How To Be A Glutton

Featuring Prince, Ditz & Chocolate.

2 weekends ago - I was BITCHDITZ and did not advertise - was the Salon Passion de Chocolat at our fine Palais de Congres. Sometimes, Ditz is a rat and keeps things to herself. Worker Bee JUST gave me hell that I didn't tell her, because HER prince would have chocolate intravenous if it was socially acceptable. He says Worker Bee and I cannot be friends anymore. WHATEVER. NOT A LOSS.

(I am slightly kidding.)

For those of you who aren't sure what a SALON PASSION DE CHOCOLAT is, allow me to explain.

What Ditz Thought It Would Be: GIANT FESTIVAL WITH CHOCOLATE FLOWING FROM FOUNTAINS AND CHOCOLATE COVERED EVERYTHINGS TO EAT AND A RIVER OF CHOCOLATE.
What It ACTUALLY Was: A chocolate/jams/wine trade show, featuring Quebec vendors.

And no, WILLY WONKA WAS NOT THERE. Jerk.

So, with this all in mind, I give you Ditz & Prince's Steps to GLUTTONY:

1. Start off your evening with a good piece of Shnitzel. Forget saving room. You need FRIED CHICKEN ENERGY.
2. Enter Show. Notice samples cost $1. IGNORE SIGNS.
3. Stand by Jam/Chocolate Spread station. Try EVERY SINGLE ONE, especially if there are at least 20 flavors.
4. Drink at least 3 complimentary espressos. You need an energy boost after all that JAM.
5. Divide and Conquer for ultimate snacking experience. Tag teams aren't as successful as single SNEAKERS.
6. Notice wine sample stations. Claim you're a restauranteur. Get extra samples. Advance 5 spaces.
7. Don't waste time on cookies. They are useless stomach-fillers.
8. Ignore #7. Everyone loves a good cookie. Or 3.
9. Decide you're not spending money on samples. Ignore booths that make you pay.
10. Try several wines at least thrice. You need to be sure before you purchase.
11. Eat everything free in sight. Don't be ashamed; they KNOW WHY YOU'RE THERE.
12. Buy anything that seems REMOTELY yummy. You won't regret it later.
13. Go out for a leisurely hearty dinner afterwards. You're still hungry, so STOP JUDGING YOURSELF.

Prince bought 3 bottles of wine [apple cider, currant, blueberry]. We have nearly finished one of them.

I bought 4 spreads [chocolate/red peppers/paprika, honey caramel, merlot or something red jelly, strawberry jam] and a bottle of cream apple cider. The honey caramel is nearly finished. I had it once. Methinks Kiddo likes it on toast for breakfast. SHE WOULD.

Rocking Presentations: Version 2.4

This may become a recurring series, given that I have piles of presentations coming up.

You all may remember my previous entry on this subject, http://theanecditz.blogspot.com/2008/04/skewed-priorities-or-how-to-rock.html
or the fact that I tend to spend more time primping than working on school-related work.

Not news.

Last time, my presentation was a group presentation. Last night, my presentation was a SOLO VENTURE. I haven't done one of those in ages. Potentially ever.

So, as per usual, I give you Ditz's Guide to Rocking Presentations Like a Hurricane.

