DITZ IS A MAGICAL WIZARD

Look to your right.

See that magical LABEL CLOUD?

I did that. Blogger doesn't have a label cloud, so I had to put it in MYSELF. Using HTML programming. WHO'S IMPRESSED?

Now, before you all get WAY TOO EXCITED, let me burst your bubble, please.

I've only tagged/labeled 35-45 posts. Out of 160+. It's annoying long work that I should've been doing since the INSTANT I started blogging. I didn't, so bear with me.

Once it's properly finished, you'll be able to pick a FUN TOPIC and read alllll the related posts! DITZ ENTERS THE 21st CENTURY.

In the meantime, I will just continue performing magic tricks and other things that wizards do.

Who Loves Free Products? ME, THAT'S WHO.

Remember how at the end of the summer, I kept alluding to "good news" that I never ended up talking about? For those of you who don't remember, but are curious, allow me to proceed...

Apparently more than just my regular kittens read my blog. OBVIOUSLY. Over the summer, I was contacted by a marketing company based out of Toronto, Matchstick, who loved my blog and felt that I'm an influential blogger and consumer, which, clearly, I am. I participated in one of their marketing campaigns for Listerine Teeth Whitening Strips. I kind of did a pretty bad job at it. They sent me piles of samples to distribute, and all they wanted was for me to blog about the teeth strips. I tried them and they were the most revolting things in the world. AND this all happened during my August-September blogcation, where I was feeling uninspired and unblogged. Good thing that time period is OVER.

Anyway, GUESS WHAT? They contacted me AGAIN. MATCHSTICK, YOU ARE FORGIVING SOULS AND I PROMISE TO BE BETTER THIS TIME. I SWEAR. I think this next campaign I'll be participating in is MASCARA.

Know what that means?

FREE MASCARA TRIALS.

Matchstick, I LOVE YOU. SAMPLES 4EVER!

Lucky Little Ditz

The National Holiday, also known as Ditz's Birthday, is next Tuesday.

Prince, my delicious and most adored boyfriend, surprised me with a pre-birthday-present present yesterday.

I normally don't like to advertise things like this, because this Ditz likes to keep her actual personal life private, but I can't help but gloat and bask in the glory of Prince's knack at gift-giving. Never has this Ditz had such a precious man who really just understands her quirks and quarks (and knows that she loves jewelry).

He is really just wonderfully amazing and I am infinitely lucky that our hairdresser fixed us up.
BET YOU ALL WANT THAT STORY, EH? If enough of you ask for it, I may go ahead with it.


ANYWAY, that's what my Prince gave me. A beautiful antique pearl necklace with a delicious clasp. Super special, super original and super unique. Ever so thoughtful, he gave it to me yesterday afternoon, so I'd be able to wear it for my presentations last night and tonight.

Could I BE any luckier?

Coming from a Ditz who once thought Tiffany's boxes were the only source of bejeweled happiness, I don't think I want to go back there. I know. I might have fever. It takes a credit card to walk into Tiffany's and pick out a floating heart. It takes a real PRINCE to go looking for something VINTAGE with personality!

Kittens, don't fret if you think the dating pool is full of little kids and urine. For every bad seed, there's a Prince hiding in the background. Or in my case, in my hair salon.

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

In honor of my American Kittens and their precious Thanksgiving, I bring you these:

AND, a snippet from one of my top favorite movies, CAMP, a musical number, called TURKEY LURKEY TIME.

Happy Turkey Day!

"I Sent You To Jewish School For THIS?"

One of my friendly Kitten readers sent me a beautiful email. Okay, fine. The email ITSELF was pretty standard and usual, but its ATTACHMENTS were PARTICULARLY FANTASTIC.

She and I were Facebook chatting earlier this evening. We share a special love for the Christmas season. Yes. We're definitely both Jewish.

Our respective parents are REALLY PROUD.

Kitten here had mentioned that she just recently put up her TABLETOP TREE, and I was INSANELY JEALOUS. I demanded photographic evidence, with the promise of posting them on my blog.

