POST-BIRTHDITZ - One Hectic Week Later

I spent an HOUR thanking EVERY SINGLE PERSON who wished me a happy birthday on Facebook.

90% of people got a standardized copy-paste message.

It's rather curious WHO messages you on your birthday and the sort of messages you get.

"Hey, happy birthday, long time no speak, what are you up to?"

WHAT do I answer to that? I can't sum up the last 10+ YEARS OF MY LIFE IN ONE FACEBOOK WALL POST. There's a reason why we haven't spoken in a long time. IT'S BECAUSE I PROBABLY DON'T REALLY LIKE YOU.

It bothers me that people who I have as "friends" on FB that are actually total ASSHOLES to me in real life bother to wish me a happy birthday. Call me ungrateful, but I'd rather have NO BIRTHDAY WISHES than receive half-assed "polite" garbage messages from people who look at the listing of birthdays on the homepage and feel it's their CIVIC DUTY to be "nice".
IT'S NOT NICE.

IT'S ANNOYING AND OBNOXIOUS.

Most of the people who wished me a happy birthday WOULDN'T KNOW IT'S MY BIRTHDAY IF IT WEREN'T FOR FACEBOOK.

I have a prime example. I think this happened a solid 2 years/birthdays ago. On a rampage, I deleted a bunch of friends off Facebook. People I didn't like, people associated with people I didn't like, people who looked at me the wrong way ONCE... Anyway, after this axing frenzy, my birthday rolled around and I got an inboxer - as I like to call them - from a guy I went to high school with, that I was pretty friendly with IN high school AND after graduation. He was a casualty of my deleting spree. Inside this message, he wished me a happy birthday, and mentioned that HE KNEW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY WITHOUT FACEBOOK TELLING HIM SO [oh, and by the way, he also noticed that I'D DELETED HIM].

See? HE is a good egg.

I appreciated all the phone calls. I appreciated even the text messages and emails. I don't appreciate people who think that posting a standard HAPPY BIRTHDAY makes up for a phone call.

It doesn't.

You know what's a great punishment for all these fake Facebook wishes? FAKE STANDARDIZED THANK-YOU REPLIES.

DITZ. ALWAYS. WINS.

[Note: I actually DID love all the Facebook loving. Except for one nameless person. She knows who she is.]

"It's Complicated Between Adam and Eve"

This is - NO JOKE - the funniest thing I have seen all day. Click on the images to see what they are. Don't be a lazy parasite.

A pal passed it onto me. Here's the link with the original content, so you don't think I created this. http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764710

God bless College Humor.

And Star 92.9 holiday music. Totally not over it.

Facebook Chat = LOLZ

I seriously hope Kiddo Ditz-in-Training likes that she's getting a cameo appearance.

I was just Facebooking, as usual, when I noticed one of those PESKY chat boxes pop up. It was Miss Kiddo. Bless her soul, she crops me out of her profile pictures. They learn so fast!

Here's the transcript from our charming, albeit BRIEF conversation:

[Kiddo, 4:07 p.m.:] hi its allison

[Ditz, 4:08 p.m.:] i know
[Ditz, 4:08 p.m.:] it says your name

[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] sorry g2g
[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] bye
[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] bye

I think I may have insulted her by telling her that I knew it was her because the window popped up that SAID HER NAME.

Whatever. She's hilarious.

Facebook: Friend or Foe?

For a change, I don't have anything negative to say about Mark Zuckerberg's latest changes. I'm a little bit used to New Facebook. I actually like it. Like really like it.

I was recently looking at friends' profiles [yes, I do that, and you do too, stop denying it] and marveling at how much I can learn about someone just by stalking their profile. Now, I know what you're thinking. THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Obviously you can gather valuable information from a PERSONAL PROFILE, but that isn't my point. We're getting there.


I'm talking more about what your profile says about you. How many friends you have. How many tagged pictures, IF you allow people to see tagged pictures. Your wall posts. Your about me. Your status changes. How often you update your status, and what you're updating for.

I love Facebook. I think it's one of the most brilliant networking tools that exist today. I know this is an obvious topic to mention. Shoot me.

In an age where it's not uncommon to broadcast your entire life on the Internet, it's interesting to see who posts what, and where. I marvel at Facebook friends who post albums of their new haircut, who change their statuses to coordinate with their ever-changing schedule. Does anybody really care about your haircut? We don't care if you're eating soup for dinner for the 8th night in a row. We don't care if you're going to sleep early YET AGAIN. I'm not saying I'm a perfect Facebook specimen. I'm insanely guilty of a hectic profile.

It's curious what different people deem as appropriate amounts of personal information. I can't see your wall, but your list of favorite bands is extensive. You have 1034 friends, but you won't post a profile picture. Just how much information is too much?

Looking at assorted profiles, victims ranging in age, I can't make a serious hypothesis. Really, it depends on the user. Internet privacy is such a funny bird. Every time I add a new friend, I always check out my own profile. This is what they can see about me. Everything you see posted on my profile has a place. Everything has a reason. It's completely calculated. Have I put too much thought into my profile page?

Maybe you just haven't put enough into yours.

Take a good, hard, long look at your profile. Maybe you're revealing too much. Maybe you're not revealing enough. Time for a profile update!

Marky, Can You Hear Me?

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

Apparently you didn't get my last letter. Apparently we STILL need to talk. No, not about how I sometimes want to marry you. Not about how you REFUSE to be my Facebook friend and DENY our love. I'm over that. Ish. We need to talk about this latest FEATURE you decided to invent/incorporate into my hourly stalking. Mmm hmm. Facebook chat. This letter to you is long overdue. I feel like I should've commented within 15.8 seconds of its arrival. I was slacking.

Listen Marky. I don't love this chat function. I've loved many of your new Facebook features. Really. Some of them, I've even grown to love (hello? Applications?). Here's my beef. I don't like that I have to be ONLINE to see who's online. Where's the INVISIBLE feature? COME ON MARK. I LIVE on appear offline on msn! And another thing. It's such a rip-off of Gmail chat. DIDN'T THINK I'D NOTICE, EH? NOT THIS DITZ. SHE SEES EVERYTHING.

Here's the bottom line, and I think the vast majority of Facebookers feel the same way. There's a reason why certain people are Facebook friends and are not instant messenger friends. Sometimes you just want to casually stalk, without having garbage conversation (you know, the "hey what's up?" "nm, u?" crap). I really liked being an incognito creep. I don't like that if I happen to be online, people that I enjoy stalking (mostly people I barely stalk but felt bad rejecting their friend requests) can SEE ME ONLINE. AND CAN SEND ME MESSAGES. INSTANT ONES. Gross. I like inbox messages.

Mark, fix this. Facebook chat needs serious refining. Get on it.

All my unconditional love, (wait, that's clearly a lie. My love for you is dependent on your fixing of Facebook chat)
Little Miss Ditz

P.S. If you added me, and sent me instant Facebook messages via chat, I would OBVIOUSLY respond. I would even LOVE chat!