get Tim Horton's as often as possible. White toast with butter is nutritious, as is a side order of their new hash browns (tastes like spicy latkas) and their ultimately delicious Timatin sandwich.
• Instead of ordering a normal coffee or tea, get a French Vanilla. Everything tastes better with French Vanilla.
• If it's en route to the office, stop by Starbucks and get an Apple Baba. Just do it. Don't ask questions. A highly unfattening Green Tea Latte is an excellent companion, as is a Passionfruit tea Lemonade. Seriously.
• Any sort of chocolate-based danish is really healthy. Chocolate is an energy booster.
• Speaking of energy boosters, the best follow-up to a coffee is a Redbull. Sugar-free, of course!
• Instead of ordering/bringing healthy lunches, order in large sandwiches with large bags of fries. Fries are made from potatoes, which are vegetables, which means they're healthy. Great logic.
• Ketchup is the condiment of the gods. Remember that. Everything tastes better with ketchup.
• Same goes for mayonnaise.
• If, by fluke, you are asked to eat a healthy raw vegan lunch, counteract the health factor by getting McDonald's drive-thru later. Cheeseburgers really fix everything.
• If you decide to be "healthy" and have a salad, at least make it caesar. Creamy dressing and tasty bacon bits are the best choice.
• Counteract any salad with a side order of fries.
• Diet Coke is the beverage of the gods. Right after Redbull, of course.
• Stinky, buttery popcorn is the ultimate snack. If you're so lucky as to have a popcorn machine in your office (a microwave just isn't as effective), take advantage of it. ALL THE TIME.
• Vending machines are god. Especially if they have Ringolos.
• 1 word that is considered its own food group: POUTINE.

I have excellent eating habits. It's no wonder that none of my jeans fit me these days!