So, without further ado, here is Miss TamaraKitten's beloved tree:

IT'S PINK. AND SHINY.

God. Could life - in tree form - get ANY BETTER?

Fun fact: if you send me things that are semi-interesting, I will likely post them. Write that down.

I Love Group Work. Really.

One of the joys of my program is group work. I mentioned in a previous entry that I was blessed with a group member who used Babelfish to translate her work. She has since apologized.

This is about a DIFFERENT group.

I'm fine working in a team of two (2). I am also okay-ish with groups of three (3) and four (4). I've been tortured in a group of five (5) [that time, it was Miss Ditz and 4 guys. That was NOT FUN].

In this group, I have been PUNISHED with a total of SIX (6) members. That includes yours truly. 5 estrogen-filled ladies AND ONE GUY. He thinks he's the luckiest duck this side of PR Management.

He's not.

He got cursed with four (4) girls and one (1) Ditz. And all five (5) of us tend to butt heads ON EVERYTHING.

Let's take last night. We had our final pre-presentation group meeting. Our topic was assigned to us, and it couldn't have been more fitting: we represent a modeling agency, called Top Models of the World, who needs to deal with the fact that two (2) models have died recently from eating disorders. Delicious topic, eh? We decided we needed a slogan for our communications plan and this little Ditz got her thinking cap on.

[Ditz:] "'Changing the Modeling Industry, ONE SANDWICH AT A TIME'."
[Group groans]
[Group Kitten #1:] "That's too sarcastic for a professional presentation."
[Ditz:] "Fine. 'Changing the Modeling Industry, ONE MODEL AT A TIME'."
[J.Lo Kitten:] "No, that's still not good. How about 'Role Models are Top Models'?"
[Ditz:] "I think it would sound better if it was 'Top Models are Role Models'."
[J.Lo Kitten:] "No."

10 minutes later...

[J.Lo Kitten:] "I thought of a perfect slogan! 'Top Models are Role Models'."
[Silence]
[Classmate Kitten, whispering:] "Err, Ditz, didn't you JUST SAY THAT?"
[Ditz:] "No, apparently not."

Our slogan is 'Top Models are Role Models'. I didn't think of it. Clearly.

"It's Complicated Between Adam and Eve"

This is - NO JOKE - the funniest thing I have seen all day. Click on the images to see what they are. Don't be a lazy parasite.

A pal passed it onto me. Here's the link with the original content, so you don't think I created this. http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764710

God bless College Humor.

And Star 92.9 holiday music. Totally not over it.

Oh, HAPPY DAY

Do you know what today ACTUALLY is?

THE DAY STAR 92.9 FM RADIO STARTED PLAYING HOLIDAY MUSIC!



(That's me having fun with some holiday-spirit jpegs. And delivering milk to the office kitchenette.)

(I love photoshopping. And clip-art. AND the holidays!)

Special Feature: Ditz's Accessorizing Tips

In light of recent concert-viewing events, and in light of a certain utility-man's LACK OF PROPER ACCESSORIZING, I bring you something special.

Roy? This is for you.

Since Roy left his hat-trunk at home before going on tour, I've taken the liberty of compiling some options for Roy. Head over to a HAT BARN and get some CHAPEAUS!

Option #1: Sexy Crocodile Hunter.
In this motif, we see our main man, Roy, topped off in a lovely taupe leather hat, that comes with a handy-dandy pouch for storage purposes. This hat is a real find. It FOLDS UP. It costs $79.95. A little pricey, but nothing says class like a BRAIDED HATBAND!

Option #2: Stylishly Flamboyant Newsboy.

Over here, we have Roy in a super trendy newsboy cap. In hot pink corduroy, Roy would be the cutest little munch to ever have played 4 different instruments for Bob Dylan's band. I think this hat really brings out his eyes. Roy can afford this one on his musician's salary. It's $5.95 and is a ONE SIZE FITS ALL. Does that include Roy and his hair?

