AnecDitz: Style, Sarcasm & Such

I'll Take a Side of SALT with that BURN, Please.

2010-02-04T00:23:00.005-05:00

I got a beautiful envelope in the mail today. It was from one of my former places of employment, a government-run health & social services clinic. I used to work there as a receptionist, on and off since 2003. Long time, I know.

You would think that an organization that had employed me for say, 7 years, would have a good idea as to who I am.

WRONG - O.

You'd think that their human resources department would be able to differentiate between names typically given to men, versus names typically given to females, right?

NOPE. INCORRECT.

(I smudged out my address for privacy's sake... and plus, I'm not interested in invoking my mother's infamous "PRIVACY AND THE INTERNET" speech, TYVM. If you want to send me postcards, chain letters [REMEMBER THOSE?!] or packages, you may email me privately for my address. I like mail. NOT THIS KIND, BUT GENERALLY, YES.)

Sorry, okay. Do we see the problem here? MONSIEUR JACLYN. As in MISTER.

I understand that this is a French-speaking organization, and I understand that in the normal part of the world, "Jaclyn" is commonly spelled "Jacqueline" (or some variant of that). But really? This envelope contained a letter pretty much excommunicating me from this clinic (not in a bad way, I swear) and detailing when I worked there and for how long and informed me that I no longer work for them - AND I WON'T IN THE FUTURE. So not only did they CALL ME A MAN, but they ALSO reminded me that my tenure with them is O-V-E-R.

For the record, my name is spelled JACLYN because I was named after Jaclyn Smith, of Charlie's Angels & K-Mart sassy clothes collection fame. Clearly that HR rep never caught an episode of Charlie's Angels. You can't mistake Jaclyn Smith for a MAN.

Now, on the topic of BURNS, I guess I should share a funny/unfunny. It's a good news/bad news type of deal. I've been plagued, as I say, with mild psoriasis since as far back as I can remember. It's not always been a treat. Wearing pants in the summer or explaining why it looks like I have a bunch of mosquito bites on my knees was hardly ever fun. I'm lucky, in a sense, that it's always been fairly manageable. This year, for whatever reason, it started getting out of hand, and a new dermatologist recommended I start undergoing UVB treatment - which is essentially fake tanning, but healthy, covered by medicare and extremely beneficial for my skin.

I go 2-3 times a week, and I'm almost done my treatment and the results are just unreal. It's fantastic, which is good news. Because it's UVB lights, I also get a SLIGHT tan from my continued treatment - also good news.

Here's the bad news: too much exposure can cause a bit of a sunburn.

My entire body is sunburnt. My face has these fantastic marks from where my protective goggles lie. My arms are in this perma-Barbie arms position, straightening them out HURTS. My back? A MESS. My mother had to rub aloe on my back before. DIDN'T HELP. My nose hurts when I wrinkle it. Classic nose burn. I guess it's kind of funny, given that it's FEBRUARY and I did NOT spend my holidays down South.

BUT REALLY, IT'S NOT. I AM IN AN AWKWARD AMOUNT OF PAIN.

The fabulous part though, is that my skin isn't even red. It's just this heavenly deep tan. Guess I shouldn't complain much, right?

And on a SHOPPING Note...

2010-01-15T15:44:00.007-05:00

I admittedly enjoy online shopping more than I should. It's just easy, you know? Click, buy, mail, package, FUN!! I have memberships at all the big online flash sale shops: Gilt/Fuse, Hautelook, RueLaLa (even though they don't ship to Canada, I like to look!!), Beyond the Rack. When I decided to curb my spending (unemployment does that to you), I deactivated all daily/weekly/monthly emails from all of the above sites, except BTR - they're Canadian, I couldn't - to resist temptation. The less I see, the less I buy, right?

Wrong.

I still totally order occasionally from BTR. I have some goodies from La Fee Verte hopefully coming next week. I had $10 credit AND they were selling bustiers for $22. That's beyond cheaper than even the plainest one at Victoria's Secret OR La Senza. AND I have a La Senza discount card. Still a better deal.

BTR is disappointing on most days. A J Brand denim sale sounds amazing, but it'll have 4 pairs of jeans - and priced at $129+. Not awesome, BTR. They had a "Designer Handbag Clearance". Mega SNORE. Miu Miu bags over $600. Ancient Balenciaga bags over $1000. Clearance? ON WHAT PLANET?!

I visited Hautelook 2 days ago, for the first time in months, just to have a peek at what I've been missing. THEY had a "Designer Handbag Clearance". (Click images to enlarge and to induce indigestion)

I visited it probably 12 hours too late. While I may NOT be in the market for a new Fendi purse, had I logged into Hautelook on time, I'd probably be having a GLORIOUS photoshoot involving me smooching a brand-spanking-new Fendi bag.

I guess it's all for the best, right? A Fendi would take my love away from every other materialistic/designer thing I own. My smooches should be reserved for my Prince.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

I'VE BEEN KICKING MYSELF IN THE SHINS EVER SINCE I SAW WHAT I'D MISSED.

And yes. Those ARE the real prices. $200 range. NOT. FAIR.

2010 - New Year/I'm Back?

2010-01-15T10:59:00.003-05:00

So it's not exactly NEWS anymore that we've hit a new decade. WHOOPIE-DOO. Even though it's been two weeks since New Year's, I've been itching and trying to formulate a great 'Welcome Back to Blogging, Anecditz' post.

That's right. I'm back.

With 2009 over, and a new decade on the loose, I decided that I'd had enough of my own time-wasting. 2010, for me, is all about finishing what I've started, and taking on new challenges. I turned 26 at the end of 2009, and I looked around and realized that time isn't slowing down, and I've watched countless friends pass me by in their "success".

2009 wasn't a waste for me, don't get me wrong. I met my soul mate in 2008, and we cultivated our love in 2009. Now, in 2010, we anxiously await our next steps together. I finished my Certificate in Public Relations in 2009, making me "capable" of practicing PR. That's the first post-CEGEP academic accomplishment I can claim, and I am darn proud. 2009 marked my return to my undergrad. 2010 will mark my triumphant program switch, from Mathematics & Statistics (really? Yes.) to Journalism. Still debating between Broadcast and Print.

I paid a pretty penny in 2009 for the building and domain purchase of my other blog, Craft with Jackie, and I disappointed both myself AND readers by not posting aggressively or at all. I think I wrote 10 posts. (Okay, I checked - 21 posts. Still not impressive AT ALL.)

And so, for my own sanity's sake, my New Year's resolution/personal goal is to finish what I've started.

Things I need to finish/continue, in no particular order:

Blogs. Both of them.
Keeping my closets clean. Both of them.
Bachelor's Degree. Any discipline other than Math that drives my soul. That means Journalism. Or Culinary school. Or Clown College.
Being lazy and not taking care of my body. That means Wii Fit. Yoga. Treadmill. Whatever.
My love for the kitchen. Baking.
Get a job in my field. PR. Writing. Anything!

2010 marks a new beginning. Instead of this blog chronicling my bad-ass shopping addiction - that I am SLOWLY working on curbing - it'll follow my changes. Getting in shape. Finishing school. Feeding my Love baked treats.

Okay, and yes. Shopping.

"Is Butter a Carb?"

2009-10-09T12:09:00.002-04:00

Today's lesson:

"When lending out DVDs or books [or clothing for that matter], make yourself a list of what's gone out IN THE EVENT THAT IT NEVER COMES BACK."

I lent a friend a pile of DVDs and books approximately over a year ago. It took over 6 months to get 4 of the books back. I was overly gracious and overly confident - at the time - and didn't bother writing down what was lent. BIG MISTAKE.

I don't even know what's missing anymore. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (book, not DVD) never came back, but the other 3 books in the series did. Thirteen (movie featuring Evan Rachel Wood and Nikki Reed - fantastic) is missing from my collection, but Summer Sisters, the BEST Judy Blume book since Forever... came back in one piece.

But really, those are the only things I can identify.

Why is this even a problem? I keep taking trips to Wal-Mart (like I will be later this afternoon) and I always saunter by the cheapie DVD racks, DYING to look through. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M MISSING AND WHAT TO REPLACE.

I have the most obnoxious DVD collection ever. It's 99% BAD girlie movies from the 80s-90s.
[Sidenote: I just glanced at the shelves - I am also missing Say Anything - John Cusack at his finest.] Ugh. It drives me bonkers that I just don't know what's missing.

So, today's lesson: WRITE THINGS DOWN. KEEP INVENTORY. Why? Because when you lose touch with the person who has your treasured books/DVDs, you're going to want to replace them. Stat.

"But THAT Should TOTALLY Work"

2009-10-07T16:36:00.002-04:00

Due to a lack of French Vanilla coffee pods in my kitchen, and the fact that regular coffee sends me to the bathroom faster than a McDonald's cheeseburger, I put a splash of chocolate milk in my afternoon coffee.

Yes, in addition to both regular milk AND sugar.

Result?

Delicious central.

Secondary result?

Bathroom expedition took approximately 50% less time than a usual coffee.

AWESOME!!!

Things That Are Annoying

2009-10-07T00:31:00.003-04:00

Out of the 4 courses I am taking this semester, only one has a final exam. It's NOT annoying that I only have one exam and that I wish I had more - my one exam takes place on December 23rd, at 2 p.m., a.k.a. the last possible day for exams, or, I do not get to possibly go on vacation (or enter hibernation) until the last possible day.
My top-notch cute as a button awesome -and only- black leather jacket has mysteriously grown a slight tear on its sleeve. How that got there, BEATS ME. What am I going to do about it? Fix it. How? Let's not go there. It's going to be a long documented trial. Any ideas?

I Know How I Feel About Fakes...

2009-09-27T20:04:00.002-04:00

But really, I'm willing to cave.

We all saw the SATC movie. We all fell in love with Manolo Blahnik's "Something Blue". With a price tag of $945 USD, I cannot rationalize that purchase EVER. I'd sell all my purses in exchange for these. Forget that they were featured in the movie - I couldn't care less. It's that cobalt blue satin color that reeled me in. The classic shape. The TO-DIE-FOR jeweled buckle.

$945 is still WAY over budget, especially when shoe budget is between $5 and $25 these days. NOT MUCH I CAN BUY WITH THAT.

And, despite being fervently morally opposed to anything NOT real, I came across these guys and have signed up for an email notification for when my size will be available. IF EVER.

These are the real Something Blues:Excuse me while I mop up my drool puddle.

And these self-loathing Martinez Valero "Zenith" pumps are the knock-offs:

At $159.99 USD, these guys aren't such a bargoon either, but I'm plenty positive that blowing 2 bills on shoes is SLIGHTLY more reasonable than blowing close to 10 bills on the real ones.

Now, before ANYONE jumps down my throat for promoting fakes, let's play a round of clarifications:

I am NOT suggesting anyone purchase shoes from those "cheap" Louboutin/Manolo sites - those are fully fake and for LOSERS.
These pumps are really seasonal and trendy. By the time the next SATC movie comes out, there'll be a new Manolo endorsement.
I own ONE pair of actual Manolos, so DON'T JUDGE ME for wanting these.
Nobody should pay full price for things featured in a movie.

And speaking of shoesies, I ventured into Aldo for the first time in ages [lies, I bought awesome MBMJ-inspired lace-up booties over the summer] and they have AWESOME shoes in. Like even better for seasonal trends than Steve Madden, when we all know that SM knocks off EVERY designer shoe on the planet. Aldo, while they knock off EVERYTHING too - for some odd reason - seems to have hit the fall shoe nail on the head with great shoes. I was heavily impressed.

http://www.aldoshoes.com/ca-eng/women/boots/tall-boots/75426698-velardi/97 those guys? AWESOME. Over the knee AND heeled AND platformed. Delicious. You can just call me Vivian.

http://www.aldoshoes.com/ca-eng/women/pumps/almond-toe/76343755-fawson/12 the grey and taupe are suede. I used all my self-restraint and didn't even TRY these on, for fear I'd leave with them. Too yummy!!!

Of course, since shoesies that are YUMMY and cute and exciting aren't in this week's budget, I settled my shopping craving at Old Navy. With this dress. At $20 CAD + tax, I couldn't resist. I grabbed it in the grey/black combo. Adorable central!!! Now if I only had some beautifully fabulous thigh-high boots to go with it...

Group Projects - Revisited

2009-09-23T10:05:00.002-04:00

This semester marks my beautiful return to school. Not that I haven't been taking classes now for a good 2 years, but I am now taking more than 2 a semester.

Two of my four classes INSIST on multiple group projects. I am really just not the biggest group-project fan. I've had more than one terrible experience, including one where 3 of my 4 group members ABANDONNED THE CLASS without any warning, leaving my 5-man group a duo. I've had to write reports on group members who were completely uncooperative. I've had group members use BABELFISH to translate their work.

The upside - that may also be a downside - is that all of my groups are premade by my professors. Which can be amazing, because if the group is crap, I can bark at my professor with reason. It's particularly awesome in the class that I don't know anyone in. No last-one-chosen-for-the-team for me!

Which brings me to this...

In this particular class, where I have no friends - YET - we have a presentation tonight that was assigned last week. It's a "quick & dirty" presentation, as my professor so willingly dubbed it, and it's worth no more than 5% of my final grade. Totally don't care.

We were split into groups, and my group has 6 other members, making us a petite group of SEVEN PEOPLE. It actually worked out pretty fantastic - everyone volunteered for specific tasks. I am presenting, obviously.

Because we had a week to prepare for this, we all agreed that we would not meet in person (7 people to coordinate is a pain. Even organizing 4 people is tough), and we'd just correspond via email. Sounds normal and fair, right?

WRONG-O.

My group has been sending emails galore. I have responded to a bunch, with QUESTIONS of my own. NOBODY ACKNOWLEDGES MY EMAILS OR ANSWERS THEM.

Prime example:

Since I am presenting, and doing not much else, I've offered at least 5 times to make a Power Point presentation.
"Would anyone like me to make a power point?"
"Do you think we need a power point?"
"Is someone making a power point presentation?"
"Should I make some mock-up slides to work with?"
"CAN SOMEONE ANSWER ME SO I CAN POSSIBLY DO SOMETHING?"

Last night, in one of the group emails, one girl had the NERVE to write
"Also is anyone putting together any audio visual material together?"

To which I threw my laptop across the room, shrieked, and then casually responded, TODAY, that I have no problem making slides, BUT TO PLEASE INFORM ME BY NOON SO I CAN ACTUALLY DO IT.

Nobody has responded yet. It's like I JUST DON'T EXIST.

Meanwhile, it seems like I'll be spending my day brushing up on E. Cora Hind's personal life & biography, so at least I won't look like a total douchebag when I have to present tonight.

And on ANOTHER Note...

2009-09-22T20:33:00.002-04:00

On a completely other note, non-blog/spam/anger related, I am taking my first major step in the art of not-shopping and saving money.

Okay, fine, my SECOND step. Step 1 was to unsubscribe from online sample sale website email notifications. Thanks, RueLaLa, but I don't need to see all the yummy things for sale THAT I CAN'T HAVE NOT ONLY BECAUSE I AM POORSVILLE, BUT BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO SHIP TO THE COUNTRY NORTH OF YOUR BORDER. Hautelook asked me to write a paragraph on why I don't want their emails anymore. I wrote something to the effect of "I am trying to stop spending money and I want to avoid temptation AND YOUR STUFF IS PRETTY PRICEY ANYWAYS." I'm pretty sure Gilt Group(e?) purposefully made their unsubscribing thingy crappy so I can't actually stop getting their emails. Revolve newsletters pissed me off from the beginning because UNLIKE shopbop, they do NOT have coupon codes often or FUN promotions. THAT is why shopbop still gets my email-love. Beyond the Rack also gets to stay because they're from Montreal. And I've had 3 successful orders from them. Which I shall not mention... CHEAP JBRAND JEANS AND CHEAP MIMI AND COCO TOPS AND CHEAP ED HARDY SCARVES. Whoops...

Right - back on track...

Step two is returning over-priced items to Urban Outfitters that A. don't fit so well [see ill-fitting skirt, exhibit A] and B. are pretty, but really useless considering the style [see fancy printed top that I really don't want to return because it's so pretty and stylish and trendy but I am going to return it because I am a really good girl who needs to save her pennies, exhibit B].

You know what, Urban Outfitters? YOU ARE VERY OVERPRICED FOR WHAT YOU ARE SELLING.

Thankfully, my F21 experience was so MIZ, that I won't even be REMOTELY tempted to take my return $$$ and head over to blow it on CRAP. No, I'll just put it in the bank and then open up my computer and ORDER THE 3 CARDIGANS FROM F21 ONLINE.

Maybe.

Spam Commenting = THORN. IN. MY. SIDE.

