Something That Makes Me LOL

I really do NOT love the Pussycat Dolls. I loved the original burlesque show concept. The band? NO.

They have this ONE song that really GRINDS MY GEARS. You know which one? "When I grow up, I wanna have [INSERT HERE]"

I argued endlessly with my male pets. "GUYS. IT'S GROUPIES, NOT BOOBIES."

And they'd say, "DITZ, IT'S ABOUT BOOBIES. THEY'RE THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS."

And Ditz'd GRUNT and ignore them.

Momma Ditz & I read People Magazine like it would be the Bible. I saw this bit weeks ago, but consistently forgot to mention it. One week, they wrote about the song, and about how the Pussycat Dolls wanted BOOBIES when they grew up. I snorted when I saw that. Great. So the lyrics are really BOOBIES. PEOPLE MAGAZINE DOESN'T LIE.

Or do they...

The following week, because I am a SUPER NERD, I was scanning their corrections box. I love when magazines screw up. Turns out, THEY SCREWED UP THE LYRICS.

IT'S GROUPIES.

DITZ: 1, MALE PETS: 0.

Heard Outside a Manicure Salon

I have excellent priorities. What does a little Ditz do with an hour before she's due in class? GET A MANICURE. So, while waiting for Hello Kitten to prance on over from her studies at the library, Ditz took in some FRESH air and sat outside the manicure salon.

Seen: 2 ladies walking. One was notably wearing a great pair of moccasin boots. Someone tell me where to get a GOOD pair. Thanks.

Heard: tidbits of their conversation, arguably about male-dominated situations.

Quote: "GIRL, YOU'VE JUST GOT TO GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!"

I wish I was obnoxious enough to say that to people I barely know. I would also tell those people that leggings aren't pants, and that their cankles don't look cute.

But really Ditz, why is this quote quotable? (Potable Potents? What is this? Jeopardy?)

Too often I find myself - and I'm sure you find yourself too - censoring how I really feel about situations. No, that's a lie. Everyone knows I say the bitter truth. It's really YOU. We ALL know the truth hurts. Get over it. Be real. GET A GRIP!

Rocking Presentations: Version 2.4

This may become a recurring series, given that I have piles of presentations coming up.

You all may remember my previous entry on this subject, http://theanecditz.blogspot.com/2008/04/skewed-priorities-or-how-to-rock.html
or the fact that I tend to spend more time primping than working on school-related work.

Not news.

Last time, my presentation was a group presentation. Last night, my presentation was a SOLO VENTURE. I haven't done one of those in ages. Potentially ever.

So, as per usual, I give you Ditz's Guide to Rocking Presentations Like a Hurricane.

• Make sure your topic is something you know the MOST ABOUT in your entire class (and/or the world). It's not fun to present something that EVERYONE ALREADY UNDERSTANDS.
• Spend an unusually large amount of time choosing a catchy title. It's important to GRAB your audience in the first 12 seconds of your presentation. Good titles make you think. GREAT TITLES have a colon in them. No, not THAT KIND.
• Use PowerPoint. Everyone loves PowerPoint. That, and it looks like you put it A HECK OF A LOT MORE WORK INTO IT than you actually have.
• 3 days before the presentation: decide that working on anything else aside from it is a priority. Tell people you're really stressed.
• 2 days before the presentation: start working intensely hard on your slides.
• On PowerPoint - pick a slide design template that has at least ONE shade of pink. Everyone LOVES pink.
• Put at least ONE clip art image on each slide. Clip art is equivalent to sunshine on a cloudy day.
• Make sure you have a pile and a half of fun graphs, charts, useless pictures to hand out. Everyone loves a distraction.
• When a professor says they want a "Business" presentation, what they REALLY mean is they want an ENTERTAINING & FUN & CASUAL presentation. Obviously.
• Day of presentation: be really stressed. Call in sick to work. Take a 2 hour power nap filled with HIGH ANXIETY dreams about sleeping through your presentation.
• Spend vast majority of your day dreaming about what outfit to wear. Spend the other part of your day endlessly recounting how REAL your anxiety dreams were.
• 4 hours before presentation: trek over to local Bureau En Gros to save on your own personal ink supply and print out FUN HANDOUTS on glossies.
• Spend 20 minutes arguing with Bureau En Gros technicians at how they actively try to ruin your life by not having any functioning color printers AT ANY OF THEIR LOCATIONS.
• Print out dozens of Wikipedia articles on your topic for reference points. Hello? Wikipedia is THE ultimate source of all truths.
• 2 hours before presentation: have an ultimate freak-out breakdown. Uninvite your precious Prince from attending. HE is the reason you're stressed. It's not the fact that you're still missing 2 crucial slides; it's that you're nervous to perform in front of him. HE MIGHT JUDGE YOU.
• 95 minutes before presentation: finish slides. Calm down.
• 1 hour before presentation: show Momma slides. After all, she GAVE YOU LIFE, she deserves to see your slides.
• T-45 minutes: take a leisurely shower. You have to look your best, and you KNOW IT.
• Change your outfit 12 times. Decide on something borderline provocative. If they aren't going to focus on your presentation, let them focus on your goods.
• Arrive 12 minutes late to class. You need to make an entrance and you know it.
• When the projector doesn't work, sit on a desk and present casually.
• 1 word: SMILE. Everyone needs to see what your parents paid good money to fix. Take cues from the Cheshire Cat. He knows where it's at!
• Keeping in mind that you have a time limit of 10-15 minutes, ignore that, and talk for 35-40 minutes. You're interesting, your topic is the best AND YOU HAVE NO REGARD FOR ANYONE ELSE'S TIME.
• Graciously accept any/all questions from the peanut gallery. Questions = interest. Lack of questions = you suck.
• Curtsy when your classmates clap for you. YOU ROCK!