Option 3: Themed Evenings.
Just in case Bob decides to hold a concert on the holy Halloween or Purim, heck, if Roy decides he feels like blending in with his Pirate brethren, this $9.95 wonder would be PERFECT. Roy's sex appeal thermometer just rose 30 degrees when he put THIS hat on!

Come on. Who doesn't LOVE a pirate??

So, you see Roy, THERE WAS NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR LACK OF HEADWEAR.

NO EXCUSE.

"I Didn't Pay $80 To Listen To Your Voice"

Around one week ago, I called up Prince and mentioned in passing how Bob Dylan was coming in town and it would be MAYBE nice to go see him, because it MIGHT be one of his last tours EVER. I didn’t think he actually listened to my ramblings until Tuesday, when he announced that he’d surprised me, and got us tickets.

What I failed to mention to Prince, was that I’m not the BIGGEST Dylan fan. In fact, I probably can NOT name more than 5 Dylan songs. He’s a cultural icon. I wanted to be able to say that I’d been there, even if it was for 4 minutes, before the man kicks the bucket. Needless to say, I was heavily disappointed when I found out the concert would not be 4 minutes long.

Prince and I went with high hopes. SERIOUSLY HIGH HOPES.

Prior to the show, while Prince & I waited for the show to start:

[Ditz:] “Hey, do you think there’s going to be a LIGHT SHOW?”

[Prince:] [Rolls eyes.] “No. I doubt it.”

[Ditz:] “What about PYROTECHNICS??”

Hey. When I go to a concert, I expect to be ENTERTAINED. I want a PACKAGE DEAL of everything that can be done in a two-hour span. LIKE THE SPICE GIRLS. OR CELINE DION. THEY use pyrotechnics. THEY have light shows!

Bob and his band were really SOMETHING ELSE. Bob pretty much had his profile – if not his BACK - to the audience for the vast majority of the show. Know why? Because if you catch him straight on, the man looks like an old grandmother. When he used his harmonica (CAN’T HE JUST HIRE SOMEONE TO DO THAT AT THIS POINT???), he practically needed his oxygen mask afterwards. He WAS BARELY ABLE TO SING.

I read the review of the concert in my local newspaper. Let’s not get into the bulk of his review. What I found rather curious is how he spoke so highly of the BAND.

THE BAND??? THE BAND IN HATS!

There were 2 guitarists, a bassist, a drummer and some IDIOT hiding in the back playing WEIRDO instruments. Apparently there was a costume/outfit motif, and Roy, the resident utility guy in the back, wasn’t included in the memo. The strings section was all wearing matching outfits and hats. The drummer was wearing a hat. BOB was even wearing a hat. And ROY? NO. NO HAT. He just had his hair done that afternoon. No hat was going to COVER THAT FANCY ‘DO UP.

Roy honestly provided ample entertainment for Prince and me, seeing as the show was REALLY NOT THAT GREAT. Roy kept changing instruments with each song. A table-harp thing. A guitar/bass. A violin. But it was pretty obvious that he really just didn’t belong. He looked like a failed wedding singer. Roy. Roy was off on most songs. Constantly leaning over and trying to see what everyone else was doing.

[Band hissing:] “HEY ROY. WHERE’S YOUR HAT?!”

He was MARGINALLY better than Manuelo, the dancing bassist, who managed to upstage EVERYONE with his pelvic-thrust dance moves. He must be REALLY TALENTED if he can manage PELVIC THRUSTS while PLAYING THE BASS. He wasn’t wearing sunglasses like the two guitarists, but Manuelo WAS wearing a bolo tie. Yes. A bolo tie.

The drummer was something else. While he WAS wearing a hat, he wasn’t in a fedora like the REST OF THE GANG. He’s a failed Goth-Rock-Emo band singer. And a part-time sushi chef. In case you were wondering.

While Prince and I were busy having the time of our lives discussing the band’s background, we were RUDELY INTERRUPTED by the UNLOVELY woman sitting in front of us.

“I DIDN’T PAY $80 TO LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE!”

No, you’re right. You paid $80 to watch a relic hang onto something that just IS NOT THERE anymore.

