Ditz's HOTW: Barack Obama

This week's hero PROBABLY should just be me, given that it was my birthday, BUT IT'S NOT. Ditz's HOTW is none other than the U.S. President Elect, Mr. Barack Obama. Why? Not because he's the first Black president. Not because he's told the "help" at the White House to leave his girls be with their chores. Not because his wife is a fashion icon. He's this week's hero because he tried to impersonate himself and failed. Miserably.

Obama had good intentions. All he wanted to do was call a Floridian Congresswoman and congratulate her on her re-election. She hung up on his phone call. Not once, but TWICE. Being particularly unimpressed with the fact that radio stations are CONSTANTLY pranking congressfolk imitating "important" politicians, the congresswoman took this fact for granted and assumed it was a common gag.

It wasn't.

Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen was pretty set on not having a Palin-esque situation. It took retelling of an inside joke from Representative Howard Berman to convince this lovely lady that Obama ACTUALLY wanted to speak to her.

Obama gets this week's honor of being the Ditz Hero of the Week. He successfully managed to convince a congresswoman that he wasn't really himself, but that he can do a better impression of "Barack Obama" than the "guy who does it on Saturday Night Live".

Thursday Brings a NEW DITZ HERO

I am infinitely sorry to be kicking Missy Quinn off the Ditz's Hero throne, but that girl needs to get cracking on the baby-making. Her biological clock IS TICKING.

Ditz's Thursday Hero is a very special man, named Martin Eisenstadt. Mr. Eisenstadt is a McCain policy advisor, hailing from the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy. Why is he important? Mr. Eisenstadt is the man responsible for leaking the story to the press that Gov. Sarah Palin [Ditz's actual LIFE hero] needed to be briefed hard on the fact that Africa is a continent.

Martin Eisenstadt does not actually exist. Nor does the organization he supposedly hails from. Martin Eisenstadt and the entire "Palin Doesn't Know What Africa Is" story is an elaborate hoax created by Eitan Gorlin and Dan Mirvish. They're looking to pitch a TV show featuring Martin Eisenstadt.

So, you wonder, why is Martin Eisenstadt a hero?

This story was featured on MSNBC.

AND almost every news media source. AS TRUTH.

What's really priceless is Martin's blog: http://www.eisenstadtgroup.com/ EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE IS CLAIMING HE ISN'T REAL, he's out there trying to prove he's a real person. KUDOS, MARTIN EISENSTADT. KUDOS. Way to assert yourself as a legitimate source of information!

I don't like summing up and giving my kittens a moral. Not everything needs to be wrapped up with a bow. EXCEPT FOR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS.

But, due to the nature of the content, I'll give you some conclusionary morals.

1. Don't believe anything you read online. Okay, fine. Don't believe EVERYTHING that you read online. Just because Wikipedia is THE source of all truths, doesn't mean every other website is.
2. If you're going to invent a new human being and give them "stories" to plant in the media, MAKE SURE nobody finds out what you did. COVER YOUR BUM FOR GOD'S SAKE.
3. The story you leak needs to be believable, i.e. Sarah Palin Doesn't Know What Countries Exist Outside of Alaska OR Sarah Palin Greets McCain Aides in a Towel.
4. If all else fails, just wear a yellow suit. You know how well that worked for Cindy McCain, Jill Biden and Roberta McCain!

Ditz's Hero Of The Month - NEW SERIES

[This will be a new series if I remember to do so. And/or if my precious kittens love it.]



Hello Kitten is a gem. While she IS a general hero to most - always looks top notch, never has a bad day, glorious specimen in general - she is NOT this month's hero. She INTRODUCED me to this month's hero.



OR SHOULD I SAY HEROINE.



Allow me to introduce you to Missy Quinn. Missy Quinn is 16. Missy Quinn hails from what the Brits call a Caravan Community. That's GYPSY to us laymen. Missy Quinn is easily the only 16 year old bride who's had THIS MUCH PRESS. See that picture? That's Missy Quinn in her wedding "gown". She's my hero. Why? Because her father paves driveways, and her mother is a Glamour Model, and Missy aspires to be a Glamour Model and hasn't been in formal - NO, actual - school since she was 9. Lucky for us, Missy Quinn can't read any of the beautiful articles everyone's been writing about her. Missy Quinn's wedding to a 17 year old chap she met at a theme park (she was showing him a "good time" on the Tilt-a-Whirl, and he won her a stuffed parrot) cost her hard-workin' folks a mighty £100,000 [according to today's currency converter, is $184,777.76 Canadian]. That's a heck of a lot of driveways to be paved, Missy!



Okay, fine. I'll admit it. I AM TOTALLY JEALOUS OF THIS CONCOCTION THAT SHE CALLS A DRESS. I want a two-piece dress that weighs so much that I can't stand up. I want every single guest at my wedding to have to help yank me out of the Rolls-Royce Phantom limo because my "dress" is too big. I want people marveling at how many Swarovski crystals are embedded in my flesh.



I JUST WANT A GIANT TIARA AND A GIANT SWAROVSKI CRYSTAL BOUQUET.


Say Cheese! GROUP PHOTO! That hot broad on the far left is Missy Quinn's mother, Theresa. She's 33. SHE married her precious husband at 16 years of age. You do the math.



Papa Bear Simon Quinn's quote just sums up the entire affair.

“I’m very proud of her today.”

And you know what, Simon? We are too.