2009-09-22T19:59:00.002-04:00

I get a TON of spam comments on my other blog - http://www.craftwithjackie.com . Like not your average run-of-the-mill spam. I just moderated through 60+ comments - 3-5 were approved. 60 were SPAM. So, what's included in the spam category?

Russian PORNOGRAPHY links.

Russian COMMENTS.

Casino/gambling websites.

"Prescription" drug links.

And, my favorite, a SPAM CONVERSATION, which, of course, I shall transcribe for everyone's reading pleasure. These guys were all supposed to be comments on the SAME POST. [Note that at first glance, some can KIND OF be mistaken for real comments - until you realize that the signature on each one is a SPAM LINK. That, and they all come from the same IP address. See? NOT SO STUPID AFTER ALL.]

Submitted on 2009/09/14 at 5:09am
Despite…

Submitted on 2009/09/14 at 9:04am
Here you are!

Submitted on 2009/09/14 at 12:53pm
Frankly speaking

Submitted on 2009/09/14 at 4:35pm
Vice versa.

Submitted on 2009/09/14 at 8:14pm
I am ever so sorry!

Submitted on 2009/09/15 at 12:47am
Let me see…

Submitted on 2009/09/15 at 4:18am
It`s OK!

Submitted on 2009/09/15 at 7:53am
I am ever so sorry!

Submitted on 2009/09/15 at 11:40am
OK.

Submitted on 2009/09/15 at 3:37pm
Well

Submitted on 2009/09/15 at 8:44pm
Have a good weekend!

Submitted on 2009/09/16 at 2:10am
You are welcome!

Submitted on 2009/09/16 at 5:42am
In half an hour in two days,

Submitted on 2009/09/16 at 9:43am
Hopefully…

Submitted on 2009/09/16 at 2:15pm
Oh, what weather!

Submitted on 2009/09/16 at 6:16pm
Can I have a hug?

Submitted on 2009/09/16 at 11:30pm
Is this the way to the library?

Submitted on 2009/09/17 at 6:17am
The point is that…

Submitted on 2009/09/17 at 1:42pm
Can you tell me …, please

I get comment notification emails - obviously - and before I cleverly figured out it was spam galore, I was confused as heck. I couldn't understand for the LIFE OF ME why people were leaving weirdo comments, and worse, WHY SOMEONE ELSE WAS SAYING "THANK YOU" FOR ME. I GET TO SAY "THANK-YOU".

On that note, I DO like comments.

JUST NOT ONES THAT ARE STUPID AND POSSIBLY SPAM-RELATED.

Forever 21 Opens In Town - WHOOPIE DOO

2009-09-18T18:22:00.004-04:00

I've only been buzzing about this for MINIMUM ONE YEAR.

The opening came and went two weeks ago, and, in an effort to avoid mobs of 14 year old girls in skinny jeans and heavy eyeliner, I waited until today to make my visit.

Umm, two words: DISAPPOINTMENT and SNORE.

I made the mistake of really REALLY hyping myself up. I scoured the Canadian website [FYI: we Canadians don't get even CLOSE to all the fab stock the U.S. gets, see our website for proof] and made myself like 7 mock-up shopping carts of items I wanted to find and possibly try on/buy. I was reasonable - 3 cardigans, 1 skirt, 1 jumper, a belt and 2 head-accessories. It didn't even cross my mind once that I MAY need a back-up plan - I was looking ideally for some new Jew-Holiday outfits AND some fun wardrobe "essentials". Let's talk about how it was.

Here's the good: I took my sister on a fantastic bonding afternoon of chaotic shopping. Forever 21 has 2 floors of clothes. The upstairs has "fancy" clothes - i.e. the trashy party dresses, endless tutu-style miniskirts, sequins galore. The main floor has everything else. Tons of twelve-by-twelve. Piles of jewelry.

Here's the bad: ON AN EARLY FRIDAY AFTERNOON, WHEN KIDS SHOULD BE IN SCHOOL, THE STORE WAS MOBBED BY TEENAGE "HIPSTERS". Not a single item from my "wish list" was found. 7492 different styles of PLAID SHIRTS [FYI - I am not so into that whole look, yet]. Twelve-by-twelve was TAPPED OUT. Sizes? TAPPED OUT. Jewelry? TAPPED OUT. Belts? LIKE 4 STYLES TOTAL. Oh, did I mention about 50 different varieties of LEGGINGS? 2 FULL sections of THIS loser dress IN EVERY COLOR [it's okay for summer time, and I get its purpose, but it's September and it's already chilly and this dress was STILL FULL PRICE]. Packed dressing rooms. Oh, and NOTHING FROM MY WISH LIST. NOT EVEN THE BELT.

What did I actually end up getting?
This stupid headband, when I really wanted this one.
This necklace - which is admittedly pretty fun, who doesn't love feathers?
A necklace I can't find on either website - faux pearls with big metal flower things - it's cute.
And a huge colorful jeweled cuff bracelet that hurts to put on and hurts to take off... when I really wanted this one.

While I was waiting in line to pay, there were two MAYBE 18 year old French-Canadian girls behind me yapping about getting wasted all weekend. SNORE. Funny part was that they kept making fun of bib necklaces and calling them UGLY and HORRIBLE. IRONY - THOSE ARE SO TRENDY AND HOT AND COOL for fall. Those two morons will be wearing the Urban Behavior knockoffs next fall. They were also saying how once the hype dies down, F21 will be empty. Yeah, right. F21 is NEVER empty.

It was a GIGANTIC disappointment. I'm not even posting links of the things I WANTED that I could not find. Too sad.

Truthfully, one of the surprisingly friendly workers (most were obnoxious and ignored me) told me new stock comes in Mondays/Tuesdays. She also told me that ordering online is a breeze and it comes in 2-3 days. SHOULD'VE TOLD ME THAT LAST WEEK.

As soon as I'm a little more flush (Beyond The Rack.com owns my soul right now), I will probably order those cardigans... along with everything else I missed!!!

Over-Enthusiastic Salesgirl = TRAUMA

2009-08-24T12:52:00.004-04:00

OR
Why I am cautiously avoiding the ONLY Betsey Johnson store in Montreal.

Admittedly, I took a much-needed blogging break. I was/am lazy. That's my only excuse. However, I return with the story of a lifetime - at least I think it is!

For a change, I have a string of fancy events that required major outfit calculations. Mostly heavy accessorizing, because my closet is FULL of cute/fun/fancy wear. So, in my outfit conceptualization - yes, that's right, I make outfit CONCEPTS before execution - I decided that for event #1, an outdoor engagement party, I would wear my beloved Betsey Johnson polka dotted tulle skirt, a loose silky camisole and a chunky necklace. I figured I'd pick up a new necklace - or earrings or whatever - at one of two fun places: Aqua Skye or Betsey Johnson.

Aqua Skye was an easy store to get in and out of. The salesgirls, though helpful, felt it necessary to only show me merchandise OVER $300 - WAY beyond my budget, thank you very much - and the more "reasonably" priced jewelry was STILL too expensive and I honestly couldn't see myself wearing anything. Hit or miss, that Aqua Skye.

Enter Betsey Johnson.

Allow me to preface by saying that this store can DO NO WRONG. I love the cupcake dresses, I love the kitsch, I LOVE the bows and tulle and polka dots. Betsey Johnson was made for me. Truth be told, the vast majority of my Betsey merchandise hails from Winners, not the flagship. Whatever - a deal's a deal! Also, I am QUEEN of talking it up with salespeople. I LOVE a good store-merch conversation. I know my stuff - mostly, or I heavily pretend like I do - and I love a good chitchat. The Betsey staff are usually overly aggressive and friendly, yet tolerable. That being said, I was NOT prepared for this.

Within an instant of walking into the empty-except-for-two-clerks store, the female clerk RAN UP TO ME and shoved a purse in my face, shrieking "OH MY GOD ISN'T THIS THE CUTEST PURSE EVER? WE JUST GOT IT IN ISN'T IT CUTE????"

To which, I was confused, but appeased her and told her it was very nice (it was okay at best).

I then sauntered to the sales racks - that's where a recessionista fashionista goes first! - and the clerk FOLLOWED ME and exclaimed, "JUST SO YOU KNOW WE HAVE MORE SIZES IN THE BACK AND THESE TWO RACKS ARE THE SALES RACKS!!!!"

Well, duh. It's not the first time I've set foot into your store.

I figured I'd been aloof enough to keep her away. I wasn't. Because I was in the shopping zone, and because I was just plain trying to ignore her, I didn't pay attention when she said "SO, DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THIS WEEKEND??"

I turned around, and saw her standing about an inch away from my nose. The following is exact verbatum of the conversation that ensued:

"Umm, are you talking to me???"

"YA!! SO ARE YOU GOING OUT THIS WEEKEND??"

"I think so."

"WHERE TO? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO A BEACH? ARE YOU GOING TO SIT BY THE POOL? ARE YOU GOING TO GO TAN AND ENJOY THE SUMMER HEAT????"

"I don't know."

To which, I thought she MAY have gotten the hint. I honestly had originally thought she was talking to the other salesperson. Why would this LUNATIC engage me in heavy conversation, when I was clearly ignoring her?

I continued on my way around the store, casually looking at what was new. I literally ran my fingers over this dress - NO I'M NOT CRAZY AND 16 AND I WAS NOT GOING TO EVEN TRY IT ON, I WAS JUST CURIOUS ABOUT THE BOW (which is fully detachable and cute, FYI) - and the NUTCASE barked across the store,

"OH MY G-D THAT'S THE CUTEST DRESS EVER IT'S SO CUTE OH MY G-D YOU SHOULD TOTALLY TRY IT ON IT WOULD LOOK SO AWESOME ON YOU OH MY G-D IT'S SO CUTE!!!!!"

I swear I'm not exaggerating.

And with that, I ran - not walked - out of the store faster than you can say CREEP.

I actually never got to look at their jewelry case.

NEW BLOG - Have YOU Visited Yet?

2009-04-02T19:19:00.001-04:00

http://www.craftwithjackie.com

That's my new blog - Craft with Jackie.

Bookmark that.
Go visit.

Signs From Beyond

2009-03-04T13:06:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, I think there are alternate life forms living in my cave of a room.

I've been anxiously prepping my life for my new blog launch. This process has taken to including reading craft magazines (like actual print magazines - so 4 years ago, right?), craft blogs, fashion blogs (okay, I STILL want to go shopping - truth: I am hastily trying to locate a super cute pair of open-toe ankle booties with less than a 4 inch heel under $100 - help please?), buying TONS of funny craft supplies, going through all of my existing craft supplies, taking inventory of weird items to be potentially recycled, and, of course, the most important: cleaning off my general mess of a desk to have a good crafting-working-writing surface.

Here's some background information. I have an awesome IKEA desk with a huuuge surface and 4 drawers underneath that faces my window. Most people who've visited my room wouldn't notice my desk at first glance - it's been conveniently hidden under stacks of books, DVDs, CDs (yes - I sometimes still use those), pens, markers, makeup, jewelry, pictures and god only knows what else. The drawers have become a hiding spot for anything I don't feel like dealing with - old Visa bills, old midterms, random stationery, old birthday cards, that sort of stuff. If I said I could give you an exact inventory of the 4 drawers, I'd be viciously lying through my teeth. My desk hasn't been used for anything of value - other than a super large vanity when it's makeup application time - in a solid year - MINIMUM. I also have this super great desk lamp attached to the side of the desk that gives awesome light - except the light bulb burnt out ages ago and I was wayyy too lazy to change it... or so I thought.

A few days ago - without any warning - I tackled cleaning my desk. Threw out tons of garbage, put all my cosmetics in one place, all my accessories into a bag and organized my "important" paperwork. Really cleaned off my surface. I found some really quirky things that I forgot I had - typical. While I was moving things left-and-right and tidying up, out of nowhere, my lamp - that I was convinced was dead - turned on.

Really - I didn't change or touch wiring, and trust me, nobody in my house was ambitious enough to venture into my cavern and change the bulb for me. Remember my chandelier? My point exactly. (I was going to hyperlink this, but I can't find my chandelier blog posts. Too bad.)

My TEMPERAMENTAL lamp only decided to work once my desk was clean. WELL, UP YOURS, LAMP!

Why am I not shocked? My lamp is in cahoots with my mother. Endlessly wishing I'd just CLEAN OFF MY DESK.

Should Be Sleeping.. BUT

2009-02-24T00:06:00.002-05:00

I was just catching up on some OTHER blogs that I happen to really enjoy, like this one and this one. Notice how they BOTH have "shoes" in their title? Convenient? Theme reading? Yes, I think so.

ANYWAYS.

Shop*Girl had posted this delicious entry about Google Analytics, everyone's best pal, and how she was checking out which keywords people are googling to land up on her site. She had a really hilarious list. Let's see how mine is! Here's a sampling:

"apple baba" calorie - oh please, like I have ANY nutritional information here. I know which posts this goes with though. I had an apple baba obsession issue a while back. My jeans thank me for getting over that phase.
a forgotten novel about the life changing day in the life of a woman - really?? And you landed on MY blog? Okay!
all-my-hair cut-my-hair - well, sure because I hacked off about 6+ inches of long lustrous hair in favor of a cute asymmetrical bob. Those keywords are almost a testament to how my former hairdresser must feel about me.
bandage dress ottawa - Christ, is this because all I do is dream of owning a Herve Leger bandage dress while living in Ottawa? MY SECRET WISH HAS BEEN REVEALED!
captain annoying - AND YOU LANDED ON MY BLOG? SHAME ON YOU.
chat lolz - I am debating testing this one out.
fred penner pedophile & fred penner accused - ?!!? REALLY?
if you spend a night with such kittens you may say you are the luckiest guy in the world - well, yes. That is certainly true.
is my friend clairvoyant? - truth: some people -OKAY ONE PERSON- thinks I have clairvoyant tendencies.
shoplifting in aritzia - THIS SHOULD NEVER BE ASSOCIATED WITH MY BLOG! I love aritzia and I always ALWAYS pay full price.
willy wonka sarcasm - I am so confused, but I happen to love chocolate, so this is okay, I guess.

I'd have to say 90% of the keywords involved in my stats are related to Montreal stores I've mentioned and/or shop at. Not shocking. These weirdo ones above? NOT A SINGLE CLUE.

If you happen to use Google Analytics, I STRONGLY urge you to check out your list. Too funny!

XOXO

News Flash OR Current Happenings, As Told By The Ditz

2009-02-23T22:03:00.003-05:00

Oh, HELLO Kittens!

Last post, 2 weeks ago, did not offer much in the news department, but I think I can sum up life in a couple of bullet darts.

As much as I love poking fun at the looming RECESSION, this Ditz became a VICTIM of the recession 2 Fridays ago. I was casually laid off of my lazy-ass good-for-nothing job. Truth: not so upset. I was running out of actual work to do, the curse of being the cutest temp on the face of the earth, and once they cut the internet on all our computers, I knew my days were numbered. Clearly, working as a low-paid slave wasn't exactly my career path. Oh well, onto NEW exciting ventures, which leads to...
I keep alluding to new exciting things going on with my blog, but I never really specified. Why? Because up until a month ago or so, I didn't actually KNOW what those changes would be. I knew I had to buy my own domain and expand my blog, but I also knew that I needed to rethink my blog concept. No offense to myself and/or my life, but I wasn't keen on spending money for a blog about myself.
That brings me to this...
Up and running in approximately 2 weeks, my new blog, Craft With Jackie will be launching. I'll be posting 2 exciting crafts per week and taking craft requests, ideas and the like from YOU! You can send craft or any DIY idea to jackie@craftwithjackie.com. I've got dozens of amazing crafts already planned, and I'm requests for guest crafting - that list is getting long!
That being said, I'm going to try to keep AnecDitz going. I'll still post amazing sales and great shopping, but the "Ditz is wearing this today" is PROBABLY going to stop! Sorry!

I'm really excited and thrilled to be taking a new step with this new blog and I hope you all come visit!

http://www.craftwithjackie.com

XOXO

MIA? Hardly!!!

2009-02-09T16:19:00.003-05:00

I bet you're thinking, "OH, THAT LAZY DITZ. SHE DOESN'T POST ANYMORE. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? BRITNEY SPEARS?"

Well, YOU'RE ONLY HALF WRONG.

I sometimes think I'm Britney. I mostly think I'm a princess. Same difference!

Well, faithful kittens, here's what's going down:

I haven't COMPLETELY abandoned The AnecDitz. Moving forward, into 2009, I've finally decided to upgrade to my own page and domain - NOT hosted by Blogger - and take a leap into the real web-world. Along with the new domain and page, I'll be having a teensy bit of a new concept, too! I don't want to spoil surprises, yet, but the AnecDitz and my self-gratifying pictures of myself are coming to a slight halt.

I haven't wanted to post anything lately, because all I want to post about is the NEW concept and I'm a bit too excited and I'm afraid I'll "waste" my new material here.