I texted Momma Ditz & Poppa Ditz during the show. I texted each of them separately, because I knew I’d get HILARIOUS responses from both of them.

[Ditz, via text:] Bob Dylan is a total relic.

[Momma Ditz, via text:] That’s why I don’t go!

[Poppa Ditz, via text:] He’s not a rock star

Prince and I walked out before the end of the show. It was just honestly THAT BAD. We didn’t even get to hear Bob address the audience and introduce his band. Whatever. We know them all anyways.

I was punished for this excursion. Prince wants to teach me that I can’t want to do EVERYTHING. During these times of recession, I need to be more selective about our methods of extra-curricular entertainment and/or activities. And truthfully, he’s right. I should not be abusing his discretional income during a recession. I SHOULD be more selective. Prince didn’t make me pay for both tickets. He didn’t make me pay for my ticket. He asked me to pay him for HALF the price of a ticket. I presented it to him, along with the review of the concert. He was really appreciative.

Oh, and by the way, I had skipped CLASS FOR THIS.

How To Be A Glutton

Featuring Prince, Ditz & Chocolate.

2 weekends ago - I was BITCHDITZ and did not advertise - was the Salon Passion de Chocolat at our fine Palais de Congres. Sometimes, Ditz is a rat and keeps things to herself. Worker Bee JUST gave me hell that I didn't tell her, because HER prince would have chocolate intravenous if it was socially acceptable. He says Worker Bee and I cannot be friends anymore. WHATEVER. NOT A LOSS.

(I am slightly kidding.)

For those of you who aren't sure what a SALON PASSION DE CHOCOLAT is, allow me to explain.

What Ditz Thought It Would Be: GIANT FESTIVAL WITH CHOCOLATE FLOWING FROM FOUNTAINS AND CHOCOLATE COVERED EVERYTHINGS TO EAT AND A RIVER OF CHOCOLATE.
What It ACTUALLY Was: A chocolate/jams/wine trade show, featuring Quebec vendors.

And no, WILLY WONKA WAS NOT THERE. Jerk.

So, with this all in mind, I give you Ditz & Prince's Steps to GLUTTONY:

1. Start off your evening with a good piece of Shnitzel. Forget saving room. You need FRIED CHICKEN ENERGY.
2. Enter Show. Notice samples cost $1. IGNORE SIGNS.
3. Stand by Jam/Chocolate Spread station. Try EVERY SINGLE ONE, especially if there are at least 20 flavors.
4. Drink at least 3 complimentary espressos. You need an energy boost after all that JAM.
5. Divide and Conquer for ultimate snacking experience. Tag teams aren't as successful as single SNEAKERS.
6. Notice wine sample stations. Claim you're a restauranteur. Get extra samples. Advance 5 spaces.
7. Don't waste time on cookies. They are useless stomach-fillers.
8. Ignore #7. Everyone loves a good cookie. Or 3.
9. Decide you're not spending money on samples. Ignore booths that make you pay.
10. Try several wines at least thrice. You need to be sure before you purchase.
11. Eat everything free in sight. Don't be ashamed; they KNOW WHY YOU'RE THERE.
12. Buy anything that seems REMOTELY yummy. You won't regret it later.
13. Go out for a leisurely hearty dinner afterwards. You're still hungry, so STOP JUDGING YOURSELF.

Prince bought 3 bottles of wine [apple cider, currant, blueberry]. We have nearly finished one of them.

I bought 4 spreads [chocolate/red peppers/paprika, honey caramel, merlot or something red jelly, strawberry jam] and a bottle of cream apple cider. The honey caramel is nearly finished. I had it once. Methinks Kiddo likes it on toast for breakfast. SHE WOULD.

And This Is Why We Call Me Ditz

Preface:
Momma Ditz decided it was necessary that I start popping VITAMINS like a good girl. I have a FANCY pink pill case. Yes, like your grandparents. I take FISH OIL tablets that look like HORSE TRANQUILIZERS and vitamin D pills. At least that's what I THINK I take. Momma Ditz gave me this beautiful pill case BECAUSE I NEVER REMEMBER TO TAKE MY VITAMINS.

