Topics of Discussion

OR

Assorted topics that I need to cover.

Tell me it's a waste of an entry, but I think I need to post a list of things I have to discuss. I've been out of commission for a week [and 2-3 days] and I naturally do NOT WANT TO MISS ANYTHING. Also, I know you all sometimes like to see what's coming, before you read, n'est-ce-pas?

• Travel, TravelDitz Visits the Maritimes: Hilarity Ensues.
• Miss Ditz Gets Intimate with Asphalt: HILARITY DOES NOT ENSUE.
• EXCITEMENT News/Ditz = REAL PERSON
• Notes on Disappointments
• InspiraDitz
• How To Be Inappropriate, ALL THE TIME

Wow. I like when I give myself PLENTY OF WORK TO DO. You know what? That's my own punishment. This is what I get for not keeping up-to-date and for being a LAZY PARASITE. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR CHOOSING SLEEP OVER BLOGGING.

I am patting myself REALLY HARD on the back now. Really, really hard. And by patting, I mean smacking. And by on the back, I mean MY HEAD.

Get ready...

And hey, by the way, did you all notice I never posted that catalogue of all the spring/summer clothing I wanted? I just realized that now. Maybe I'll do it for Fall. MAYBE I'LL GET TOO LAZY AGAIN. I'd right now do the contents of my cosmetic bag, BUT I LEFT THE ONE WITH THE GOOD/FUN STUFF AT THE OFFICE. (Fiery Bee? Top Honey Bee? One of you take it into custody until I return from my CSST break...) And yes, naturally I have MULTIPLE cosmetic bags. Have we met yet??

ALSO: before I embark onto Bloggsville, Population: Ditz, let me just take this opportunity to send glorious regards to kitten readers ON AN INTERNATIONAL LEVEL. GREETINGS KITTENS IN U.S.A., IRELAND, NORWAY, GERMANY, ROMANIA, AUSTRALIA AND THE U.K. And obviously, Bonjour to my pets all across Canada. Sweet kittens, this is no joke. Ditz is going INTERNATIONAL.

God. Even on days where I hate life, I can't manage to stay angry at life when I know that my KITTENS around the world are playing in my playground! You are all my top bananas. Except for those of you who are rotten. Get out of my FRUIT SALAD.

Onto the next!

Guilty Pleasures

Let's talk. I haven't made a list in like 12 minutes.

Instead of my usual "I like this"/"I don't like that" garbage, today, I bring you a list of my TOP Guilty Pleasures, in no particular order.

• Meatloaf, the singer, not the food. A friendly top pet was kind enough to buy me the BAT OUT OF HELL CD. Seriously, "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" IS A 12 MINUTE EXTENDED VERSION. WITH AMAZING NEW LYRICS. AND EXTRA VERSES IN THE FEMALE VOCALIST PART. Admittedly, I haven't gotten past track 1. I don't think I intend on it. I do intend, however, to learn ALL the lyrics for the verses that I am not familiar with. I enjoy a good ROCK OUT session in my car.


• The Miss Universe pageant, and/or beauty pageants in general. Top Kitten and I were SURPRISED with this GEM on TV Sunday night. Jerry Springer and MEL B hosted. We kept score. Throughout every round. We picked our favorites, and saw which of our picks made it through. Miss USA took a spill. She would. South America produces more beauty queens than McDonald's produces heart attacks. Venezuela won, but Colombia should've. Kosovo should have NEVER made it to the top 10. She looked like a TRANNY.


• White Castle burgers. I know we don't have them here, but I was at some BIRTHDAY festivities that included those on the menu. Apparently you can get them frozen in Plattsburgh. ROAD. TRIP. They are delicious morsels of heaven. I love meat and cheese. Obviously I don't love Kashrut.


• Quiet Roar = HEAVEN. 2 NIGHTS IN A ROW. They are the best band ever. Even when they don't play me LOVE GENERATION. Still love them.


• Costco sample time is seriously so underrated. WHERE ELSE ON EARTH can you have bite-size morsels of ASSORTED deliciousnesses?? Limit 1 per customer? I THINK NOT. I hovered around the pasta section until they stopped cooking. I missed the seasoned pork. Do people actually buy the things they taste? Did I? NOPE.
  
• Fun party games, in the form of "Which Would You Rather?" and/or "Fuck/Marry/Kill". Seriously, I would choose a hearty round of FMK over Bananagrams, and that says ALOT. I enjoy making choices that NOBODY wants. One is worse than the other. Like which would you rather: explosive diarrhea for the rest of your life OR drink a gallon of drano? I PICK BOTH.
  
• Cheeseburgers with floats. I am really NOT KOSHER. Nothing says delish like bathing your meat in its mother's milk. NOTHING.
  
• And last, but certainly not the least, Miley Cyrus. I hate her. But really, I love her. THERE. YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING.

Now go eat a snack.

On Hair

I must say that going to the hairdresser is such a pleasant experience. USUALLY. It took me a solid 20+ years to find someone who doesn't hack off all my hair and laugh and/or unevenly cut my hair and then tell me the next time she sees me that my hair is crooked [IDIOT, YOU CUT IT. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SHODDY CUT].

I love the salon I go to, I ADORE my stylist.

What's the problem? Yes, there's always a problem.