My classmates told me I was delicious. I only half believe them. I do believe they were just mesmerized by the fact that my presentation was based on the art of blogging and Facebook.

Let's be serious here. Beyond shoes, what else am I physically capable to talk about?

Get Your Life Jacket Ready

Little Ditz enters the next wave:

Ditz is a Twitter.

https://twitter.com/lilmissjackie

C'est moi, precious kittens!

Follow me!

How To Conquer Second Cup During Study Hours

...And successfully take over two tables.

Scene: Deuxieme Tasse at Parc & Milton
Players: Miss Ditz & Munchkin Kitten

Issue: Crowded coffee house = lack of appropriately sized tables for study/work use.

Solution:

1. Stalk out all potential seats. Tables NOT near power outlets = bad. Tables with uncomfortable chairs = bad.
2. Find a single table with two chairs next to an unwilling neighbor.
3. Make sure you have at least 2 giant bags with you. Laptop and annoyingly large pencil case are bonuses.
4. So are Apple Babas.
5. Shift table away from unfriendly neighbor, stating that you're moving the table so you're not ON TOP OF HER.
6. Ignore her rude glares.
7. Mention casually - and LOUDLY - how much you hope people leave so you can grab their better tables.
8. Notice girls misusing a set of tables. Mention loudly that a second table is NOT a storage unit.
9. Discuss openly the fact that if they don't smarten up and move, you will MAKE THEM MOVE.
10. Smile casually when unfriendly neighbor starts packing up her bags and abandons ship.
11. Throw out her coffee for her.
12. MOVE TABLES TOGETHER. AND. CONQUER.

Moral of the story: if you whine and kvetch obnoxiously enough, you can subtly bully ANYONE into leaving their table and work environment.

Food For Thought

God, I wish this was a post about snacks. I love snacks.

It's not.

Heard on Montreal's Light Rock Station Q92 this week:
Montreal has been rated as one of the most UNFRIENDLY major metropolis cities in the world. New York is apparently the friendliest.

I mention this because I victimize strangers with elevator eyes on a daily basis.

No, not really.

I mention this because a friendly American Worker Bee stepped into my office and announced that he'd gotten clear lost during his first sojourn in our fair city and NOT A SINGLE PERSON HELPED HIM OUT.

Typical. I'd likely snort at someone who asked me for directions. That, or I'd send them in the opposite direction.

NO. NOT ACTUALLY. Well, maybe. Depends on the day.

Maybe we should take this little snackpack of love and think. The price of a smile is free. EVEN AT MCDONALD'S. You can order a BAG FULL of smiles. WHAT WOULD IT COST YOU TO BE NICE TO THAT OLD MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING?

Oh right. Your soul.

Hey? Kittens? Go smile at 4 strangers today. Just do it. Ditz says so.

BAD NEWS - SAMPLE SALE RELATED

Shocker - the Juicy sale was canceled.

HOWEVER.

The company that "deals" with this sale CLAIMS they're just opening an ALL THE TIME outlet store.

SKEPTICAL DITZ DOESN'T BELIEVE THIS. Do you?