[Please hold while I pop pills.]

Okay.

Momma Ditz - Ditz Verbal Exchange of the Day:

[Ditz:] Question. If I forgot to take my vitamins yesterday, do I take double dosage today?
[Momma Ditz:] Are you retarded? You shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.
[Ditz:] ...... No, seriously.
[Momma Ditz:] No, seriously, you shouldn't be allowed to ever leave the house.

Whatever. I totally had LOGIC behind my idiocy. SLIGHT LOGIC.

Sometimes, I wonder what's going on in Momma Ditz's head when I ask her BRILLIANT and THOUGHT-PROVOKING questions like I did today.

Welcome to Planet Ditz. Population: me.

CAPTION ME.

I hope Prince doesn't see this before I give it to him. FOR HIS FRIDGE. I am the best girlfriend. Ever.

"Lies The Ditz Told Me" - A Third Person Account

Ditz left work early today. Ditz needed her nails did. It's her Thursday-Almost-End-Of-The-Week treat. Ditz usually meets Hello Kitten for afternoon-pre-class primping. It's important to maintain SOME level of personal grooming. That, and look charming for class.

Hello Kitten opted to work on her physical maintenance. Ditz went alone. Normally, Ditz gets to yammer non-stop with Hello Kitten, thus avoiding awkward conversation with the non-English speaking manicurists. NOT THIS TIME. Ditz had to MAKE CONVERSATION. There goes Ditz's quiet-manicure time!

The lovely ManiKitten inquired what Ditz studies in school. Ditz KNEW she wouldn't understand PUBLIC RELATIONS and had zero interest in explaining, so she picked something close. English. Kind of the same thing, BUT NOT REALLY.

[ManiKitten:] "You wanna be teacher? You looka like teacher!"
[Ditz:] "Err, yes! Thanks!"
[ManiKitten:] "Where you do train? You teach!"
[Ditz, thinking hard:] "At private schools!"

Unfortunate conversations of this stature continued until Ditz went to sit with her nails under the magical dryer and was able to avoid life forms by staring at all the varieties of nail polish on the wall above her head.

While this whole shenanigan ensued, Ditz couldn't help but almost WISH she was studying something CONVENTIONAL, something like MATH. Oh, wait. SHE DID THAT ALREADY.

What Ditz apparently "studies/does": English student who wants to be a private high school English teacher.

What Ditz ACTUALLY "studies/does": PR student with a knack for shoes and things that are sparkly.

Oh, right. SAME THING.

IF YOU LIVE ON MARS.

Facebook Chat = LOLZ

I seriously hope Kiddo Ditz-in-Training likes that she's getting a cameo appearance.

I was just Facebooking, as usual, when I noticed one of those PESKY chat boxes pop up. It was Miss Kiddo. Bless her soul, she crops me out of her profile pictures. They learn so fast!

Here's the transcript from our charming, albeit BRIEF conversation:

[Kiddo, 4:07 p.m.:] hi its allison

[Ditz, 4:08 p.m.:] i know
[Ditz, 4:08 p.m.:] it says your name

[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] sorry g2g
[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] bye
[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] bye

I think I may have insulted her by telling her that I knew it was her because the window popped up that SAID HER NAME.

Whatever. She's hilarious.

I STAND CORRECTED

I was misinformed.

I was under the impression that STAR 92.9 FM, everyone's favorite HOLIDAY MUSIC STATION, was going to start their CHRISTMAS MUSIC Nov. 1.

I just checked it out, because it's the SECOND WEEK OF NOVEMBER, and still NO HOLIDAY TUNES.

They're only starting Nov. 24.

JERKS.

Thursday Brings a NEW DITZ HERO

I am infinitely sorry to be kicking Missy Quinn off the Ditz's Hero throne, but that girl needs to get cracking on the baby-making. Her biological clock IS TICKING.