I had someone different - potentially new - wash my hair. I love the hair-washing experience. USUALLY. I love a good scalp rubdown. This girl (I really shouldn't have tipped her) DUG HER FINGERS INTO MY SCALP. Like I was in serious PAIN. CHRIST, I HAVE A MODERATE HEADACHE NOW BECAUSE OF HER. I couldn't say anything because I was mostly asleep (until she jerked my head and dropped it on the ceramic sink) and I feel like this is her TECHNIQUE. I didn't want to offend her and be at the mercy of VENGEFUL FINGERED HAIR WASHING GIRL. She's type of girl who'd JAB HER FINGERS INTO MY EYES, just for fun.

START LOOKIN' FOR A NEW JOB, SISTER.

The worst part is that the entire time she was DIGGING HER FINGERS into my head, I was thinking how much I want to blog about this.

Ditz Enters 21st Century: MAZAL TOVS ALL AROUND

First of all, let me begin by saying that contrary to popular belief, I am neither technologically retarded nor technologically brilliant. I range somewhere in the middle. Like really smack in the middle. I usually can figure things out in ample time. I can read directions. I AM, after all, mostly literate.

I will say this, though. I was really FIRMLY against getting an earpiece. I think they make you look like extras from Star Trek, and no, not in the good way. I can't stand when I'm out and I THINK someone is talking to me BUT THEY ARE NOT. THEY ARE YAPPING INTO THEIR MAGICAL EARPIECES.

[Tangent: I am 6 years old. I just picked off all the offensive vegetables on a piece of vegetarian pizza. I am left with mushrooms and small islands of cheese. Delish.]

ANYWAY, back on track.

I finally bought a bluetooth earpiece for my stupid phone. NOT ONLY THAT, but I figured out how to set it up. Yes. I used the pretty colorful idiot-friendly step-by-step instructions. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. I GOT IT TO WORK. THAT is the point.

You know what was my incentive to finally get off my rump roast and buy it? $115 ticket & 3 demerits. No. I didn't get one, THANK LORD. I just heard what the consequence is.

Let's just pray I actually use it. Watch me fall in love with it. HANDSFREE TALKING WHILE SHOPPING. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT SOONER?!

Stupid Ditz.

An Open Letter From Ditz's Chandelier

Dear Ditz,

Listen you. We need to have a major chat. What is your problem with changing lightbulbs? We KNOW it's not an environmental thing. I mean, COME ON. You fall asleep 4/7 nights a week with your SMALL LAMPS on. You don't care about electricity. You're just a lazy parasite. We know.

Let's just recap the past few months with you. You've been sitting in a barely lit room for at least 3 months. 3/13 lightbulbs were working. Last weekend, the number went down to 2. We're trying to prove a point here, Ditz. YOU CAN'T LIVE IN THE DARKNESS FOREVER. We decided to be nice. We decided to re-ignite one of the bulbs so you'd be back to 3. BUT DID YOU LEARN? NO. STILL DIDN'T CHANGE OUR BULBS.

We know you. We know you'd have kept this up until you had one functioning bulb left. Thankfully, your father loves you and worries that you keep walking into your bed. He also worries that you won't be able to find your glasses when you take your contacts out. That's a completely separate story. THANKFULLY, he changed ALL of the bulbs last night.

We also know how much your eyes hurt because you're not used to such bright lights. By the way, how's your headache?

That's why we decided to let 3 bulbs burn out this morning. Now you're back down to 10.

Sucks to be you, Miss Ditz. TOUGH LIFE.

Love,
Your Chandelier

FUN FACTOID

Fun Fact:

I installed Google Analytics on my blog. Yes, I figured out how to program it. I took Java programming, okay? I'm not JUST shoes and shopping and whining.

FunnER Fact:

Since installation, I have been able to track countries where my visitors reside. Google doesn't lie. I have had one visitor each from ROMANIA and NORWAY.

So, with that, I send a large HELLOOOO to my friendly Romanian & Norwegian readers.

An Open Letter (ANOTHER ONE?) To Winners

Dear Winners,

Let's talk. You know I am your biggest fan ever. You KNOW I have a problem with this new RUNWAY section you put in. You KNOW I can't walk out of your stores without at least 1 pair of Betsey Johnson shoes and/or J Brands [yes. I find J Brands at Winners.]. I EVEN know which Winnerses (it's now a double plural word. Deal with it) are good and which are bad. Listen to me, and you listen to me clearly.

I have some problems with your stores.

In no particular order:

• NO ACCESSORIES IN THE FITTING ROOM. What is UP with THAT? I can't see how that top will look in real life if I can't bring a belt inside. I can't see how long the jeans are without a pair of shoes. NOT NICE. What do you think I'm going to do? STEAL A $4.99 BELT? COME ON.
• Anti-theft tags - those HUGE plastic ones - in the most INOPPORTUNE places, i.e. waistbands on jeans/pants, digging into the back of a dress. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO PUT THEM SOMEWHERE NON-OBSTRUCTIVE?
• Incoherent clearance price stickers. Self-explanatory.
• Dressing room clerks who are OBNOXIOUS and scream at you if you don't rehang up your discards. Sorry to sound like a brat, BUT IT IS YOUR JOB LADIES. SUCK IT UP.
• 6-item dressing room limits. 6?! WHAT IF I WANT TO TRY 4 SIZES OF ONE THING? I GET SCREWED. Again, I'm NOT shoplifting. I just like trying EVERYTHING on.
• Not enough J Brands. In my size.

I'm not going to complain about how MESSY the stores are. That's part of your charm, and I am very well aware. These problems really just SADDEN ME and put a DAMPER on my shopping experience.

Fix this. Really. Or else I'll stop buying Betsey Johnson shoes.
No I won't. Yet ANOTHER empty threat.

Your pal,

Miss Ditz