Google = COOLEST EVER.

Debatedly COOLER THAN YOU.

Also, potentially COOLER THAN THE HAIR ON A POLAR BEAR'S TUSSY.

[I started this post on the 11th and promptly forgot about it. Whoops. You don't want to know how many posts are still unfinished drafts. Okay. Maybe 5.]

I came across this teensy little gem ages ago. It's a charming little Google Lab tool, for your Gmail. Hey. Remember that drunk email you sent me at 4 a.m. telling me how much you hate my blog?

I GOT IT.

Didn't turn on your Google GOGGLES, eh?

So, what does this do? Turn it on, and during high-traffic "alcohol consumption" times, you're prompted to answer 3 magical mathematical questions before your email is allowed to travel the wonders of cyberspace.

Right, cool.

So, what happens during 4 p.m. happy hour? What about my Mid-Morning Monday Martoonis? WHAT ABOUT THOSE EMAILS? And HEY. Those math questions are SUPER EASY. I studied MATH in university. Simple multiplication is JOKES. THROW SOME INTEGRALS IN THERE. HOW ABOUT A LAPLACE TRANSFORMATION?

GET BACK TO THE LAB, GOOGLE, AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL I SAY SO.

Another Sale - Hide Your Credit Cards

Marcelle/Annabelle Cosmetics Sale [HEY, I GOT PICTURES OF THE FLIER. I AM FANCY.]

Special thanks to Disaster Pet for passing this one along. Who knew he liked lip gloss that much?

[Note: click on the images to ENLARGE and read INFORMATION]

Riddle Me This, BATMAN

I wish this was a Batman-related post.

IT'S NOT.

Currently sitting across a table from Hello Kitten, working like little bees on a communications plan DUE TOMORROW. Why are we puttering about now? Because we're last-minute kittens.
Why is this relevant?

An unnamed group member of ours opted to write her sections in her mother tongue, FRENCH. That's cool and all, sure, but don't send the designated editors HALF-FRENCH/HALF-ENGLISH PARTS.

That's not the punch line. Wait for it.


Some of the sentences in her original text were beyond incomprehensible. I'd put examples, but that's just PLAIN MEAN. Hello Kitten and I proceeded to read them out loud several times, and couldn't get ourselves off the floor. I wanted to share this with the world, and by the world, I mean Disaster Pet.

You know something? He's really smart. The instant I sent it to him he pegged it.
BABELFISH TRANSLATIONS. AT A UNIVERSITY LEVEL. Seriously. And JUST to prove he was right, I put the "english" sentence into the fishy translator and BOOM. Coherent French sentence.

WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN? Babelfish doesn't translate FULL SENTENCES. It does it WORD - BY - WORD.

I called my mother to tell her about this. She loves my "Group-Work-Blows" stories. LOVES.

"IS THAT GIRL DEMENTED?"
"Yes, Mom. I think she may be."
"ARE YOU CRYING???"
"NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT MOMMY."

I MAY have to make an ultimate list of lessons learned from McGill Public Relations Group Projects.

YET ANOTHER EMPTY PROMISE, DITZ.

Halloweeny Options, Featuring Ditz

It's only Wednesday, and everyone's FAVORITE Pagan holiday is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, and I have already gone through 7 costume options.

ALL NIXED.

In no particular order, I bring you Ditz's Rejected Halloween 2008 Costumes:

1. Sarah Palin - it's 90% nixed. EVEN THOUGH I AM CLEARLY AS SEXY AS SEXY SARAH, I can't see myself having enough hours in the next two days to master that MAVERICK's brilliant accent.
2. Girl Scout - COMPLETE with inappropriately shaped cookies and a sash with "badges". NOT EVERY COSTUME HAS TO BE SLUTTY.
3. Bee - I wanted a reason to wear that STUPID black and yellow striped tank top that a former friend FORCED me to buy years ago at H&M. It may or may not have the tags still on.
4. Cougar - as in creature of the night, not feline. Some people say it's not socially acceptable to prey on my sister's 12/13 year old male friends. Those people JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COOL.
5. 2 Headed Monster - rejected for bathroom purposes. Duh. I like privacy.
6. Princess - no. I wish.
7. Pregnant Prom Queen - I selfishly wanted a portable stand for martoonis. I don't own any clothes that fit over maternity bellies, and apparently nobody who was recently pregnant bought any maternity dresses. Truth: it might still happen. I have a belly being delivered. I have amazing connections.
8. Shotgun Wedding - I don't want to be jinxed THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
9. Pavarotti & a Margherita Pizza and/or any combination of Large Celebrity & Snack Food - rejected for practical reasons. I am neither large nor snacky.
10. Bristol Palin - similar issues to #7, although this one's incredibly TOPICAL.
11. Retired Playboy Bunny - you know, she was fired because she got knocked up! ANOTHER USE FOR PREGNANCY BELLY.