I hope you'll all follow me to my new domain, which I'll announce once it's been paid for.

I'm gearing up for the MARVELOUS journey up ahead - and I can't wait to bring you all along for the ride!

XOXO

New Series: Theme Outfits

2009-01-20T15:43:00.005-05:00

OR Signs I Need a "Real" Hobby.

I'd like to say that this whole concept of "Themed Outfits" was a mistake. It KIND OF was. It started two weeks ago, when I wore my feathered earrings, cute collegiate cardigan and "suede" moccasin boots all on the same day. I called it "Pocahontas Goes To College".

The next day, I wore a dress with pockets and black tights that bunched around my ankles (not because I'm trendy, but because I hadn't pulled up my tights properly and they were too long). While I was eating my breakfast of Frosted Flakes with milk and apple juice, I realized that day's theme was "Ditz is 25 Going On 6".

A couple of days later, I decided it was time to debut my new and beloved Peacock feathered headband. I wore it with a peacock blue top and matching cardigan. Yes. You guessed right. That day was "Ditz The Magical Live Peacock".

Last week, I did a bit of "Susie Homemaker" in a full skirt and giant fake pearls.

Today, in honor of the US Presidential Inauguration - no, actually, there's no real connection - I bring you a new themed outfit: Sorority Girl.

In my Sorority, we support Hazing. Fully.

Top Worker Bee loves office photoshoots almost as much as she loves Ping Asian Cuisine.

BEST. NEWS. EVER.

2009-01-20T08:04:00.004-05:00

CHRIST I CAN'T FIND THE ARTICLE ONLINE YET - BUT MARK MY WORDS, WHEN I DO, IT'S BEING LINKED AS PROOF.

Forever 21 is FINALLY and ACTUALLY coming to Montreal and is taking over and/or opening inside the Ailes Complex downtown.

3 CHEERS FOR TRENDY CHEAP CUTE CLOTHES!

UPDATE: Found it. Read this for proof.
Fantastic.

I Kick Ass.

2009-01-16T16:14:00.006-05:00

I'm a better shopper than you.

Here's why:

In a magical November post, I'd mentioned briefly how I'd bought a Juicy silk printed skirt. I didn't go into MAJOR detail about it, but what you don't know is that I'd spent COUNTLESS hours trying to find a picture of it online. UNSUCCESSFULLY.

And I couldn't understand why. I figured it was SUPER OLD, like 12 seasons ago, and I dropped the search and moved onto just wearing it.

Turns out, it's not a super old skirt. It's not last season, it's not last year. It's ACTUALLY SPRING 2009.

What does this mean? I HAD A NEW SKIRT BEFORE ANYONE ELSE.

What it REALLY means is that if you ever see one-of-a-kind Juicy Couture items at that Juicy outlet, SNAP THEM UP FAST, because they're samples of FUTURE SEASONS!!

The real punch line, is that I paid $70 for it. It retails now for $228 USD.

I love life.

Update: I saw it selling for $250 Canadian. I am the best.

No, This Wasn't Planned.

2009-01-13T14:31:00.004-05:00

Okay, well, SORT OF.

SOMEONE at my office is guilty of CONSTANTLY using/STEALING my DR. MOODREAMY from Graze Moonatomy mug.

Exhibit A: My mug.

(This is stock footage. My actual mug is faded from too much DISHWASHER lovin' AND IS MIA.)

So, today, when I decided I NEEDED a toasty beverage that requires MUG USE, I had to find a substitute. Normally, I snatch TWB's mug (it has a VINTAGE picture of her and her best pal at like 7 years old on it. TWB wears a nice outfit on it), but that was ALSO MIA. I had to - thankfully - resort to using one of the extra mugs floating around. Lucky for me, one of the other friendly worker bees bought some kitschy fun mugs for us to use.

Exhibit B: Ditz and replacement mug.

Like I said, this wasn't TOTALLY planned. It was just convenient.

And totally cute.

Special thanks - as usual - to my special office photographer, Top Worker Bee and her beloved iPhone.

WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?

2009-01-10T11:23:00.007-05:00

ME?!!

Go here: http://www.craftandhobby.org/cgi-bin/pressrelease.cgi?func=ShowHobbyRelease&releaseid=280

Or, just read this part:

Paris Hilton, internationally recognized model, singer, author, and entrepreneur will be available on Sunday, January 25, 2009 from 2:00 - 3:00 pm in the Wooky Entertainment booth #2500, to unveil Paris Hilton, the Creative Collection™ a multi-faceted line of fashion crafting kits from some of the most popular craft segments including scrapbooking, jewelry making and fabric embellishment. Paris will be on hand for photos and signing autographs

Seriously, why wasn't I born Paris Hilton? I LOVE CRAFTS! I would give up my extra long second toe - ON BOTH FEET - to be able to have a line of craft kits.

All grumpies and bitterness aside, I actually do think this is an amazing idea. No, not ME having craft kits (no, that's a good idea too), but Paris stamping her name and image on craft kits. In this digital age where kids are losing the knack of hand-eye coordination because they're busy playing video games (OKAY, FINE I PLAY VIDEO GAMES TOO), it's nice to see craft-promotion.

Just this week at my place of work, Top Worker Bee, one of the friendly IT guys and myself were discussing how knitting and gingerbread house building are slowly becoming a lost art. TWB got a lovely hand-knit hat and scarf- complete with pockets- over the holidays from her man's grandmother, and we were marvelling at how kids these days aren't picking up on knitting and/or general handicrafts. IT guy told us how he "forced" his eldest daughter - now 18 - to sit with her grandmother and learn how to make a gingerbread house, because it'll soon be her responsibility and it's a lost art. And you know what? He's right. How many of you know how to knit? How many of you can actually MAKE something useful? I'm not saying popsicle stick boxes, because heck, we ALL can do that. I'm talking real handicrafts. Useful stuff.

It's a recession, y'all. Why go out and spend a fortune on useless presents for people, when you can recycle-cycle and MAKE things?

And no, I don't know how to knit either.

Cooooooupon Time

2009-01-08T10:51:00.006-05:00

I will not steal YOUR deals! LOLcat might.

I posted this for anyone who is either a. Canadian or b. not on my general mailing lists.

Here's how it works: Go to http://beautytubes.ca and sign up for their services or whatever it is. When they ask for a referring code, put in Z4WB and POOF. Coupon for $5 off this DELICIOUS mascara.

YAY COOOOOOUPONS.

"I'm MARVELOUS"

2009-01-07T18:56:00.004-05:00

Yes, yes you are.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1559540640/bclid1557820246/bctid6551042001

Go investigate that. Absolutely lovely.

As if we didn't already think Lady GaGa was born with talent shining out of her rear end, this just seals the deal.

...Anybody know where I can get a hairbow out of hair like hers?

No

2009-01-05T07:55:00.000-05:00

I don't want to go back to work today.

VACATION FOREVER!!

HAPPY 2009!

2008-12-31T18:29:00.003-05:00

HAPPY 2009 KITTENS! A VLOG treat for you all!

Typical

2008-12-30T01:21:00.002-05:00

Oh, and by the way, I was convinced I lost my hotel room key this evening.

Just found it.

Underneath my new green clutch [visible in previous post's exhibit C].

I am a DITZASTER.

Lord, Help Me Please

2008-12-30T00:38:00.006-05:00

Those of you who follow my Tweets and/or Facebook status updates and/or know my habits and/or my schedule know that tonight is my last night of happy family vacation. I opted to ENJOY my holiday, as opposed to spending my time INDOORS blogging. Sorry. Tanning was HIGH PRIORITY.

Right now, I'm working really hard/hardly working on cramming a week's worth of Forever XXI/21 & Coach outlet shopping into my ONE TEENSY SUITCASE.

It's not going so well.

Photographic evidence:

Exhibit A: Overstuffed suitcase filled with trendy new goodies. Pile of items that still need to go in.

Exhibit B: Shopping bags of items yet to be packed.

Exhibit C: Assorted items on bed that need to be packed. Of note: Ditz loves animal print, namely, leopard; Ditz finally found herself a PEACOCK feathered accessory; Ditz loves reading/is literate; Ditz loves purses (3 on bed, 2+ on floor); Ditz loves stuffed giraffes.

Exhibit D: Community of shoes anxiously awaiting their spot in the suitcase. Patient and beloved Marc Jacobs mouse flats are excited to go home, while charming Louboutins foster anger towards Ditz for being brought and NOT WORN ONCE. [Betsey Johnson slides are indifferent.]

Truth be told, there is a HIGH chance that these shoes aren't coming home with me tomorrow. From the looks of my already heavy bag, there is NO WAY on this planet that they'll fit into my bag. WHAT WAS I THINKING, PACKING 6 PAIRS OF SHOES FOR A 7 DAY TRIP?! WHO DO I THINK I AM, IMELDA MARCOS? [The correct answer here is yes.]

Let us join forces in a small prayer right now:

Dear Lord Upstairs,

Please help me stuff all of my new goodies into my little suitcase. I overpacked, and I am aware that I did NOT need 12 assorted tops and 8 pairs of shorts for such a brief trip. I am also aware that I wore my new white denim shorts at least 3 times, when I could've worn other things. Please don't punish me now. Just figure out a way to get all of my stuff in one bag that doesn't pop.

In addition, I would also greatly appreciate if my flight wasn't delayed tomorrow and that I have an easy time getting through customs. It would be a great shame if they rip apart my bag and make me show them all the lovely things I purchased this week. Wait. No, I love showcasing my new stuff.

Please just make tonight and tomorrow bearable and easy! I WILL BE FOREVER HAPPY!

With plenty of love,
Your Favorite Ditz.

PRESENTS IN THE MAIL = FUN

2008-12-23T11:16:00.003-05:00

Once I'm here and killing time...

I mentioned in an earlier post http://theanecditz.blogspot.com/2008/11/who-loves-free-products-me-thats-who.html that I was going to be getting some MASCARA SAMPLES. I half-lied. They DID send me samples, BUT not enough to pass around. 2 weeks ago, I got a DELICIOUS package in the mail.

To refresh your precious kitten memory, Matchstick in Torono uses me [and my blog] for word-of-mouth marketing. This current campaign is for a new Double-Extend mascara, and I got a FUN package in exchange for free promotion.

Inside the box, as you can see, was a giant L'Oreal cosmetic bag, a set of mini brushes, a liquid liner, a palette of eye shadows, two (2) mascaras and some informational pages.

Chill - I gave Momma Ditz the extra mascara.

I'm actually a huge fan of Benefit Bad Gal Lash mascara. I got it in a gift-set from Prince and it's been hard to wean myself off of it and try something new. I've used L'Oreal's OTHER double-ended mascara - i.e. the one where you put on white goop first and then a coat of the black - and I didn't LOVE IT. The original one was WAY too clumpy.

This new one - hitting the Canadian market this month - is FANTASTIC. It's the same concept as the other Double Extend, but this one - DOUBLE EXTENSION BEAUTY TUBES - gives long soft curled lashes.

I'm fairly certain it's priced between $12 - $14, which is reasonable in the mid-range mascara realm.

I know I don't push products THAT OFTEN, but really, if you're in the market for a fresh mascara and don't want to venture out to Sephora or a department store, this one is really worth its weight in feathers.

I give it 6 enthusiastic Ditz Gold Stars. Go and get your Double Extension Beauty Tube! Ditz says so!

Live: Pearson Airport, Gate 151

2008-12-23T10:35:00.007-05:00

Things That Suck, Episode 12: "Boo Life"

Non-direct flights
Flights that leave at 7 a.m. and that require 5 a.m. airport arrivals
Flights that get delayed - TWICE
Being stuck in Toronto's Pearson airport. SINCE 8:30 A.M.
Creepy old ladies talking about how hard it is to nap in an airport and then napping RIGHT BEHIND YOU
Not finding anything fun at the Duty Free

So, here I am. Stuck in the airport. My connecting flight down South was SUPPOSED to leave at 12:50 p.m. which was TERRIBLE ENOUGH as is, but has now been delayed to 1:20 p.m. Internet, in these fine establishments, IS NOT FREE. I had to PAY.

I took advantage of my Montreal-Toronto flight and took an hour and eighteen minute nap. I can't even take a little one here, because all the seats HAVE ARM RESTS.

A plane is attached to our gate. My brother just reminded me to NOT GET EXCITED, because it's NOT OURS. OBVIOUSLY NOT.

On a BIZARRE upside, my going through security was mostly uneventful. The Canadian one was a breeze. The guys working FULLY saw that I had a bunch of large bottles AND aerosols inside my carry-on, and DID NOT SAY ANYTHING. However, moving from Toronto to the U.S., they CONFISCATED MY AUSSIE SPRUNCH SPRAY (and Brother's hair goop). The security guy kept SNOOPING and POKING through my bag. NOT GOING TO FIND ANYTHING ELSE GOOD IN THERE, BIG SHOT. JUST SOME LADY-THINGS AND 12 LIP GLOSSES.

I understand tight security and I understand that air-travel is sticky, BUT COME ON. WHAT HARM IS MY SPRUNCH SPRAY DOING BY SITTING IN MY BAG?! Get real!

I'm debating painting my toenails.

I'm also debating hijacking a plane. No, not really.

Places I Would Rather Be:

Sleeping
Napping
Playing Guitar Hero: WORLD TOUR with Prince
Anywhere with Prince
ON A PLANE TO FLORIDA
IN FLORIDA
Sleeping

That's me. Hating life, airports and wishing it was snacktime. You can SORT OF see the burnage on my nose and face. You can also see the BRIGHT CHEERY colors of my LuLu Lemon fancy jacket/top combo. Prince said I looked like a grandmother. No, he didn't say that. He DID say that I looked a little TOO Florida. He's right. I am one colorful little peacock.

DITZCATION (Ditz + Vacation, Obviously)

2008-12-22T23:24:00.002-05:00

Riddle me this Kittens:

Ditz is sunburnt BEFORE leaving for her HAPPY FAMILY VACATION in Florida.
HOW?

She mistakenly went for pre-sunshine artificial tanning, or as we call it, BRONZAGE.

Ditz is far from bronze. MORE LIKE A CHERRY RED LOBSTER.

LOBSTER DITZ. Amazing.

That being said, I am in the process of syncing my iPod, debating which color to paint my toes, making endless lists of what I have to arrange before I leave my homebase at 4:30 a.m. I am SEMI thrilled to be going [i.e. toasty weather, fun USA shopping, NO SNOW, USA portion control in restaurants...] but am also MOSTLY UNTHRILLED [i.e. no Prince for a week, 24/7 Family Time, lights out/curfew rules from my BROTHER...]. It's one week. I'll deal.

I AM bringing my technical equipment with me, south of the border. I can guarantee I'll have what to say.

I am - as some of you may know - working on getting my next VLOG up and running. It's unsually large and I'm having a mighty ROUGH time getting it online. Be patient!

For those kittens unwillingly stuck in SNOW, MY APOLOGIES.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FRIENDLY KITTENS!

Uber-Chic or Super-Freak?

2008-12-15T17:27:00.004-05:00

I just had a lovely Winners outing with Momma-Ditz & the Kiddo herself. [No, I didn't buy anything.]

On the way out, Kiddo pointed out a lovely older lady WEARING THE EXACT SAME GLASSES AS ME.

I just JUST got a new pair of frames. I terrorized Momma-Ditz at the glasses store, easily picking THE most expensive frames possible. I thought I was super chic and extra classy.

JUST ABOUT AS CLASSY AS A 75+ YEAR OLD LADY. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

We always knew I was older beyond my years. I just never thought it was FIFTY (50) YEARS OLDER.

Whatever. I happen to love my leopard print bejeweled lunettes. LEOPARD IS TIMELESS.

Ditz's Workplace Craft Show

2008-12-11T21:05:00.004-05:00

Episode 1: Holiday Party Centerpieces.

Ditz volunteered to be on her office's Holiday Party Planning Committee. Obviously. Ditz, in her infinite wisdom, volunteered to be in charge of DECOR and ACCESSORIES. As a result, Ditz got to spend an afternoon shopping online at www.partymart.com for FUN party favors, a morning at the local dollar store "shopping" for items to use as centerpieces, an hour assembling candy mini-gift bags (250+) and a few hours making these centerpieces.

I happen to think I have a future in the art of centerpiece making.

That, and I love taking up work-time to HAVE FUN CRAFTING. Top Kitten called me during craft time AND DID NOT BELIEVE THAT I WAS CRAFTING. SO THERE, TOP KITTEN. SO. THERE.

(Special thanks to Top Worker Bee for taking the 12 seconds to capture this delicious moment. I always make sure she hardly gets any work done.)

Birthday Event Extravaganza Round-Up: Part 2

2008-12-11T20:17:00.003-05:00

I didn't want to overload you all with SO MANY PICTURES IN ONE POSTING.