Ditz's Thursday Hero is a very special man, named Martin Eisenstadt. Mr. Eisenstadt is a McCain policy advisor, hailing from the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy. Why is he important? Mr. Eisenstadt is the man responsible for leaking the story to the press that Gov. Sarah Palin [Ditz's actual LIFE hero] needed to be briefed hard on the fact that Africa is a continent.

Martin Eisenstadt does not actually exist. Nor does the organization he supposedly hails from. Martin Eisenstadt and the entire "Palin Doesn't Know What Africa Is" story is an elaborate hoax created by Eitan Gorlin and Dan Mirvish. They're looking to pitch a TV show featuring Martin Eisenstadt.

So, you wonder, why is Martin Eisenstadt a hero?

This story was featured on MSNBC.

AND almost every news media source. AS TRUTH.

What's really priceless is Martin's blog: http://www.eisenstadtgroup.com/ EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE IS CLAIMING HE ISN'T REAL, he's out there trying to prove he's a real person. KUDOS, MARTIN EISENSTADT. KUDOS. Way to assert yourself as a legitimate source of information!

I don't like summing up and giving my kittens a moral. Not everything needs to be wrapped up with a bow. EXCEPT FOR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS.

But, due to the nature of the content, I'll give you some conclusionary morals.

1. Don't believe anything you read online. Okay, fine. Don't believe EVERYTHING that you read online. Just because Wikipedia is THE source of all truths, doesn't mean every other website is.
2. If you're going to invent a new human being and give them "stories" to plant in the media, MAKE SURE nobody finds out what you did. COVER YOUR BUM FOR GOD'S SAKE.
3. The story you leak needs to be believable, i.e. Sarah Palin Doesn't Know What Countries Exist Outside of Alaska OR Sarah Palin Greets McCain Aides in a Towel.
4. If all else fails, just wear a yellow suit. You know how well that worked for Cindy McCain, Jill Biden and Roberta McCain!

FIND ME

Are you a female? Do you moderately enjoy shopping and/or a good deal?

FIND ME THIS WEEK.

Classmate Kitten passed me a stack [that she's so kindly replenishing tonight] of 35% off regular/15% off sale price for La Vie en Rose/Aqua stores. For this week and this week only.

Do you want a coupon? COME FIND ME.

AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER..

It's not.

MORE SAMPLE SALES.

Don't you just LOVE this city? Click on the image for complete information. AREN'T I FANCY NOW?

[Edit: I got the flier!]

3 CHEERS FOR CONSUMERISM!

Ditz = Topical

In light of recent US news, Ditz can't NOT be topical. Instead of telling you how happy I am that Obama won, and how bittersweet I feel about McCain's loss, we're going to discuss something a teeeeensy bit more important.

WHO WORE WHAT and WHO LOOKED BEST.

What were you expecting? Do you KNOW who I am?!

Section 1: Attack of the Yellow Suits

Did Jill Biden miss the memo that yellow is the REPUBLICAN color du jour? Someone shoot her stylist. She would've blended in better with the Republicans. Roberta McCain is one bitter battle-axe. Why? Not because her precious son lost the election, BUT BECAUSE HIS WIFE, THAT UNGRATEFUL SOUR PATCH KID, IS ALSO WEARING YELLOW. And a BETTER yellow outfit at that. Roberta would rather be watching Matlock with a jar of prunes than be standing next to Cindy in competing YELLOW.

1 point for Cindy McCain for rocking a delicious Oscar de la Renta suit, SIMILAR BUT NOT EXACTLY THE SAME as that OTHER yellow Oscar frock she wore.

Section 2: It's Not Prom So Why Are You In Sequins

Meghan, Meghan, Meghan. I love your blog. I love your CUTE stylish outfits. ALWAYS. BUT WHAT IS THIS ATTROCITY?? It's not PROM. IT'S THE DAY YOUR FATHER ALMOST MADE IT INTO OFFICE. Sweetheart, don't wear dresses that match your hair. Not cute. No.