• Make sure your topic is something you know the MOST ABOUT in your entire class (and/or the world). It's not fun to present something that EVERYONE ALREADY UNDERSTANDS.
• Spend an unusually large amount of time choosing a catchy title. It's important to GRAB your audience in the first 12 seconds of your presentation. Good titles make you think. GREAT TITLES have a colon in them. No, not THAT KIND.
• Use PowerPoint. Everyone loves PowerPoint. That, and it looks like you put it A HECK OF A LOT MORE WORK INTO IT than you actually have.
• 3 days before the presentation: decide that working on anything else aside from it is a priority. Tell people you're really stressed.
• 2 days before the presentation: start working intensely hard on your slides.
• On PowerPoint - pick a slide design template that has at least ONE shade of pink. Everyone LOVES pink.
• Put at least ONE clip art image on each slide. Clip art is equivalent to sunshine on a cloudy day.
• Make sure you have a pile and a half of fun graphs, charts, useless pictures to hand out. Everyone loves a distraction.
• When a professor says they want a "Business" presentation, what they REALLY mean is they want an ENTERTAINING & FUN & CASUAL presentation. Obviously.
• Day of presentation: be really stressed. Call in sick to work. Take a 2 hour power nap filled with HIGH ANXIETY dreams about sleeping through your presentation.
• Spend vast majority of your day dreaming about what outfit to wear. Spend the other part of your day endlessly recounting how REAL your anxiety dreams were.
• 4 hours before presentation: trek over to local Bureau En Gros to save on your own personal ink supply and print out FUN HANDOUTS on glossies.
• Spend 20 minutes arguing with Bureau En Gros technicians at how they actively try to ruin your life by not having any functioning color printers AT ANY OF THEIR LOCATIONS.
• Print out dozens of Wikipedia articles on your topic for reference points. Hello? Wikipedia is THE ultimate source of all truths.
• 2 hours before presentation: have an ultimate freak-out breakdown. Uninvite your precious Prince from attending. HE is the reason you're stressed. It's not the fact that you're still missing 2 crucial slides; it's that you're nervous to perform in front of him. HE MIGHT JUDGE YOU.
• 95 minutes before presentation: finish slides. Calm down.
• 1 hour before presentation: show Momma slides. After all, she GAVE YOU LIFE, she deserves to see your slides.
• T-45 minutes: take a leisurely shower. You have to look your best, and you KNOW IT.
• Change your outfit 12 times. Decide on something borderline provocative. If they aren't going to focus on your presentation, let them focus on your goods.
• Arrive 12 minutes late to class. You need to make an entrance and you know it.
• When the projector doesn't work, sit on a desk and present casually.
• 1 word: SMILE. Everyone needs to see what your parents paid good money to fix. Take cues from the Cheshire Cat. He knows where it's at!
• Keeping in mind that you have a time limit of 10-15 minutes, ignore that, and talk for 35-40 minutes. You're interesting, your topic is the best AND YOU HAVE NO REGARD FOR ANYONE ELSE'S TIME.
• Graciously accept any/all questions from the peanut gallery. Questions = interest. Lack of questions = you suck.
• Curtsy when your classmates clap for you. YOU ROCK!

My classmates told me I was delicious. I only half believe them. I do believe they were just mesmerized by the fact that my presentation was based on the art of blogging and Facebook.

Let's be serious here. Beyond shoes, what else am I physically capable to talk about?

How To Conquer Second Cup During Study Hours

...And successfully take over two tables.

Scene: Deuxieme Tasse at Parc & Milton
Players: Miss Ditz & Munchkin Kitten

Issue: Crowded coffee house = lack of appropriately sized tables for study/work use.

Solution:

1. Stalk out all potential seats. Tables NOT near power outlets = bad. Tables with uncomfortable chairs = bad.
2. Find a single table with two chairs next to an unwilling neighbor.
3. Make sure you have at least 2 giant bags with you. Laptop and annoyingly large pencil case are bonuses.
4. So are Apple Babas.
5. Shift table away from unfriendly neighbor, stating that you're moving the table so you're not ON TOP OF HER.
6. Ignore her rude glares.
7. Mention casually - and LOUDLY - how much you hope people leave so you can grab their better tables.
8. Notice girls misusing a set of tables. Mention loudly that a second table is NOT a storage unit.
9. Discuss openly the fact that if they don't smarten up and move, you will MAKE THEM MOVE.
10. Smile casually when unfriendly neighbor starts packing up her bags and abandons ship.
11. Throw out her coffee for her.
12. MOVE TABLES TOGETHER. AND. CONQUER.

Moral of the story: if you whine and kvetch obnoxiously enough, you can subtly bully ANYONE into leaving their table and work environment.