Because I decided my blog needs more traffic than my Facebook profile, I've decided to post my party pictures ONLY HERE and not on FB. Shocking, eh?

Anyway, I had a magical evening. A lovely turnout. Those who were supposed to be there but didn't show up? Pfft. Their loss. This Ditz knows who her REAL friends are!

Top Kitten & one of my Top Pets

Ditz, Prince, TK and TP [the many cocktails on the table DID NOT BELONG TO ME]

Miss Ditz & her Prince

Typical Bas-Mitsvah group photo. I made them ALL pose for this one.

Hello Kitten visited!

TK and the Ditz, showcasing our overpriced -YET FABULOUS - purchases.

TK brought along her brother and his NotaryKitten of a girlfriend - always a pleasure!

If only everyone looked at me the way Prince does...

All in all, it was a LOVELY soiree. We went to this bar that WAS super hot during the summer. WAS is the operative word. Whatever. This Ditz doesn't need to be at the HOTTEST place to have a good time! It was all about the company, for Ditz's 25th, and really, the company could not have been even the slightest bit better.

Ditz LOVES her precious kittens and pets who helped her celebrate her birthday! What a beautiful night!

Birthday Event Extravaganza Round-Up: Part 1

2008-12-11T19:25:00.005-05:00

In case you forgot, my BIRTHDAY was last week. Right. That National Holiday that falls on December 2nd.

As promised, I AM going to do a birthday-present round-up also, but I can't yet because I have MAJOR plans on that front, i.e. pictures galore with tons of LOLZES.

For now, though, I'll be a peach and post some lovely pictographs from my two birthday soirees: Birthday Night Dinner with Prince & Birthday Party Outing.

I won't talk about Prince's present yet. That merits its own story/post.

Prince and I went out for a lovely dinner to what most people consider a GREAT sushi joint. We didn't have reservations, but the restaurant was HALF EMPTY and the LOSERS working there made us WAIT 20 minutes before they seated us. That should've been a hint. The food was fantastic. We had this DELISH salmon & tuna tartare that they serve on these tortilla-style chip things, and some super sushi [that I tried to bring as leftovers to work the next day, but because I'd forgotten to refrigerate them, Worker Bee forced me to throw them out]. The service was so crappy, though. SO CRAPPY to the point that Prince resorted to some MAJOR retaliation, in the form of "accidentally" spilling soy sauce all over the pristine white tablecloths. THAT'LL SHOW THEM!

What's worse, is that when they brought out my birthday "dessert", I handed the serving wench my camera to take a lovely picture of Prince and I, SHE WALKED AWAY, IGNORING ME. She didn't take my camera with her. Instead, we had to settle for the drunk American at the bar to "try" to take pictures of us. And by that, I really mean we let him take two, and then Prince and I used our long arms to self-photograph.

Evidence:

Thanks to the Drunk Guy for that one.
Nice try, Prince.

My arm is seemingly longer. I love Prince's sweater. We are just the cutest. He and I have an entire self-photoshoot from dinner. I like this one best. I'm willing to bet he won't!

Next up: Birthday Party Pictures!

Domestic Ditz

2008-12-11T19:20:00.004-05:00

Top Kitten captured this epic moment. Ditz washing dishes.

A once in a lifetime experience.

(Notice matching leopard headband and leopard glasses. EXTRA LEOPARD = EXTRA CHIC.)

POST-BIRTHDITZ - One Hectic Week Later

2008-12-11T18:47:00.001-05:00

I spent an HOUR thanking EVERY SINGLE PERSON who wished me a happy birthday on Facebook.

90% of people got a standardized copy-paste message.

It's rather curious WHO messages you on your birthday and the sort of messages you get.

"Hey, happy birthday, long time no speak, what are you up to?"

WHAT do I answer to that? I can't sum up the last 10+ YEARS OF MY LIFE IN ONE FACEBOOK WALL POST. There's a reason why we haven't spoken in a long time. IT'S BECAUSE I PROBABLY DON'T REALLY LIKE YOU.

It bothers me that people who I have as "friends" on FB that are actually total ASSHOLES to me in real life bother to wish me a happy birthday. Call me ungrateful, but I'd rather have NO BIRTHDAY WISHES than receive half-assed "polite" garbage messages from people who look at the listing of birthdays on the homepage and feel it's their CIVIC DUTY to be "nice".
IT'S NOT NICE.

IT'S ANNOYING AND OBNOXIOUS.

Most of the people who wished me a happy birthday WOULDN'T KNOW IT'S MY BIRTHDAY IF IT WEREN'T FOR FACEBOOK.

I have a prime example. I think this happened a solid 2 years/birthdays ago. On a rampage, I deleted a bunch of friends off Facebook. People I didn't like, people associated with people I didn't like, people who looked at me the wrong way ONCE... Anyway, after this axing frenzy, my birthday rolled around and I got an inboxer - as I like to call them - from a guy I went to high school with, that I was pretty friendly with IN high school AND after graduation. He was a casualty of my deleting spree. Inside this message, he wished me a happy birthday, and mentioned that HE KNEW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY WITHOUT FACEBOOK TELLING HIM SO [oh, and by the way, he also noticed that I'D DELETED HIM].

See? HE is a good egg.

I appreciated all the phone calls. I appreciated even the text messages and emails. I don't appreciate people who think that posting a standard HAPPY BIRTHDAY makes up for a phone call.

It doesn't.

You know what's a great punishment for all these fake Facebook wishes? FAKE STANDARDIZED THANK-YOU REPLIES.

DITZ. ALWAYS. WINS.

[Note: I actually DID love all the Facebook loving. Except for one nameless person. She knows who she is.]

Ditz Exercises Her Civic Duty

2008-12-09T20:18:00.009-05:00

...AND VOTED in her provincial election.

See? Photographic evidence that Ditz knows how to vote.

Special thanks to the Disaster himself for capturing this epic moment with his FANCY NEW BLACKBERRY.

I am predicting a TON of flack for this, but I'm going to talk about it anyways.

When it comes to elections of any sort, be it Provincial, Federal or Union, I like to NEVER vote for who I am "supposed" to vote for. I am fairly notorious for trying to cause a stir with my vote, i.e. voting for the party whose beliefs are the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I actually support or voting for the MOST radical party I can vote for. I know every vote counts, and I know it's my civic duty, but HECK, why can't I just have fun?? Last time we had a provincial election [2 years ago? whatever], I made a personal statement and voted for what is considered THE worst party to vote for as an English-speaking Montrealer. I thought it was funny. My riding ANYWAYS always leans in one specific direction, so I like to give other parties an extra vote. I like to know I somewhat count.

I've told Prince my "election theories" and I'm fairly certain he thinks I'm a NIDIOT. He told me that this election isn't exactly the time for my own FUN AND GAMES. I didn't listen to him, and I went to vote - with the Disaster - and I got REALLY confused at the polling station.

There were 5 choices. 4 of the regular ones, and 1 that SORT OF sounded like one of the 4 regulars. I figured it sounded RADICAL and CRAZY enough, that it had to be MORE crazy than any of the OTHER parties on the list. I voted for them.

I asked Disaster if he knew anything about this party, and he didn't. Upon further research [thanks Google], I found out that out of ALL THE PARTIES IN THE WORLD to vote for, I PICKED THE WORST ONE. Like ACTUALLY the worst. This party is a party that I would probably SHUN people for supporting.

Prince and I unknowingly both made the same technical mistake and voted for the same party. He got just as confused as I did. I tried to play the "I AM EXERCISING MY RIGHT TO PRIVACY" shtick with him. Totally backfired when I realized I was super curious to find out who he voted for. He threw that line RIGHT BACK AT ME.

Aaand then we realized we both voted by mistake for the same party. Don't ask us who we voted for; we will be exercising our right to privacy.

Things I COULD Be Doing

2008-12-09T18:59:00.003-05:00

Oh, the weather outside is FRIGHTFUL, but my cozy bed is so DELIGHTFUL.

I have a new VLOG to post. I know that MOST of you are going to be SUPER EXCITED. I'll put it up. Not now.

We just got a solid "5 centimeters" of snow. 5 centimeters means NOTHING to me. The weather jerks should have just said we're expecting "enough snow that it'll take you 20+ minutes to clean off your car and you'll be stuck in traffic for at LEAST an hour on your drive home".

In honor of this LOVELY weather, and the fact that it IS beginning to look a lot like CHRISTMAS, I bring you a fresh list.

Things Ditz Could Be Doing Tonight & The Likelihood of Each Happening:

Catching up on the 5+ blog entries she's dying to post [Likelihood: 15% chance of happening (CoH)]
Organizing her closets (again) and weeding out crappy clothing [2% CoH]
Studying for her exam on Friday [0.05% CoH]
Reading one of the 12 books on her personal reading list [1% CoH]
Watching episodes of Dallas [9% CoH]
Watching episodes of The Office [75% CoH]
Taking a lovely 45 minute bath and depleting her household of hot water [40% CoH]
Pacing around her room and having periodic snacks at 20 minute intervals [85% CoH]
Lurking around the kitchen, reading magazines and having snacks [67% CoH]
Stay snuggled up in bed, with elephants & giraffes and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING [101% CoH]

I think #10 is winning. I'd bet on it!

Ditz's HOTW: Barack Obama

2008-12-04T16:17:00.005-05:00

This week's hero PROBABLY should just be me, given that it was my birthday, BUT IT'S NOT. Ditz's HOTW is none other than the U.S. President Elect, Mr. Barack Obama. Why? Not because he's the first Black president. Not because he's told the "help" at the White House to leave his girls be with their chores. Not because his wife is a fashion icon. He's this week's hero because he tried to impersonate himself and failed. Miserably.

Obama had good intentions. All he wanted to do was call a Floridian Congresswoman and congratulate her on her re-election. She hung up on his phone call. Not once, but TWICE. Being particularly unimpressed with the fact that radio stations are CONSTANTLY pranking congressfolk imitating "important" politicians, the congresswoman took this fact for granted and assumed it was a common gag.

It wasn't.

Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen was pretty set on not having a Palin-esque situation. It took retelling of an inside joke from Representative Howard Berman to convince this lovely lady that Obama ACTUALLY wanted to speak to her.

Obama gets this week's honor of being the Ditz Hero of the Week. He successfully managed to convince a congresswoman that he wasn't really himself, but that he can do a better impression of "Barack Obama" than the "guy who does it on Saturday Night Live".

BIRTHDITZ, Quarter Century & LOVIN' IT

2008-12-02T15:24:00.007-05:00

Today, we honor Momma Ditz, who so carefully let me exit her womb some 25 years ago. I took this opportunity to send her a beautiful orchid in honor of OUR special day. She was very moved.

Oh right. Today's my BIRTHDAY. 25 years young. I have had a truly MAGICAL day so far. Top Kitten had a pile of BALLOONS sent to my office, Momma Ditz baked a pile of goodies for me to bring TO the office [I am 25 going on 8], Prince delivered BEAUTIFUL flowers, Worker Bee and I went out for a LOVELY klassy lunch [pogos and fries with gravy]. Toronto Kitten SANG ME A SONG. What a MARVELOUS DAY.

All the worker bees at my office gave me TONS of love and hugs and kisses. It's been - THUS FAR - my absolute TOP birthday.

Top Worker Bee told me that she hasn't seen anyone get as much birthday lovin' as this little Ditz. WELL OBVIOUSLY. EVERYONE LOVES THE DITZ!!

My day is FAR from over. Prince and I are going out for dinner shortly. I hope for something yummy and deep fried. Tomorrow, I'll do a birthday-gift round-up.

In the meantime, I'll let you laugh at the photos: Ditz at her desk with her BALLOONS and Ditz posing like a NEB with her balloons and flowers. Momma Ditz forced Kiddo to stage this PHOTO-OP.

I am such a birthday pest.

DITZ IS A MAGICAL WIZARD

2008-11-29T11:30:00.004-05:00

Look to your right.

See that magical LABEL CLOUD?

I did that. Blogger doesn't have a label cloud, so I had to put it in MYSELF. Using HTML programming. WHO'S IMPRESSED?

Now, before you all get WAY TOO EXCITED, let me burst your bubble, please.

I've only tagged/labeled 35-45 posts. Out of 160+. It's annoying long work that I should've been doing since the INSTANT I started blogging. I didn't, so bear with me.

Once it's properly finished, you'll be able to pick a FUN TOPIC and read alllll the related posts! DITZ ENTERS THE 21st CENTURY.

In the meantime, I will just continue performing magic tricks and other things that wizards do.

Who Loves Free Products? ME, THAT'S WHO.

2008-11-27T20:43:00.003-05:00

Remember how at the end of the summer, I kept alluding to "good news" that I never ended up talking about? For those of you who don't remember, but are curious, allow me to proceed...

Apparently more than just my regular kittens read my blog. OBVIOUSLY. Over the summer, I was contacted by a marketing company based out of Toronto, Matchstick, who loved my blog and felt that I'm an influential blogger and consumer, which, clearly, I am. I participated in one of their marketing campaigns for Listerine Teeth Whitening Strips. I kind of did a pretty bad job at it. They sent me piles of samples to distribute, and all they wanted was for me to blog about the teeth strips. I tried them and they were the most revolting things in the world. AND this all happened during my August-September blogcation, where I was feeling uninspired and unblogged. Good thing that time period is OVER.

Anyway, GUESS WHAT? They contacted me AGAIN. MATCHSTICK, YOU ARE FORGIVING SOULS AND I PROMISE TO BE BETTER THIS TIME. I SWEAR. I think this next campaign I'll be participating in is MASCARA.

Know what that means?

FREE MASCARA TRIALS.

Matchstick, I LOVE YOU. SAMPLES 4EVER!

Lucky Little Ditz

2008-11-27T13:54:00.006-05:00

The National Holiday, also known as Ditz's Birthday, is next Tuesday.

Prince, my delicious and most adored boyfriend, surprised me with a pre-birthday-present present yesterday.

I normally don't like to advertise things like this, because this Ditz likes to keep her actual personal life private, but I can't help but gloat and bask in the glory of Prince's knack at gift-giving. Never has this Ditz had such a precious man who really just understands her quirks and quarks (and knows that she loves jewelry).

He is really just wonderfully amazing and I am infinitely lucky that our hairdresser fixed us up.
BET YOU ALL WANT THAT STORY, EH? If enough of you ask for it, I may go ahead with it.

ANYWAY, that's what my Prince gave me. A beautiful antique pearl necklace with a delicious clasp. Super special, super original and super unique. Ever so thoughtful, he gave it to me yesterday afternoon, so I'd be able to wear it for my presentations last night and tonight.

Could I BE any luckier?

Coming from a Ditz who once thought Tiffany's boxes were the only source of bejeweled happiness, I don't think I want to go back there. I know. I might have fever. It takes a credit card to walk into Tiffany's and pick out a floating heart. It takes a real PRINCE to go looking for something VINTAGE with personality!

Kittens, don't fret if you think the dating pool is full of little kids and urine. For every bad seed, there's a Prince hiding in the background. Or in my case, in my hair salon.

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

2008-11-27T12:22:00.005-05:00

In honor of my American Kittens and their precious Thanksgiving, I bring you these:

AND, a snippet from one of my top favorite movies, CAMP, a musical number, called TURKEY LURKEY TIME.

Happy Turkey Day!

"I Sent You To Jewish School For THIS?"

2008-11-26T23:21:00.003-05:00

One of my friendly Kitten readers sent me a beautiful email. Okay, fine. The email ITSELF was pretty standard and usual, but its ATTACHMENTS were PARTICULARLY FANTASTIC.

She and I were Facebook chatting earlier this evening. We share a special love for the Christmas season. Yes. We're definitely both Jewish.

Our respective parents are REALLY PROUD.

Kitten here had mentioned that she just recently put up her TABLETOP TREE, and I was INSANELY JEALOUS. I demanded photographic evidence, with the promise of posting them on my blog.

So, without further ado, here is Miss TamaraKitten's beloved tree:

IT'S PINK. AND SHINY.

God. Could life - in tree form - get ANY BETTER?

Fun fact: if you send me things that are semi-interesting, I will likely post them. Write that down.

I Love Group Work. Really.

2008-11-26T10:56:00.003-05:00

One of the joys of my program is group work. I mentioned in a previous entry that I was blessed with a group member who used Babelfish to translate her work. She has since apologized.

This is about a DIFFERENT group.

I'm fine working in a team of two (2). I am also okay-ish with groups of three (3) and four (4). I've been tortured in a group of five (5) [that time, it was Miss Ditz and 4 guys. That was NOT FUN].

In this group, I have been PUNISHED with a total of SIX (6) members. That includes yours truly. 5 estrogen-filled ladies AND ONE GUY. He thinks he's the luckiest duck this side of PR Management.

He's not.