Relating to All Hallow's Eve, I went to the local Dollar Boutique on Monday, to get accessories [Monday, I was going to be Sarah Palin, but then I changed my mind. 78 times.] for my costume, and I was paying for the following items: a tiara, a recorder (musical instrument, not recording device) and a toy shotgun. The kind elderly lady behind me [NO, SHE DIDN'T TRY TO PUSH IN FRONT OF ME] remarked on my purchases.

"Oh, so you're going as a princess for Halloween? How lovely!"

"Err, not exactly. More like SARAH PALIN. See? I have a shotgun. See? A recorder in case there's a talent competition!!"

[Lady is uneasy]

"Oh. Well... That's... interesting? Have fun!"

Which leads me to believe that she A. thinks I'm a lunatic or B. has no idea who Sarah Palin is.

Correct Answer: C. all of the above.

SO, You Think You're FUNNY, EH?

Dear Mother Nature,

This is because I didn't put on my winter tires yet, right? This is because I laugh at all things GREEN, right?

Fall is my favorite season. WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING HERE? BEING FUNNY? NO.

When I was getting GASOLINE this morning for my gas-guzzling Mazda 3, Princess, I was thinking how GLAD I am that it ISN'T SNOWING YET, because pumping gas outside when there's snow and it's cold IS JUST PLAIN MISERABLE. DID YOU NOT HEAR ME THINK THAT??

I thought we had an understanding. You lay off the snow until my birthday, and I try hard not to pollute.

THE LEAST YOU COULD'VE DONE WAS MAKE IT THAT LIGHT WATERY SNOW THAT MELTS IMMEDIATELY. No, you had to make it HEAVY STICKY SNOWBALL-GRADE SNOW.

BUT I DON'T HAVE WINTER TIRES ON YET.

Are you in cahoots with the winter tire manufacturers? How much are they paying you? It's a little too convenient that it suddenly snowed TODAY when the weather was LOVELY and peachy and the leaves haven't even finished falling and they were crunchy and fun. It's because they passed that INFERNAL law about mandatory winter tires, isn't it?

Oh. I know why. It's because I wore my fake-fur moccasins to work today. Oh.

I get it.

Sigh.

Let's reconsider the snow situation, okay? Thanks.
Your pal,
Miss Ditz

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? ME, THAT'S WHO.

Pre-blog, I went on an excursion to Toronto, to visit my favorite Toronto Kitten. She conned me into buying THE most INAPPROPRIATE dress EVER. It's been worn EXACTLY ONCE, and that ONE time, it got LOOKS. Not your average "Oh, hey, that's a COOL DRESS" looks, or even "WELL, it's a little out there, but she is ADORABLE" looks. More like "CHRIST, THAT GIRL HAS SOME NERVE" looks.


You all laughed at me, and told me this was not a dress for a nice girl from Cote St Luc. BUT I KEPT IT ANYWAYS.

Words do not do this FROCK justice. But do you know what DOES do it justice? THIS.

No, your eyes do not deceive you. THAT'S A ZIPPER THAT RUNS FROM THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM. It fits like a Herve Leger bandage dress. Except it's not.

Guess what.

People Magazine's Style Watch in this week's issue (MADONNA AND GUY RITCHIE SPLIT: NO PRENUP, NO SOULS, NO MERCY!) features something interesting. ZIPPER DRESSES.

HAH.

SO. THERE. ONCE AGAIN, DITZ IS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.

IN ADDITION

I feel like today is one of those days where I post 193754 entries. I'm in the GROOVE. Maybe I should be drying my hair and going to work.
MAYBE NOT.

Say it, all together now: MISPLACED PRIORITIES.

Quickly, because I already did NOT get my $5 today for leaving on time.

Last week, Miss Ditz hit a new high of weekly readers. 305 VISITS.

I know it seems PALTRY at best, (no, not POULTRY) BUT IT'S A START. I THINK IT'S A BIG DEAL.

So, some randomized shout outs: Obviously HELLO to all my magnificent Canadian readers. HELLO to my kitten readers in L.A. HELLO to my delicious readers in Denver and HELLO to my pets in New York!

You're all PRECIOUS and I LOVE you all.

Well, maybe MOST of you.
XOXO