Section 3: Mrs. President Loves Red

Everyone is giving Miche Obama crap about her frock. HELLO? THE WOMAN NORMALLY WEARS H&M DRESSES. This is a Narciso Rodriguez. This is a big step for the First Lady who is a generally SMART SHOPPER. She even matched the kinderlach to her frock. AND Barack-You-Like-A-Hurricane's tie. I think she looked supercute. Okay, so the dress is not THE most flattering, but come on. Let's give the woman some props for going designer!

Section 4: I Can See Russia From My Home

Alaska's favorite beauty queen shimmers in a lovely navy blue suit, coordinated to match - not clash - with Cindy McCain. Palin's Republican "stylists" opted to downplay her obvious assets and make sure her outfit didn't outshine Cindy's. We know Sarah is sexy, but SHE WOULDN'T BE SEXIER THAN THE FIRST LADY because NOBODY is allowed to TOP the first lady!

So, let's rank the choice ladies of Election Night 2008. From top to bottom, WHO LOOKED BEST:

1. Sarah Palin - OBVIOUSLY. She can do NO WRONG. NEVER.
2. Jill Biden - uncoordinated with her party, but ADORABLE AS ALL HECK.
3. Cindy McCain - Oscar de la Renta would shoot her if she wasn't in the top 3.
4. Michelle Obama - props for her designer choice, let's see what she pulls out of her hat for INAUGURATION DAY.
5. Meghan McCain - not prom, but doable. Go return the 17 dresses you bought for inauguration day. It's just not happening.
6. Roberta McCain - stop trying to steal Cindy's spotlight, IT WAS HER DAY.

See? Sometimes I care what's going on in the world. SOMETIMES.

Ditz's Hero Of The Month - NEW SERIES

[This will be a new series if I remember to do so. And/or if my precious kittens love it.]



Hello Kitten is a gem. While she IS a general hero to most - always looks top notch, never has a bad day, glorious specimen in general - she is NOT this month's hero. She INTRODUCED me to this month's hero.



OR SHOULD I SAY HEROINE.



Allow me to introduce you to Missy Quinn. Missy Quinn is 16. Missy Quinn hails from what the Brits call a Caravan Community. That's GYPSY to us laymen. Missy Quinn is easily the only 16 year old bride who's had THIS MUCH PRESS. See that picture? That's Missy Quinn in her wedding "gown". She's my hero. Why? Because her father paves driveways, and her mother is a Glamour Model, and Missy aspires to be a Glamour Model and hasn't been in formal - NO, actual - school since she was 9. Lucky for us, Missy Quinn can't read any of the beautiful articles everyone's been writing about her. Missy Quinn's wedding to a 17 year old chap she met at a theme park (she was showing him a "good time" on the Tilt-a-Whirl, and he won her a stuffed parrot) cost her hard-workin' folks a mighty £100,000 [according to today's currency converter, is $184,777.76 Canadian]. That's a heck of a lot of driveways to be paved, Missy!



Okay, fine. I'll admit it. I AM TOTALLY JEALOUS OF THIS CONCOCTION THAT SHE CALLS A DRESS. I want a two-piece dress that weighs so much that I can't stand up. I want every single guest at my wedding to have to help yank me out of the Rolls-Royce Phantom limo because my "dress" is too big. I want people marveling at how many Swarovski crystals are embedded in my flesh.



I JUST WANT A GIANT TIARA AND A GIANT SWAROVSKI CRYSTAL BOUQUET.


Say Cheese! GROUP PHOTO! That hot broad on the far left is Missy Quinn's mother, Theresa. She's 33. SHE married her precious husband at 16 years of age. You do the math.



Papa Bear Simon Quinn's quote just sums up the entire affair.

“I’m very proud of her today.”

And you know what, Simon? We are too.

Visa, It's Back to Witness Protection For You.

OK. SERIOUSLY.

I have a zillion better things to talk about but before I even get REMOTELY started, let's talk about the anxiety attack I had yesterday afternoon, between 1:30 p.m. and 2:45 p.m.

There were rumors that this gem wasn't really opening. I feared HARDCORE that it was an urban legend and that the emails they were sending me WEREN'T REAL.

THANK GOD I WAS WRONG.