He got cursed with four (4) girls and one (1) Ditz. And all five (5) of us tend to butt heads ON EVERYTHING.

Let's take last night. We had our final pre-presentation group meeting. Our topic was assigned to us, and it couldn't have been more fitting: we represent a modeling agency, called Top Models of the World, who needs to deal with the fact that two (2) models have died recently from eating disorders. Delicious topic, eh? We decided we needed a slogan for our communications plan and this little Ditz got her thinking cap on.

[Ditz:] "'Changing the Modeling Industry, ONE SANDWICH AT A TIME'."
[Group groans]
[Group Kitten #1:] "That's too sarcastic for a professional presentation."
[Ditz:] "Fine. 'Changing the Modeling Industry, ONE MODEL AT A TIME'."
[J.Lo Kitten:] "No, that's still not good. How about 'Role Models are Top Models'?"
[Ditz:] "I think it would sound better if it was 'Top Models are Role Models'."
[J.Lo Kitten:] "No."

10 minutes later...

[J.Lo Kitten:] "I thought of a perfect slogan! 'Top Models are Role Models'."
[Silence]
[Classmate Kitten, whispering:] "Err, Ditz, didn't you JUST SAY THAT?"
[Ditz:] "No, apparently not."

Our slogan is 'Top Models are Role Models'. I didn't think of it. Clearly.

"It's Complicated Between Adam and Eve"

2008-11-24T17:17:00.004-05:00

This is - NO JOKE - the funniest thing I have seen all day. Click on the images to see what they are. Don't be a lazy parasite.

A pal passed it onto me. Here's the link with the original content, so you don't think I created this. http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764710

God bless College Humor.

And Star 92.9 holiday music. Totally not over it.

Oh, HAPPY DAY

2008-11-24T16:07:00.005-05:00

Do you know what today ACTUALLY is?

THE DAY STAR 92.9 FM RADIO STARTED PLAYING HOLIDAY MUSIC!

(That's me having fun with some holiday-spirit jpegs. And delivering milk to the office kitchenette.)

(I love photoshopping. And clip-art. AND the holidays!)

Special Feature: Ditz's Accessorizing Tips

2008-11-23T22:41:00.004-05:00

In light of recent concert-viewing events, and in light of a certain utility-man's LACK OF PROPER ACCESSORIZING, I bring you something special.

Roy? This is for you.

Since Roy left his hat-trunk at home before going on tour, I've taken the liberty of compiling some options for Roy. Head over to a HAT BARN and get some CHAPEAUS!

Option #1: Sexy Crocodile Hunter.
In this motif, we see our main man, Roy, topped off in a lovely taupe leather hat, that comes with a handy-dandy pouch for storage purposes. This hat is a real find. It FOLDS UP. It costs $79.95. A little pricey, but nothing says class like a BRAIDED HATBAND!

Option #2: Stylishly Flamboyant Newsboy.

Over here, we have Roy in a super trendy newsboy cap. In hot pink corduroy, Roy would be the cutest little munch to ever have played 4 different instruments for Bob Dylan's band. I think this hat really brings out his eyes. Roy can afford this one on his musician's salary. It's $5.95 and is a ONE SIZE FITS ALL. Does that include Roy and his hair?

Option 3: Themed Evenings.
Just in case Bob decides to hold a concert on the holy Halloween or Purim, heck, if Roy decides he feels like blending in with his Pirate brethren, this $9.95 wonder would be PERFECT. Roy's sex appeal thermometer just rose 30 degrees when he put THIS hat on!

Come on. Who doesn't LOVE a pirate??

So, you see Roy, THERE WAS NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR LACK OF HEADWEAR.

NO EXCUSE.

"I Didn't Pay $80 To Listen To Your Voice"

2008-11-23T22:07:00.005-05:00

Around one week ago, I called up Prince and mentioned in passing how Bob Dylan was coming in town and it would be MAYBE nice to go see him, because it MIGHT be one of his last tours EVER. I didn’t think he actually listened to my ramblings until Tuesday, when he announced that he’d surprised me, and got us tickets.

What I failed to mention to Prince, was that I’m not the BIGGEST Dylan fan. In fact, I probably can NOT name more than 5 Dylan songs. He’s a cultural icon. I wanted to be able to say that I’d been there, even if it was for 4 minutes, before the man kicks the bucket. Needless to say, I was heavily disappointed when I found out the concert would not be 4 minutes long.

Prince and I went with high hopes. SERIOUSLY HIGH HOPES.

Prior to the show, while Prince & I waited for the show to start:

[Ditz:] “Hey, do you think there’s going to be a LIGHT SHOW?”

[Prince:] [Rolls eyes.] “No. I doubt it.”

[Ditz:] “What about PYROTECHNICS??”

Hey. When I go to a concert, I expect to be ENTERTAINED. I want a PACKAGE DEAL of everything that can be done in a two-hour span. LIKE THE SPICE GIRLS. OR CELINE DION. THEY use pyrotechnics. THEY have light shows!

Bob and his band were really SOMETHING ELSE. Bob pretty much had his profile – if not his BACK - to the audience for the vast majority of the show. Know why? Because if you catch him straight on, the man looks like an old grandmother. When he used his harmonica (CAN’T HE JUST HIRE SOMEONE TO DO THAT AT THIS POINT???), he practically needed his oxygen mask afterwards. He WAS BARELY ABLE TO SING.

I read the review of the concert in my local newspaper. Let’s not get into the bulk of his review. What I found rather curious is how he spoke so highly of the BAND.

THE BAND??? THE BAND IN HATS!

There were 2 guitarists, a bassist, a drummer and some IDIOT hiding in the back playing WEIRDO instruments. Apparently there was a costume/outfit motif, and Roy, the resident utility guy in the back, wasn’t included in the memo. The strings section was all wearing matching outfits and hats. The drummer was wearing a hat. BOB was even wearing a hat. And ROY? NO. NO HAT. He just had his hair done that afternoon. No hat was going to COVER THAT FANCY ‘DO UP.

Roy honestly provided ample entertainment for Prince and me, seeing as the show was REALLY NOT THAT GREAT. Roy kept changing instruments with each song. A table-harp thing. A guitar/bass. A violin. But it was pretty obvious that he really just didn’t belong. He looked like a failed wedding singer. Roy. Roy was off on most songs. Constantly leaning over and trying to see what everyone else was doing.

[Band hissing:] “HEY ROY. WHERE’S YOUR HAT?!”

He was MARGINALLY better than Manuelo, the dancing bassist, who managed to upstage EVERYONE with his pelvic-thrust dance moves. He must be REALLY TALENTED if he can manage PELVIC THRUSTS while PLAYING THE BASS. He wasn’t wearing sunglasses like the two guitarists, but Manuelo WAS wearing a bolo tie. Yes. A bolo tie.

The drummer was something else. While he WAS wearing a hat, he wasn’t in a fedora like the REST OF THE GANG. He’s a failed Goth-Rock-Emo band singer. And a part-time sushi chef. In case you were wondering.

While Prince and I were busy having the time of our lives discussing the band’s background, we were RUDELY INTERRUPTED by the UNLOVELY woman sitting in front of us.

“I DIDN’T PAY $80 TO LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE!”

No, you’re right. You paid $80 to watch a relic hang onto something that just IS NOT THERE anymore.

I texted Momma Ditz & Poppa Ditz during the show. I texted each of them separately, because I knew I’d get HILARIOUS responses from both of them.

[Ditz, via text:] Bob Dylan is a total relic.

[Momma Ditz, via text:] That’s why I don’t go!

[Poppa Ditz, via text:] He’s not a rock star

Prince and I walked out before the end of the show. It was just honestly THAT BAD. We didn’t even get to hear Bob address the audience and introduce his band. Whatever. We know them all anyways.

I was punished for this excursion. Prince wants to teach me that I can’t want to do EVERYTHING. During these times of recession, I need to be more selective about our methods of extra-curricular entertainment and/or activities. And truthfully, he’s right. I should not be abusing his discretional income during a recession. I SHOULD be more selective. Prince didn’t make me pay for both tickets. He didn’t make me pay for my ticket. He asked me to pay him for HALF the price of a ticket. I presented it to him, along with the review of the concert. He was really appreciative.

Oh, and by the way, I had skipped CLASS FOR THIS.

How To Be A Glutton

2008-11-18T16:28:00.003-05:00

Featuring Prince, Ditz & Chocolate.

2 weekends ago - I was BITCHDITZ and did not advertise - was the Salon Passion de Chocolat at our fine Palais de Congres. Sometimes, Ditz is a rat and keeps things to herself. Worker Bee JUST gave me hell that I didn't tell her, because HER prince would have chocolate intravenous if it was socially acceptable. He says Worker Bee and I cannot be friends anymore. WHATEVER. NOT A LOSS.

(I am slightly kidding.)

For those of you who aren't sure what a SALON PASSION DE CHOCOLAT is, allow me to explain.

What Ditz Thought It Would Be: GIANT FESTIVAL WITH CHOCOLATE FLOWING FROM FOUNTAINS AND CHOCOLATE COVERED EVERYTHINGS TO EAT AND A RIVER OF CHOCOLATE.
What It ACTUALLY Was: A chocolate/jams/wine trade show, featuring Quebec vendors.

And no, WILLY WONKA WAS NOT THERE. Jerk.

So, with this all in mind, I give you Ditz & Prince's Steps to GLUTTONY:

Start off your evening with a good piece of Shnitzel. Forget saving room. You need FRIED CHICKEN ENERGY.
Enter Show. Notice samples cost $1. IGNORE SIGNS.
Stand by Jam/Chocolate Spread station. Try EVERY SINGLE ONE, especially if there are at least 20 flavors.
Drink at least 3 complimentary espressos. You need an energy boost after all that JAM.
Divide and Conquer for ultimate snacking experience. Tag teams aren't as successful as single SNEAKERS.
Notice wine sample stations. Claim you're a restauranteur. Get extra samples. Advance 5 spaces.
Don't waste time on cookies. They are useless stomach-fillers.
Ignore #7. Everyone loves a good cookie. Or 3.
Decide you're not spending money on samples. Ignore booths that make you pay.
Try several wines at least thrice. You need to be sure before you purchase.
Eat everything free in sight. Don't be ashamed; they KNOW WHY YOU'RE THERE.
Buy anything that seems REMOTELY yummy. You won't regret it later.
Go out for a leisurely hearty dinner afterwards. You're still hungry, so STOP JUDGING YOURSELF.

Prince bought 3 bottles of wine [apple cider, currant, blueberry]. We have nearly finished one of them.

I bought 4 spreads [chocolate/red peppers/paprika, honey caramel, merlot or something red jelly, strawberry jam] and a bottle of cream apple cider. The honey caramel is nearly finished. I had it once. Methinks Kiddo likes it on toast for breakfast. SHE WOULD.

And This Is Why We Call Me Ditz

2008-11-18T15:27:00.003-05:00

Preface:
Momma Ditz decided it was necessary that I start popping VITAMINS like a good girl. I have a FANCY pink pill case. Yes, like your grandparents. I take FISH OIL tablets that look like HORSE TRANQUILIZERS and vitamin D pills. At least that's what I THINK I take. Momma Ditz gave me this beautiful pill case BECAUSE I NEVER REMEMBER TO TAKE MY VITAMINS.

[Please hold while I pop pills.]

Okay.

Momma Ditz - Ditz Verbal Exchange of the Day:

[Ditz:] Question. If I forgot to take my vitamins yesterday, do I take double dosage today?
[Momma Ditz:] Are you retarded? You shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.
[Ditz:] ...... No, seriously.
[Momma Ditz:] No, seriously, you shouldn't be allowed to ever leave the house.

Whatever. I totally had LOGIC behind my idiocy. SLIGHT LOGIC.

Sometimes, I wonder what's going on in Momma Ditz's head when I ask her BRILLIANT and THOUGHT-PROVOKING questions like I did today.

Welcome to Planet Ditz. Population: me.

CAPTION ME.

2008-11-14T11:46:00.004-05:00

I hope Prince doesn't see this before I give it to him. FOR HIS FRIDGE. I am the best girlfriend. Ever.

"Lies The Ditz Told Me" - A Third Person Account

2008-11-13T18:41:00.005-05:00

Ditz left work early today. Ditz needed her nails did. It's her Thursday-Almost-End-Of-The-Week treat. Ditz usually meets Hello Kitten for afternoon-pre-class primping. It's important to maintain SOME level of personal grooming. That, and look charming for class.

Hello Kitten opted to work on her physical maintenance. Ditz went alone. Normally, Ditz gets to yammer non-stop with Hello Kitten, thus avoiding awkward conversation with the non-English speaking manicurists. NOT THIS TIME. Ditz had to MAKE CONVERSATION. There goes Ditz's quiet-manicure time!

The lovely ManiKitten inquired what Ditz studies in school. Ditz KNEW she wouldn't understand PUBLIC RELATIONS and had zero interest in explaining, so she picked something close. English. Kind of the same thing, BUT NOT REALLY.

[ManiKitten:] "You wanna be teacher? You looka like teacher!"
[Ditz:] "Err, yes! Thanks!"
[ManiKitten:] "Where you do train? You teach!"
[Ditz, thinking hard:] "At private schools!"

Unfortunate conversations of this stature continued until Ditz went to sit with her nails under the magical dryer and was able to avoid life forms by staring at all the varieties of nail polish on the wall above her head.

While this whole shenanigan ensued, Ditz couldn't help but almost WISH she was studying something CONVENTIONAL, something like MATH. Oh, wait. SHE DID THAT ALREADY.

What Ditz apparently "studies/does": English student who wants to be a private high school English teacher.

What Ditz ACTUALLY "studies/does": PR student with a knack for shoes and things that are sparkly.

Oh, right. SAME THING.

IF YOU LIVE ON MARS.

Facebook Chat = LOLZ

2008-11-13T16:16:00.004-05:00

I seriously hope Kiddo Ditz-in-Training likes that she's getting a cameo appearance.

I was just Facebooking, as usual, when I noticed one of those PESKY chat boxes pop up. It was Miss Kiddo. Bless her soul, she crops me out of her profile pictures. They learn so fast!

Here's the transcript from our charming, albeit BRIEF conversation:

[Kiddo, 4:07 p.m.:] hi its allison

[Ditz, 4:08 p.m.:] i know
[Ditz, 4:08 p.m.:] it says your name

[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] sorry g2g
[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] bye
[Kiddo, 4:08 p.m.:] bye

I think I may have insulted her by telling her that I knew it was her because the window popped up that SAID HER NAME.

Whatever. She's hilarious.

I STAND CORRECTED

2008-11-13T15:38:00.003-05:00

I was misinformed.

I was under the impression that STAR 92.9 FM, everyone's favorite HOLIDAY MUSIC STATION, was going to start their CHRISTMAS MUSIC Nov. 1.

I just checked it out, because it's the SECOND WEEK OF NOVEMBER, and still NO HOLIDAY TUNES.

They're only starting Nov. 24.

JERKS.

Thursday Brings a NEW DITZ HERO

2008-11-13T11:36:00.011-05:00

I am infinitely sorry to be kicking Missy Quinn off the Ditz's Hero throne, but that girl needs to get cracking on the baby-making. Her biological clock IS TICKING.

Ditz's Thursday Hero is a very special man, named Martin Eisenstadt. Mr. Eisenstadt is a McCain policy advisor, hailing from the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy. Why is he important? Mr. Eisenstadt is the man responsible for leaking the story to the press that Gov. Sarah Palin [Ditz's actual LIFE hero] needed to be briefed hard on the fact that Africa is a continent.

Martin Eisenstadt does not actually exist. Nor does the organization he supposedly hails from. Martin Eisenstadt and the entire "Palin Doesn't Know What Africa Is" story is an elaborate hoax created by Eitan Gorlin and Dan Mirvish. They're looking to pitch a TV show featuring Martin Eisenstadt.

So, you wonder, why is Martin Eisenstadt a hero?

This story was featured on MSNBC.

AND almost every news media source. AS TRUTH.

What's really priceless is Martin's blog: http://www.eisenstadtgroup.com/ EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE IS CLAIMING HE ISN'T REAL, he's out there trying to prove he's a real person. KUDOS, MARTIN EISENSTADT. KUDOS. Way to assert yourself as a legitimate source of information!

I don't like summing up and giving my kittens a moral. Not everything needs to be wrapped up with a bow. EXCEPT FOR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS.

But, due to the nature of the content, I'll give you some conclusionary morals.

Don't believe anything you read online. Okay, fine. Don't believe EVERYTHING that you read online. Just because Wikipedia is THE source of all truths, doesn't mean every other website is.
If you're going to invent a new human being and give them "stories" to plant in the media, MAKE SURE nobody finds out what you did. COVER YOUR BUM FOR GOD'S SAKE.
The story you leak needs to be believable, i.e. Sarah Palin Doesn't Know What Countries Exist Outside of Alaska OR Sarah Palin Greets McCain Aides in a Towel.
If all else fails, just wear a yellow suit. You know how well that worked for Cindy McCain, Jill Biden and Roberta McCain!

FIND ME

2008-11-12T10:08:00.003-05:00

Are you a female? Do you moderately enjoy shopping and/or a good deal?

FIND ME THIS WEEK.

Classmate Kitten passed me a stack [that she's so kindly replenishing tonight] of 35% off regular/15% off sale price for La Vie en Rose/Aqua stores. For this week and this week only.

Do you want a coupon? COME FIND ME.

AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER..

2008-11-10T12:20:00.003-05:00

It's not.

MORE SAMPLE SALES.

Don't you just LOVE this city? Click on the image for complete information. AREN'T I FANCY NOW?

[Edit: I got the flier!]

3 CHEERS FOR CONSUMERISM!

Ditz = Topical

2008-11-08T15:12:00.011-05:00

In light of recent US news, Ditz can't NOT be topical. Instead of telling you how happy I am that Obama won, and how bittersweet I feel about McCain's loss, we're going to discuss something a teeeeensy bit more important.

WHO WORE WHAT and WHO LOOKED BEST.

What were you expecting? Do you KNOW who I am?!

Section 1: Attack of the Yellow Suits

Did Jill Biden miss the memo that yellow is the REPUBLICAN color du jour? Someone shoot her stylist. She would've blended in better with the Republicans. Roberta McCain is one bitter battle-axe. Why? Not because her precious son lost the election, BUT BECAUSE HIS WIFE, THAT UNGRATEFUL SOUR PATCH KID, IS ALSO WEARING YELLOW. And a BETTER yellow outfit at that. Roberta would rather be watching Matlock with a jar of prunes than be standing next to Cindy in competing YELLOW.

1 point for Cindy McCain for rocking a delicious Oscar de la Renta suit, SIMILAR BUT NOT EXACTLY THE SAME as that OTHER yellow Oscar frock she wore.

Section 2: It's Not Prom So Why Are You In Sequins

Meghan, Meghan, Meghan. I love your blog. I love your CUTE stylish outfits. ALWAYS. BUT WHAT IS THIS ATTROCITY?? It's not PROM. IT'S THE DAY YOUR FATHER ALMOST MADE IT INTO OFFICE. Sweetheart, don't wear dresses that match your hair. Not cute. No.

Section 3: Mrs. President Loves Red

Everyone is giving Miche Obama crap about her frock. HELLO? THE WOMAN NORMALLY WEARS H&M DRESSES. This is a Narciso Rodriguez. This is a big step for the First Lady who is a generally SMART SHOPPER. She even matched the kinderlach to her frock. AND Barack-You-Like-A-Hurricane's tie. I think she looked supercute. Okay, so the dress is not THE most flattering, but come on. Let's give the woman some props for going designer!

Section 4: I Can See Russia From My Home

Alaska's favorite beauty queen shimmers in a lovely navy blue suit, coordinated to match - not clash - with Cindy McCain. Palin's Republican "stylists" opted to downplay her obvious assets and make sure her outfit didn't outshine Cindy's. We know Sarah is sexy, but SHE WOULDN'T BE SEXIER THAN THE FIRST LADY because NOBODY is allowed to TOP the first lady!

So, let's rank the choice ladies of Election Night 2008. From top to bottom, WHO LOOKED BEST:

Sarah Palin - OBVIOUSLY. She can do NO WRONG. NEVER.
Jill Biden - uncoordinated with her party, but ADORABLE AS ALL HECK.
Cindy McCain - Oscar de la Renta would shoot her if she wasn't in the top 3.
Michelle Obama - props for her designer choice, let's see what she pulls out of her hat for INAUGURATION DAY.
Meghan McCain - not prom, but doable. Go return the 17 dresses you bought for inauguration day. It's just not happening.
Roberta McCain - stop trying to steal Cindy's spotlight, IT WAS HER DAY.

See? Sometimes I care what's going on in the world. SOMETIMES.

Ditz's Hero Of The Month - NEW SERIES

2008-11-08T13:30:00.006-05:00

[This will be a new series if I remember to do so. And/or if my precious kittens love it.]

Hello Kitten is a gem. While she IS a general hero to most - always looks top notch, never has a bad day, glorious specimen in general - she is NOT this month's hero. She INTRODUCED me to this month's hero.

OR SHOULD I SAY HEROINE.

Allow me to introduce you to Missy Quinn. Missy Quinn is 16. Missy Quinn hails from what the Brits call a Caravan Community. That's GYPSY to us laymen. Missy Quinn is easily the only 16 year old bride who's had THIS MUCH PRESS. See that picture? That's Missy Quinn in her wedding "gown". She's my hero. Why? Because her father paves driveways, and her mother is a Glamour Model, and Missy aspires to be a Glamour Model and hasn't been in formal - NO, actual - school since she was 9. Lucky for us, Missy Quinn can't read any of the beautiful articles everyone's been writing about her. Missy Quinn's wedding to a 17 year old chap she met at a theme park (she was showing him a "good time" on the Tilt-a-Whirl, and he won her a stuffed parrot) cost her hard-workin' folks a mighty £100,000 [according to today's currency converter, is $184,777.76 Canadian]. That's a heck of a lot of driveways to be paved, Missy!

Okay, fine. I'll admit it. I AM TOTALLY JEALOUS OF THIS CONCOCTION THAT SHE CALLS A DRESS. I want a two-piece dress that weighs so much that I can't stand up. I want every single guest at my wedding to have to help yank me out of the Rolls-Royce Phantom limo because my "dress" is too big. I want people marveling at how many Swarovski crystals are embedded in my flesh.

I JUST WANT A GIANT TIARA AND A GIANT SWAROVSKI CRYSTAL BOUQUET.

Say Cheese! GROUP PHOTO! That hot broad on the far left is Missy Quinn's mother, Theresa. She's 33. SHE married her precious husband at 16 years of age. You do the math.

Papa Bear Simon Quinn's quote just sums up the entire affair.

“I’m very proud of her today.”

And you know what, Simon? We are too.

Visa, It's Back to Witness Protection For You.

2008-11-08T12:33:00.005-05:00

OK. SERIOUSLY.

I have a zillion better things to talk about but before I even get REMOTELY started, let's talk about the anxiety attack I had yesterday afternoon, between 1:30 p.m. and 2:45 p.m.

There were rumors that this gem wasn't really opening. I feared HARDCORE that it was an urban legend and that the emails they were sending me WEREN'T REAL.

THANK GOD I WAS WRONG.

The folks who bring us the elusive Juicy sample sale ACTUALLY opened up an outlet store. I naturally went on opening day. I was overwhelmed for a solid 30 minutes. IT'S THE BEST STORE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

Let's do a walkaround of what this haven has:

A wall of DENIM. ALL SIZES.
1 gigantic table of Juicy track suits. EVERY COLOR IN THE GODDAMN RAINBOW. Terry, fleece, velour. THEY'RE ALL THERE. EVERY. SIZE.
1 gigantic table of 1-of-a-kind Juicy sample suits [majority size small- NOT PETITE, but small] - these are more novelty ones.
1 table of Ed Hardy and other novelty tshirts.
1 table of Vince cashmere and James Perse and other goodies.
An area for trendy children's clothing.
A large region of MEN'S stuff. [SEE? I sometimes care for the men!]
All along one wall, dresses, sportswear, blouses, EVERYTHING.

I DID NOT KNOW WHERE TO START.

The wall of assorted hanged goodies is primarily last season overstock from Abe & Mary's. Like all those delicious cocktail dresses? HALF PRICE.

Prince? Let's go somewhere fancy. I WANT TO GET NEW PARTY DRESSES.

Kittens, this store is out of control. IN A GOOD WAY.

I know you're wondering what I left with. A black terry Juicy suit. Boring, I know. A teal CASHMERE Juicy suit. That's right. CASHMERE. A GLORIOUS Juicy silk printed full mini skirt.

That image is a SCREENCAP of the email they'd sent me. It has the address on it. RUN, DON'T WALK.

They seriously have the most enthusiastic staff I've ever encountered. I had not one, but TWO kittens helping me search for matching cashmere. TWO. AND they were SUPER NICE about it. "Oh, if we come across this color and you're still here, we'll hang onto it for you."

SURE, THEY JUST LOVE WHEN I SPEND MONEY.

Oh, and they're going to be getting in new shipments. Every week.

MORE SAMPLE SALEAGE.

2008-11-05T13:03:00.008-05:00

This is probably the reason that our Lord upstairs put blogging into my hands. TO TELL EVERYONE WHEN/WHERE TO GET GOOD DEALS.

I truthfully have not gone to ANY this season. SORRY. NOT HAPPENING. I AM TOO POOR FOR THAT. I'm really just saving my pennies to surprise myself with a gigantic birthday present. For myself. From somewhere fancy.

So, without further ado, here's what I've got this week:

Ponyride Agency [home to Sweetees, Necessary Objects and a pile of other brands] is having a majority Ladieswear only sale. CASH ONLY.
225 Chabanel, suite 405 : Thursday, Nov. 6 & Friday, Nov. 7, 9 a.m. - 8 p.m.

Surplus Sunglasses [Tom Ford, Dior, Gucci, Ray Ban, Marc Jacobs & more] -> I went to this one last spring and bought two pairs of sunglasses. It's pretty great if you love sunglasses! They take ALL FORMS of payment!
5249 de la Savane/corner Decarie: Thursday, Nov. 13 & Friday, Nov. 14: 10 a.m. - 9 p.m. and Saturday, Nov. 15 & Sunday, Nov. 16: 12 p.m. - 5 p.m.

Nuage is outerwear. Coats. I've actually gone there before for coats. Click on the image for the information!

This one my mum sent me. Again, check the image for details. Canadian designers! Free Parking!

Go shop! YAY CONSUMERISM!

I NEVER Do This...

2008-11-01T14:22:00.007-04:00

...SO KNOW THAT IT'S SPECIAL.

I don't ADORE posting TONS of pictures of myself. At least not on my blog. However, given the circumstances of last night and a certain Ditz's costume, I can't NOT share.

I was your mother's worst nightmare. Or Miley Cyrus in 6 months. Or Jamie-Lynn Spears. Or Bristol Palin. Whatever!

Prince was a Greek Wedding Singer. He had the best dance moves at the Blue Dog. AND the best facial hair.

My mother didn't LOVE my costume. She told me to remove my belly so the neighbors wouldn't talk.

HAPPY INAUGURAL HOLIDAY MUSIC DAY!

Greetings From The Bunny Patch

2008-10-31T09:45:00.004-04:00

I'm technically the only person in the office who dressed up for Halloween. Shocker. I brought Top Worker Bee a set of ears to wear. At least I'm not alone.

I'm a bunny. A grey bunny. In my bunny patch with Bunny-Worker-Bee.

Today is my favorite day of the year. Not because it's Halloween and I can load up on candy. Today is the eve of November 1. No, not because we'll be one month away from my birthday (National Holiday).

Why?

BECAUSE TOMORROW IS THE DAY THAT 92.9 LITE ROCK STATION STARTS PLAYING HOLIDAY/CHRISTMAS MUSIC. ALL. DAY. LONG. UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Ditz & Prince's costumes for tonight's festivities are technically still up in the air. Let's not talk about that.

Google = COOLEST EVER.

2008-10-30T17:25:00.004-04:00

Debatedly COOLER THAN YOU.

Also, potentially COOLER THAN THE HAIR ON A POLAR BEAR'S TUSSY.

[I started this post on the 11th and promptly forgot about it. Whoops. You don't want to know how many posts are still unfinished drafts. Okay. Maybe 5.]

I came across this teensy little gem ages ago. It's a charming little Google Lab tool, for your Gmail. Hey. Remember that drunk email you sent me at 4 a.m. telling me how much you hate my blog?

I GOT IT.

Didn't turn on your Google GOGGLES, eh?

So, what does this do? Turn it on, and during high-traffic "alcohol consumption" times, you're prompted to answer 3 magical mathematical questions before your email is allowed to travel the wonders of cyberspace.

Right, cool.

So, what happens during 4 p.m. happy hour? What about my Mid-Morning Monday Martoonis? WHAT ABOUT THOSE EMAILS? And HEY. Those math questions are SUPER EASY. I studied MATH in university. Simple multiplication is JOKES. THROW SOME INTEGRALS IN THERE. HOW ABOUT A LAPLACE TRANSFORMATION?

GET BACK TO THE LAB, GOOGLE, AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL I SAY SO.

Another Sale - Hide Your Credit Cards

2008-10-30T08:16:00.005-04:00

Marcelle/Annabelle Cosmetics Sale [HEY, I GOT PICTURES OF THE FLIER. I AM FANCY.]

Special thanks to Disaster Pet for passing this one along. Who knew he liked lip gloss that much?

[Note: click on the images to ENLARGE and read INFORMATION]

Riddle Me This, BATMAN

2008-10-29T22:46:00.004-04:00

I wish this was a Batman-related post.

IT'S NOT.

Currently sitting across a table from Hello Kitten, working like little bees on a communications plan DUE TOMORROW. Why are we puttering about now? Because we're last-minute kittens.
Why is this relevant?

An unnamed group member of ours opted to write her sections in her mother tongue, FRENCH. That's cool and all, sure, but don't send the designated editors HALF-FRENCH/HALF-ENGLISH PARTS.

That's not the punch line. Wait for it.

Some of the sentences in her original text were beyond incomprehensible. I'd put examples, but that's just PLAIN MEAN. Hello Kitten and I proceeded to read them out loud several times, and couldn't get ourselves off the floor. I wanted to share this with the world, and by the world, I mean Disaster Pet.

You know something? He's really smart. The instant I sent it to him he pegged it.
BABELFISH TRANSLATIONS. AT A UNIVERSITY LEVEL. Seriously. And JUST to prove he was right, I put the "english" sentence into the fishy translator and BOOM. Coherent French sentence.

WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN? Babelfish doesn't translate FULL SENTENCES. It does it WORD - BY - WORD.

I called my mother to tell her about this. She loves my "Group-Work-Blows" stories. LOVES.

"IS THAT GIRL DEMENTED?"
"Yes, Mom. I think she may be."
"ARE YOU CRYING???"
"NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT MOMMY."

I MAY have to make an ultimate list of lessons learned from McGill Public Relations Group Projects.

YET ANOTHER EMPTY PROMISE, DITZ.

Halloweeny Options, Featuring Ditz

2008-10-29T16:42:00.004-04:00

It's only Wednesday, and everyone's FAVORITE Pagan holiday is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, and I have already gone through 7 costume options.

ALL NIXED.

In no particular order, I bring you Ditz's Rejected Halloween 2008 Costumes:

Sarah Palin - it's 90% nixed. EVEN THOUGH I AM CLEARLY AS SEXY AS SEXY SARAH, I can't see myself having enough hours in the next two days to master that MAVERICK's brilliant accent.
Girl Scout - COMPLETE with inappropriately shaped cookies and a sash with "badges". NOT EVERY COSTUME HAS TO BE SLUTTY.
Bee - I wanted a reason to wear that STUPID black and yellow striped tank top that a former friend FORCED me to buy years ago at H&M. It may or may not have the tags still on.
Cougar - as in creature of the night, not feline. Some people say it's not socially acceptable to prey on my sister's 12/13 year old male friends. Those people JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COOL.
2 Headed Monster - rejected for bathroom purposes. Duh. I like privacy.
Princess - no. I wish.
Pregnant Prom Queen - I selfishly wanted a portable stand for martoonis. I don't own any clothes that fit over maternity bellies, and apparently nobody who was recently pregnant bought any maternity dresses. Truth: it might still happen. I have a belly being delivered. I have amazing connections.
Shotgun Wedding - I don't want to be jinxed THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Pavarotti & a Margherita Pizza and/or any combination of Large Celebrity & Snack Food - rejected for practical reasons. I am neither large nor snacky.
Bristol Palin - similar issues to #7, although this one's incredibly TOPICAL.
Retired Playboy Bunny - you know, she was fired because she got knocked up! ANOTHER USE FOR PREGNANCY BELLY.

Relating to All Hallow's Eve, I went to the local Dollar Boutique on Monday, to get accessories [Monday, I was going to be Sarah Palin, but then I changed my mind. 78 times.] for my costume, and I was paying for the following items: a tiara, a recorder (musical instrument, not recording device) and a toy shotgun. The kind elderly lady behind me [NO, SHE DIDN'T TRY TO PUSH IN FRONT OF ME] remarked on my purchases.

"Oh, so you're going as a princess for Halloween? How lovely!"

"Err, not exactly. More like SARAH PALIN. See? I have a shotgun. See? A recorder in case there's a talent competition!!"