The folks who bring us the elusive Juicy sample sale ACTUALLY opened up an outlet store. I naturally went on opening day. I was overwhelmed for a solid 30 minutes. IT'S THE BEST STORE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

Let's do a walkaround of what this haven has:

• A wall of DENIM. ALL SIZES.
• 1 gigantic table of Juicy track suits. EVERY COLOR IN THE GODDAMN RAINBOW. Terry, fleece, velour. THEY'RE ALL THERE. EVERY. SIZE.
• 1 gigantic table of 1-of-a-kind Juicy sample suits [majority size small- NOT PETITE, but small] - these are more novelty ones.
• 1 table of Ed Hardy and other novelty tshirts.
• 1 table of Vince cashmere and James Perse and other goodies.
• An area for trendy children's clothing.
• A large region of MEN'S stuff. [SEE? I sometimes care for the men!]
• All along one wall, dresses, sportswear, blouses, EVERYTHING.

I DID NOT KNOW WHERE TO START.

The wall of assorted hanged goodies is primarily last season overstock from Abe & Mary's. Like all those delicious cocktail dresses? HALF PRICE.

Prince? Let's go somewhere fancy. I WANT TO GET NEW PARTY DRESSES.

Kittens, this store is out of control. IN A GOOD WAY.

I know you're wondering what I left with. A black terry Juicy suit. Boring, I know. A teal CASHMERE Juicy suit. That's right. CASHMERE. A GLORIOUS Juicy silk printed full mini skirt.

That image is a SCREENCAP of the email they'd sent me. It has the address on it. RUN, DON'T WALK.

They seriously have the most enthusiastic staff I've ever encountered. I had not one, but TWO kittens helping me search for matching cashmere. TWO. AND they were SUPER NICE about it. "Oh, if we come across this color and you're still here, we'll hang onto it for you."

SURE, THEY JUST LOVE WHEN I SPEND MONEY.

Oh, and they're going to be getting in new shipments. Every week.

MORE SAMPLE SALEAGE.

This is probably the reason that our Lord upstairs put blogging into my hands. TO TELL EVERYONE WHEN/WHERE TO GET GOOD DEALS.

I truthfully have not gone to ANY this season. SORRY. NOT HAPPENING. I AM TOO POOR FOR THAT. I'm really just saving my pennies to surprise myself with a gigantic birthday present. For myself. From somewhere fancy.

So, without further ado, here's what I've got this week:

Ponyride Agency [home to Sweetees, Necessary Objects and a pile of other brands] is having a majority Ladieswear only sale. CASH ONLY.
225 Chabanel, suite 405 : Thursday, Nov. 6 & Friday, Nov. 7, 9 a.m. - 8 p.m.

Surplus Sunglasses [Tom Ford, Dior, Gucci, Ray Ban, Marc Jacobs & more] -> I went to this one last spring and bought two pairs of sunglasses. It's pretty great if you love sunglasses! They take ALL FORMS of payment!
5249 de la Savane/corner Decarie: Thursday, Nov. 13 & Friday, Nov. 14: 10 a.m. - 9 p.m. and Saturday, Nov. 15 & Sunday, Nov. 16: 12 p.m. - 5 p.m.

Nuage is outerwear. Coats. I've actually gone there before for coats. Click on the image for the information!

This one my mum sent me. Again, check the image for details. Canadian designers! Free Parking!

Go shop! YAY CONSUMERISM!

I NEVER Do This...

...SO KNOW THAT IT'S SPECIAL.



I don't ADORE posting TONS of pictures of myself. At least not on my blog. However, given the circumstances of last night and a certain Ditz's costume, I can't NOT share.


I was your mother's worst nightmare. Or Miley Cyrus in 6 months. Or Jamie-Lynn Spears. Or Bristol Palin. Whatever!


Prince was a Greek Wedding Singer. He had the best dance moves at the Blue Dog. AND the best facial hair.


My mother didn't LOVE my costume. She told me to remove my belly so the neighbors wouldn't talk.

HAPPY INAUGURAL HOLIDAY MUSIC DAY!