[Lady is uneasy]

"Oh. Well... That's... interesting? Have fun!"

Which leads me to believe that she A. thinks I'm a lunatic or B. has no idea who Sarah Palin is.

Correct Answer: C. all of the above.

SO, You Think You're FUNNY, EH?

2008-10-29T01:12:00.003-04:00

Dear Mother Nature,

This is because I didn't put on my winter tires yet, right? This is because I laugh at all things GREEN, right?

Fall is my favorite season. WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING HERE? BEING FUNNY? NO.

When I was getting GASOLINE this morning for my gas-guzzling Mazda 3, Princess, I was thinking how GLAD I am that it ISN'T SNOWING YET, because pumping gas outside when there's snow and it's cold IS JUST PLAIN MISERABLE. DID YOU NOT HEAR ME THINK THAT??

I thought we had an understanding. You lay off the snow until my birthday, and I try hard not to pollute.

THE LEAST YOU COULD'VE DONE WAS MAKE IT THAT LIGHT WATERY SNOW THAT MELTS IMMEDIATELY. No, you had to make it HEAVY STICKY SNOWBALL-GRADE SNOW.

BUT I DON'T HAVE WINTER TIRES ON YET.

Are you in cahoots with the winter tire manufacturers? How much are they paying you? It's a little too convenient that it suddenly snowed TODAY when the weather was LOVELY and peachy and the leaves haven't even finished falling and they were crunchy and fun. It's because they passed that INFERNAL law about mandatory winter tires, isn't it?

Oh. I know why. It's because I wore my fake-fur moccasins to work today. Oh.

I get it.

Sigh.

Let's reconsider the snow situation, okay? Thanks.
Your pal,
Miss Ditz

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? ME, THAT'S WHO.

2008-10-29T00:21:00.004-04:00

Pre-blog, I went on an excursion to Toronto, to visit my favorite Toronto Kitten. She conned me into buying THE most INAPPROPRIATE dress EVER. It's been worn EXACTLY ONCE, and that ONE time, it got LOOKS. Not your average "Oh, hey, that's a COOL DRESS" looks, or even "WELL, it's a little out there, but she is ADORABLE" looks. More like "CHRIST, THAT GIRL HAS SOME NERVE" looks.

You all laughed at me, and told me this was not a dress for a nice girl from Cote St Luc. BUT I KEPT IT ANYWAYS.

Words do not do this FROCK justice. But do you know what DOES do it justice? THIS.

No, your eyes do not deceive you. THAT'S A ZIPPER THAT RUNS FROM THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM. It fits like a Herve Leger bandage dress. Except it's not.

Guess what.

People Magazine's Style Watch in this week's issue (MADONNA AND GUY RITCHIE SPLIT: NO PRENUP, NO SOULS, NO MERCY!) features something interesting. ZIPPER DRESSES.

HAH.

SO. THERE. ONCE AGAIN, DITZ IS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.

IN ADDITION

2008-10-24T08:35:00.003-04:00

I feel like today is one of those days where I post 193754 entries. I'm in the GROOVE. Maybe I should be drying my hair and going to work.
MAYBE NOT.

Say it, all together now: MISPLACED PRIORITIES.

Quickly, because I already did NOT get my $5 today for leaving on time.

Last week, Miss Ditz hit a new high of weekly readers. 305 VISITS.

I know it seems PALTRY at best, (no, not POULTRY) BUT IT'S A START. I THINK IT'S A BIG DEAL.

So, some randomized shout outs: Obviously HELLO to all my magnificent Canadian readers. HELLO to my kitten readers in L.A. HELLO to my delicious readers in Denver and HELLO to my pets in New York!

You're all PRECIOUS and I LOVE you all.

Well, maybe MOST of you.
XOXO

Something That Makes Me LOL

2008-10-24T08:17:00.004-04:00

I really do NOT love the Pussycat Dolls. I loved the original burlesque show concept. The band? NO.

They have this ONE song that really GRINDS MY GEARS. You know which one? "When I grow up, I wanna have [INSERT HERE]"

I argued endlessly with my male pets. "GUYS. IT'S GROUPIES, NOT BOOBIES."

And they'd say, "DITZ, IT'S ABOUT BOOBIES. THEY'RE THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS."

And Ditz'd GRUNT and ignore them.

Momma Ditz & I read People Magazine like it would be the Bible. I saw this bit weeks ago, but consistently forgot to mention it. One week, they wrote about the song, and about how the Pussycat Dolls wanted BOOBIES when they grew up. I snorted when I saw that. Great. So the lyrics are really BOOBIES. PEOPLE MAGAZINE DOESN'T LIE.

Or do they...

The following week, because I am a SUPER NERD, I was scanning their corrections box. I love when magazines screw up. Turns out, THEY SCREWED UP THE LYRICS.

IT'S GROUPIES.

DITZ: 1, MALE PETS: 0.

Heard Outside a Manicure Salon

2008-10-24T08:10:00.004-04:00

I have excellent priorities. What does a little Ditz do with an hour before she's due in class? GET A MANICURE. So, while waiting for Hello Kitten to prance on over from her studies at the library, Ditz took in some FRESH air and sat outside the manicure salon.

Seen: 2 ladies walking. One was notably wearing a great pair of moccasin boots. Someone tell me where to get a GOOD pair. Thanks.

Heard: tidbits of their conversation, arguably about male-dominated situations.

Quote: "GIRL, YOU'VE JUST GOT TO GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!"

I wish I was obnoxious enough to say that to people I barely know. I would also tell those people that leggings aren't pants, and that their cankles don't look cute.

But really Ditz, why is this quote quotable? (Potable Potents? What is this? Jeopardy?)

Too often I find myself - and I'm sure you find yourself too - censoring how I really feel about situations. No, that's a lie. Everyone knows I say the bitter truth. It's really YOU. We ALL know the truth hurts. Get over it. Be real. GET A GRIP!

Rocking Presentations: Version 2.4

2008-10-22T14:17:00.004-04:00

This may become a recurring series, given that I have piles of presentations coming up.

You all may remember my previous entry on this subject, http://theanecditz.blogspot.com/2008/04/skewed-priorities-or-how-to-rock.html
or the fact that I tend to spend more time primping than working on school-related work.

Not news.

Last time, my presentation was a group presentation. Last night, my presentation was a SOLO VENTURE. I haven't done one of those in ages. Potentially ever.

So, as per usual, I give you Ditz's Guide to Rocking Presentations Like a Hurricane.

Make sure your topic is something you know the MOST ABOUT in your entire class (and/or the world). It's not fun to present something that EVERYONE ALREADY UNDERSTANDS.
Spend an unusually large amount of time choosing a catchy title. It's important to GRAB your audience in the first 12 seconds of your presentation. Good titles make you think. GREAT TITLES have a colon in them. No, not THAT KIND.
Use PowerPoint. Everyone loves PowerPoint. That, and it looks like you put it A HECK OF A LOT MORE WORK INTO IT than you actually have.
3 days before the presentation: decide that working on anything else aside from it is a priority. Tell people you're really stressed.
2 days before the presentation: start working intensely hard on your slides.
On PowerPoint - pick a slide design template that has at least ONE shade of pink. Everyone LOVES pink.
Put at least ONE clip art image on each slide. Clip art is equivalent to sunshine on a cloudy day.
Make sure you have a pile and a half of fun graphs, charts, useless pictures to hand out. Everyone loves a distraction.
When a professor says they want a "Business" presentation, what they REALLY mean is they want an ENTERTAINING & FUN & CASUAL presentation. Obviously.
Day of presentation: be really stressed. Call in sick to work. Take a 2 hour power nap filled with HIGH ANXIETY dreams about sleeping through your presentation.
Spend vast majority of your day dreaming about what outfit to wear. Spend the other part of your day endlessly recounting how REAL your anxiety dreams were.
4 hours before presentation: trek over to local Bureau En Gros to save on your own personal ink supply and print out FUN HANDOUTS on glossies.
Spend 20 minutes arguing with Bureau En Gros technicians at how they actively try to ruin your life by not having any functioning color printers AT ANY OF THEIR LOCATIONS.
Print out dozens of Wikipedia articles on your topic for reference points. Hello? Wikipedia is THE ultimate source of all truths.
2 hours before presentation: have an ultimate freak-out breakdown. Uninvite your precious Prince from attending. HE is the reason you're stressed. It's not the fact that you're still missing 2 crucial slides; it's that you're nervous to perform in front of him. HE MIGHT JUDGE YOU.
95 minutes before presentation: finish slides. Calm down.
1 hour before presentation: show Momma slides. After all, she GAVE YOU LIFE, she deserves to see your slides.
T-45 minutes: take a leisurely shower. You have to look your best, and you KNOW IT.
Change your outfit 12 times. Decide on something borderline provocative. If they aren't going to focus on your presentation, let them focus on your goods.
Arrive 12 minutes late to class. You need to make an entrance and you know it.
When the projector doesn't work, sit on a desk and present casually.
1 word: SMILE. Everyone needs to see what your parents paid good money to fix. Take cues from the Cheshire Cat. He knows where it's at!
Keeping in mind that you have a time limit of 10-15 minutes, ignore that, and talk for 35-40 minutes. You're interesting, your topic is the best AND YOU HAVE NO REGARD FOR ANYONE ELSE'S TIME.
Graciously accept any/all questions from the peanut gallery. Questions = interest. Lack of questions = you suck.
Curtsy when your classmates clap for you. YOU ROCK!

My classmates told me I was delicious. I only half believe them. I do believe they were just mesmerized by the fact that my presentation was based on the art of blogging and Facebook.

Let's be serious here. Beyond shoes, what else am I physically capable to talk about?

Get Your Life Jacket Ready

2008-10-20T01:15:00.003-04:00

Little Ditz enters the next wave:

Ditz is a Twitter.

https://twitter.com/lilmissjackie

C'est moi, precious kittens!

Follow me!

How To Conquer Second Cup During Study Hours

2008-10-19T15:25:00.005-04:00

...And successfully take over two tables.

Scene: Deuxieme Tasse at Parc & Milton
Players: Miss Ditz & Munchkin Kitten

Issue: Crowded coffee house = lack of appropriately sized tables for study/work use.

Solution:

Stalk out all potential seats. Tables NOT near power outlets = bad. Tables with uncomfortable chairs = bad.
Find a single table with two chairs next to an unwilling neighbor.
Make sure you have at least 2 giant bags with you. Laptop and annoyingly large pencil case are bonuses.
So are Apple Babas.
Shift table away from unfriendly neighbor, stating that you're moving the table so you're not ON TOP OF HER.
Ignore her rude glares.
Mention casually - and LOUDLY - how much you hope people leave so you can grab their better tables.
Notice girls misusing a set of tables. Mention loudly that a second table is NOT a storage unit.
Discuss openly the fact that if they don't smarten up and move, you will MAKE THEM MOVE.
Smile casually when unfriendly neighbor starts packing up her bags and abandons ship.
Throw out her coffee for her.
MOVE TABLES TOGETHER. AND. CONQUER.

Moral of the story: if you whine and kvetch obnoxiously enough, you can subtly bully ANYONE into leaving their table and work environment.

Food For Thought

2008-10-16T13:38:00.004-04:00

God, I wish this was a post about snacks. I love snacks.

It's not.

Heard on Montreal's Light Rock Station Q92 this week:
Montreal has been rated as one of the most UNFRIENDLY major metropolis cities in the world. New York is apparently the friendliest.

I mention this because I victimize strangers with elevator eyes on a daily basis.

No, not really.

I mention this because a friendly American Worker Bee stepped into my office and announced that he'd gotten clear lost during his first sojourn in our fair city and NOT A SINGLE PERSON HELPED HIM OUT.

Typical. I'd likely snort at someone who asked me for directions. That, or I'd send them in the opposite direction.

NO. NOT ACTUALLY. Well, maybe. Depends on the day.

Maybe we should take this little snackpack of love and think. The price of a smile is free. EVEN AT MCDONALD'S. You can order a BAG FULL of smiles. WHAT WOULD IT COST YOU TO BE NICE TO THAT OLD MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING?

Oh right. Your soul.

Hey? Kittens? Go smile at 4 strangers today. Just do it. Ditz says so.

BAD NEWS - SAMPLE SALE RELATED

2008-10-11T16:11:00.003-04:00

Shocker - the Juicy sale was canceled.

HOWEVER.

The company that "deals" with this sale CLAIMS they're just opening an ALL THE TIME outlet store.

SKEPTICAL DITZ DOESN'T BELIEVE THIS. Do you?

Are You Sure You Want That Elastic?

2008-10-09T09:45:00.004-04:00

I sincerely love hilariously disturbing news bits.

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2007-11/13/content_6251535.htm

Remember that trip you took to China? Remember those really cheap colorful hair elastics you found in the marketplace?

Unravel them. Find a used condom inside. Throw them out.

I'm not going to lie. This is completely revolting, BUT, also a strangely innovative use for used condoms. When I originally found this GEM, I understood that they were using FRESH "defective" condoms. UMM. NO. They're used. You can get diseases by putting it in your mouth. DELICIOUS!

I find this whole situation mindboggling. I LIKE the idea of recycle-cycling things that would normally be taking up space in our beautiful planet's landfills. I DON'T like the idea of companies HIDING crucial information about what they're selling you. Who do they think they are? Maple Leaf Foods?

What's next? Used Band-Aids as garnish in my martini? Pencil-shavings in my moisturizer?

This whole notion of companies hiding seemingly "useless" information isn't news. I just don't understand. Everything ALWAYS gets out into the media and public. WHY HIDE IT?

No, wait. Better question:

WHY ARE YOU HIDING USED CONDOMS IN HAIR ELASTICS?

Specimen Moment

2008-10-08T10:01:00.003-04:00

Hello Kitten? This is for you.

Background information: Hello Kitten and I had a lovely shopping excursion a few weeks ago. We went to her beloved sneaky boutique and tried on the entire store. We're good like that. Hello Kitten was struggling to put on one dress, and upon exiting the fitting room, Friendly Salespet and I informed her that no, the dress isn't too small. Hello Kitten struggled because she didn't notice the INSIDE ZIPPER on the frock.

I laughed at Hello Kitten's mishap, saying "Oh, Ditz NEVER misses a zipper. Ditz is WAYYYY too smart to make mistakes LIKE THAT."

Uh huh.

Flash forward to this morning.

Ditz puts on a new frock that she purchased with Momma Ditz. STRUGGLES ENDLESSLY to get it over her head.

Mmm hmm. What did Ditz not notice? HIDDEN SIDE ZIPPER. Ditz = blind. Legally.

Seriously?

2008-10-08T08:10:00.002-04:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27065016/?GT1=43001

I don't even know where to begin on this one.

I find it completely unsettling that our friends in Nepal have named a 3 year old the latest living deity.

That's not my problem with this though. It's common in their culture to have baby girls as living gods. Okay, cool. I didn't say much when that impoverished village took that baby who was born with a few extra limbs and made her [or was it a him? I don't remember] a god. Same goes for the two-faced baby. Way to capitalize on birth defects. You don't see THAT in Cote St. Luc.

I actually read this entire article. It's short and "sweet". Usually, I read the bottom first, then scan the top for other important facts.

It's not the part about the tests that bother me. It's not even the fact that she's removed from her family until she becomes a biological woman.

It's this:
Critics say the tradition violates both international and Nepalese laws on child rights. The girls often struggle to readjust to normal lives after they return home.
Nepalese folklore holds that men who marry a former kumari will die young, and so many girls remain unmarried and face a life of hardship.

FOR 10 YEARS OF BEING A LIVING DEITY, THIS GIRL WILL NEVER HAVE A NORMAL LIFE WHEN IT'S OVER. Is it really worth it? SHE MAY NEVER GET MARRIED. How can this girl actually adjust to normal, impoverished Nepalese life after spending crucial years being prodded and worshiped by her village?

These girls are the pageant-heads of tomorrow.

GUESS WHAT SEASON IT IS??

2008-10-07T16:56:00.002-04:00

3 WORDS:

SAMPLE
SALE
SEASON

I thought this time of year would NEVER COME.

So, because I love you all dearly and I implore you to shop like the Ditz, I list for you this month's - SO FAR - sample sales.

Rudsak [leather purses, jackets, accessories]: 9160 St. Laurent, Suite 202
October 16: 10 a.m. - 7 p.m.
October 17: 10 a.m. - 7 p.m.
October 18: 10 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Se Ce Apparel [Juicy Couture, Seven for all Mankind, Vince, Ed Hardy..]: 4910A Jean Talon W.
October 17: 9 a.m. - 7 p.m.
October 18: 10 a.m. - 4 p.m.

How International [C&C California, Joe's Jeans, Frankie B...]: 6585 St Urbain
October 23: 12 p.m. - 8 p.m.
October 24: 12 p.m. - 8 p.m.
October 25: 10 a.m. - 5 p.m.

Braderie de Mode Quebecoise [Mackage, Soia & Kyo, Rudsak...]: Marche Bonsecours
October 23: 10 a.m. - 9 p.m.
October 24: 10 a.m. - 9 p.m.
October 25: 10 a.m. - 5 p.m.
October 26: 10 a.m. - 5 p.m.

I'm sure you're all wondering what's what, what's worth going to, all those kinds of details. Allow me to proceed...

Rudsak's exclusive sale is pretty decent. Know your prices. Snap up leather jackets if you find one you like. From what I remember, they take cash, credit cards, interac. They just want you to buy. It's worth it if you love Rudsak and/or leather
Se Ce is that elusive Juicy sale that everyone raves about. That's the one you need to show up hours upon hours in advance. Is it worth it? Yes. Juicy suits at half price. Sevens for $100. Discounted Vince cashmere. They also take all forms of payment. It's obnoxious to wait in line for hours, but it's also obnoxious to pay $250+ for a Juicy velour track suit.
How Int'l I don't know much about. I saw the event on Facebook. The flier seems pleasant. They ONLY take cash. Keep that in mind if you decide to go.
Braderie de Mode Quebecoise is top notch. I try to make an appearance every time they have this sale [once in Fall, and once again in late Spring]. The Mackage & Soia & Kyo coats are on sale for MAJOR CHEAPS. They also have a Rudsak section, so if you miss the Rudsak sale, you still have a chance to pick up some purses. There are also piles of Quebec designers who set up shop with samples. Great place to pick up original and unique pieces. Mackage/Soia takes cash only. Most of the vendors are cash only. Marche Bonsecours happens to have an ATM, but bring cash if you're planning on spending.

Enjoy sweet kittens! Be fruitful and SHOP!

You're Going To Laugh...

2008-10-05T17:40:00.004-04:00

I know I always talk shopping and shoes and things that are pretty. I know I also talk a lot about how much of a Ditz I am. I know you all LIKELY think that there's not much that goes on inside my head beyond Betsey Johnson, Coach, shoes, poutine, sparkly shiny objects and candy. THAT IS NOT THE CASE, MY PETS.

Sometimes, actually ALWAYS, I like to check out the hilarious headliners on the MSN homepage. I refuse to change my browser homepage to anything else, because I feel like it connects me to the world and/or current events.

http://tech.msn.com/products/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=10762232

Chill kittens. It's a slide show with minimal blurb writing article. You won't need to focus THAT MUCH.

I came across this article, partly because I was swayed by the title, and partly because I always read articles that have a picture of the Nintendo Wii on the front page. I'm a 15 year old boy sometimes.

The reason I draw your attention to this little gem is not what you're expecting. I'm not pushing you to run out and spend a fortune on the underrated products. Quite the opposite, actually...

A week or so ago, I discovered Google Documents, Google Calendar. A few months ago, I "bought" an iPod Touch. I drool when I see a Nintendo Wii [I'm currently thinking of elaborate ploys to permanently "borrow" my Prince Delish's Wii]. I secretly wish I wasn't so oddly cheap and used iTunes.

Why is this relevant?

I was going to post a blog endlessly and shamelessly promoting Google functions. I was going to talk about how Google Calendar is potentially the greatest thing to enter my life since Michael Kors and Marc Jacobs. I probably would have mentioned how Google Calendar has replaced my STUPID french agenda, because Google Calendar is ENGLISH [or any language you ask for, except Pirate English - anyone notice that on Facebook? ARRRRRR].

Check out the article. All the fun things that I love in the techworld ARE OVERRATED. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. From the Wii to iPhone, iPod Touch to iTunes. EVEN GOOGLE FUNCTIONS ARE THERE.

TYPICAL. I WOULD LIKE THINGS THAT ARE OVERRATED.

You know what else is overrated? Facebook.

Know what wasn't listed as overrated? My Blog.

Facebook: Friend or Foe?

2008-10-04T11:09:00.004-04:00

For a change, I don't have anything negative to say about Mark Zuckerberg's latest changes. I'm a little bit used to New Facebook. I actually like it. Like really like it.

I was recently looking at friends' profiles [yes, I do that, and you do too, stop denying it] and marveling at how much I can learn about someone just by stalking their profile. Now, I know what you're thinking. THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Obviously you can gather valuable information from a PERSONAL PROFILE, but that isn't my point. We're getting there.

I'm talking more about what your profile says about you. How many friends you have. How many tagged pictures, IF you allow people to see tagged pictures. Your wall posts. Your about me. Your status changes. How often you update your status, and what you're updating for.

I love Facebook. I think it's one of the most brilliant networking tools that exist today. I know this is an obvious topic to mention. Shoot me.

In an age where it's not uncommon to broadcast your entire life on the Internet, it's interesting to see who posts what, and where. I marvel at Facebook friends who post albums of their new haircut, who change their statuses to coordinate with their ever-changing schedule. Does anybody really care about your haircut? We don't care if you're eating soup for dinner for the 8th night in a row. We don't care if you're going to sleep early YET AGAIN. I'm not saying I'm a perfect Facebook specimen. I'm insanely guilty of a hectic profile.

It's curious what different people deem as appropriate amounts of personal information. I can't see your wall, but your list of favorite bands is extensive. You have 1034 friends, but you won't post a profile picture. Just how much information is too much?

Looking at assorted profiles, victims ranging in age, I can't make a serious hypothesis. Really, it depends on the user. Internet privacy is such a funny bird. Every time I add a new friend, I always check out my own profile. This is what they can see about me. Everything you see posted on my profile has a place. Everything has a reason. It's completely calculated. Have I put too much thought into my profile page?

Maybe you just haven't put enough into yours.

Take a good, hard, long look at your profile. Maybe you're revealing too much. Maybe you're not revealing enough. Time for a profile update!

Everything Is Changing.. And I Feel The Same

2008-10-04T10:51:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, little Ditzes feel strangely in tune with nature.

I felt the changing of the seasons a few nights ago. The wind was out of control, blowing gusts through the changing leaves on the trees. I wished I'd thought of bringing gloves. I wished I knew where I put all those scarves of mine, because pashminas just DON'T CUT IT. I was infinitely thankful that I was wearing a sensible coat.

It's that time of year.

Leaves turning from green, to yellow, to orange and red.

So, with the changing of the seasons, I bring you some real changes. Seasons change. Life changes. Styles change. Fall is my season of rebirth. As celebration of these 6 months of AnecDitzisms, we're doing a teensy overhauling. Where do you all come in? I encourage you to comment. Tell me when you like something I write. Tell me when you disagree with me. Communicate with the Ditz. My changes won't be possible without your cooperation. Don't let the Ditz down.

I'm going to be more consistent in my postings, I need to decide on which days I'll officially be posting, because we ALL know me writing every single day is so not realistic. And so not happening. YET.

THANKS KITTENS/Quote Of The Week

2008-09-25T08:07:00.003-04:00

Today, I celebrate - along with all of you - my delicious 6 month blogniversary. Today, 6 months ago, I embarked on this lovely journey, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S ONLY JUST BEGINNING.

Sweet kittens & precious pets, I adore you all and appreciate your support endlessly. Get excited for the major changes that'll be happening soon!

I'm naturally celebrating tonight, with a gigantic martoooni (Top Worker Bee? That's for you!) and delicious company, featuring Hello Kitten, friendly classmate & total specimen.

Hello Kitten, actually, on Tuesday, gave me this week's quote of the week.
"Leggings aren't pants."

So true, Hello Kitten. So true.

LOVE YOU ALL. It's only uphill from here!
XOXO

Quick Points of Order

2008-09-23T00:33:00.001-04:00

Re: previous Vlog entry.

It's a little more shaky than last time, so crank up your volume. I speak in a little teensy girl voice.

You'll all notice I added some new GADGETS to my page. Blogs I follow (IT SADDENS ME HOW MUCH BETTER THESE PEOPLE ARE THAN I AM) & the ability to now BECOME A FOLLOWER.

Don't think. Just do it. You know you love me.

Ask & You Shall Receive

2008-09-23T00:29:00.001-04:00

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Lost & Found

2008-09-22T21:10:00.004-04:00

Today, my personal project - yet to be finished - was an entire room overhauling.

I bring you, my list of things I've lost and things I've found - in the process of tidying up my living space.

Things Found:

A 2-for-1 coupon for Guzzo theatres.
Headphones for my cell phone. (Do they work? Only time can tell.)
7 complete scrapbook pages from my vacation with an ex-boyfriend. GOD, THOSE ARE USEFUL NOW. MAYBE I'LL EVEN FINISH THAT ALBUM. And by maybe, I mean they're going straight to the trash.
Class notes from when I took Java programming. 3 YEARS AGO.
Beloved plain black American Apparel headband, oh, how I missed you!
Shrinky Dink paper & other assorted craft items. Craft party, anyone?
My diva hat, also known as my WITCH HAT.
Ancient high school advice column letters & newspapers. I used to be famous, you know!
More purses and shoes living UNDER my bed than in my closet. That says a lot, you know.
4 board games: Beatles Monopoly [I AM that cool. Stop being jealous.], Here & Now Monopoly, Rummy Q/Cube (?) and Backgammon.

Things Lost:

My soul.
74 back issues of Cosmopolitan, ranging from March 2000 - May 2006. Yes. That's a lot of Cosmo. Good thing I stopped THAT habit and replaced it with 7 other better publications.
5 Cosmopolitan Style & Beauty specials, 18 People Style Watches, 6 Lou Lous, 7 Elles, 2 In Styles, 1 Real Simple & 1 Time magazine. I like magazines. A LOT.
1 Archie's Double Digest (# 71) - will that kooky redhead ever settle on Betty OR Veronica? COME ON ARCHIE. IT'S TIME TO GROW UP AND MAKE A DECISION.
4 assorted flavors of bubble tape packages.
Disney Monopoly. It's been MIA for ages. Methinks a certain Kiddo hid it...

There's naturally more, but I've opted to abandon ship and move on.

I leave you, sweet pets, with this:

That's my stack of magazines headed for the RECYCLE-CYCLE BIN. I seriously dread walking up and down the stairs 389 times. I probably should have let Momma Ditz and Kiddo help me with this. Oh well. Ditz never learns.

Today's Ditz Life Lesson: Never say NO to HELPFUL HANDS.

Also, in light of all my PodCamp insights, I STRONGLY encourage you, readerpets, to start commenting. I need your feedback. Tell me what you like. Tell me what you don't like. I want to hear what YOU have to say!

XOXO

Live: From PodCamp Montreal 2008

2008-09-20T13:11:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting in a session on Niche Podcasting, by a woman who blogs/podcasts about KNITTING. Typical. I'm having a really marvelous time. Learning a WHOLE PILE of methods, tactics that I hope to start applying to my blog. LOTSA CHANGES COMIN' UP SWEET PETS!

Anyways, more on all this later. Obviously. We'll discuss this experience! I need to pay attention.

Really, I just wanted an excuse to post this:

Sigh. From left to right, Yours Truly, Mr. David Usher, Friendly Disaster Pal.

More soon! XOXO

MODERATE Time Waster

2008-09-19T08:22:00.007-04:00

I just got home from visiting the StyleXchange sale. Top Kitten's prediction was TOTALLY OFF. She said I'd spend AT LEAST $200. WRONG-O, PET.

Let's go over the stats from this sale.

Totally NOT really worth your time.
Endless racks of messy OLD things, i.e. creepy sweaters & tops that NOBODY WOULD EVER WEAR.
Awkward PUBLIC changing "area". I was NOT emotionally (or underwearly) prepared for this. Thank god for long tops/dresses. (Today would've been a PRIME bodysuit day.)
I was unable to REALLY scan the racks of jeans because an Asian lady who HAPPENS to be my size KEPT HOVERING OVER ME and HIDING THINGS FROM ME.
For every decent pair of jeans (i.e. 7 For All Mankind, J Brand, Citizens of Humanity, Taverniti) there were about 7 pairs of lower end labels (Second, OK! jeans). Average amount of Miss Sixtys and Diesel.
ALMOST bought a pair of Juicy black velours, EXCEPT upon closer inspection, THEY HAD ELASTIC HEMS ON THE LEGS. I.E. GENIE/MC HAMMER PANTS. I don't care if they're all over Fashion Week. I'm not emotionally ready for that.
Waiting in line to pay? PAIN IN THE ASS. Two French girls were in front of me, MAKING THE CASHIER CHECK PRICES OF EVERY SINGLE ITEM THEY WERE CONSIDERING. Out of her pile of 40+ items, the idiot only paid for MAYBE 6. I was waiting a VERY LONG TIME.
Prices: average. Some things were SUPER CHEAP, others, still expensive. They had a bunch of pairs of 7 for all Mankind/Great China Wall studded jeans. Those are easily 3 years old. They'd originally retailed for over $500 per pair, but were at this sale for $150+. THAT'S NOT THAT GREAT OF A DEAL FOR JEANS THAT ARE AT LEAST 3 YEARS OLD. [Note: Great China Wall is not only a wonder of the world, but also an L.A. based clothing line. FYI.]
What did I actually buy? 2 pairs of jeans. 1 pair of Citizens (original price: $210, sale price: $55) and 1 pair of Frankie Bs (original price: $160, sale price: $44). Both low-rise and fairly wide-legs. Why only wide-legs? Because I am a Charlie's Angel. Deal with it.

Bottom line: the sale is still on tomorrow. If you happen to be around Old Montreal and you have the patience of a nun, then go take a gander. Otherwise, DON'T BOTHER.

OH NO.

2008-09-19T08:22:00.004-04:00

I should be getting ready to leave my house for work. BUT I'M NOT. I'M LOOKING AT SHOES ON ZAPPOS. I really REALLY want a pair of tall fringey moccasin boots. Almost as much as I want a pet Falcon and/or Chupacabra and/or Unicorn. Hey, a Ditz can dream, no?

I need these boots. Look at these boots. Now calm your hormones. I KNOW I already have 4 pairs of fake Costco Uggs, and 1 pair of real ones, BUT THESE ARE DIFFERENT. LOOK! LEOPARD SKIN!!!!

That's it for now. I just wanted to bring these fabulous pieces of deliciousness to everyone's attention.

Now go love life.

LIVE FROM CLASS

2008-09-18T20:22:00.001-04:00

I just thought everyone should know that the agenda I so thoughtfully bought myself is FRENCH.

Not returning it. I have a case of the lazies and I already tore out half the triangles.

Looks like there's no better day than today to start embracing FRANCAIS.

AND IN OTHER NEWS

2008-09-18T15:08:00.003-04:00

Just so you all DON'T think I hoard information...

(I sort of do. You all know I keep the BEST stuff secret.)

Yesterday, today, tomorrow AND Saturday was/is/are [I'm just covering my bases, and putting all possible conjugatory options] a MAJOR StyleXchange sale.

Here are the details, as far as the email I received tell me:

Wednesday, Sept. 17: 10 a.m. - 9 p.m. [so it's in the past, I DON'T CARE]
Thursday, Sept. 18: 10 a.m. - 9 p.m.
Friday, Sept. 19: 10 a.m. - 9 p.m.
Saturday, Sept. 20: 10 a.m. - 5 p.m.

All of this goes down at Marche Bonsecours, in Old Montreal.

I don't know if it's last year's merch, samples, or defects being sold. It'll likely be a combination of everything. Last StyleXchange sale I went to was EXCEPTIONALLY disappointing. I will likely make a casual appearance tomorrow after work. Old Montreal is just a hop, skip and a jump away from my office, so I have NO EXCUSE as to why I cannot go.

I'll report on it tomorrow evening. You can COUNT ON THAT.

Waiting Room Disaster = Ditz

2008-09-18T13:52:00.006-04:00

Truth: Ditz can't be taken anywhere without ample supervision.
Truth: I had to write myself notes on the following lest I forget ANYTHING OF NOTE.

Headline: Ditz Sits in a Doctor's Waiting Room.
Subtitle: Two Hours Later, Hilarity Ensues.

Ditz needed to visit a doctor, for a usual checking visit, nothing major to report. Ditz was silly, and did not get to the office early, because she was lazy and preferred taking the extra 15 minutes to snooze, rather than be smart and leave at a reasonable hour. [Sidenote: Ditz did not receive her $5 incentive because she was tardy.] Upon her arrival, Ditz was greeted by a waiting room FULL of assorted patients, including various children (not her cup of tea in the morning, thank you very much) and a few kindly elderly folk. Oh, and some young ladies who felt it necessary to openly discuss their personal life trials and tribulations ("Oh, it's just so hard being single and successful, men just find me too intimidating!" "I am just ready to be engaged and married already! I can't wait to have CHILDREN!"), but they aren't the point of the story. They get no further press.

MOVING RIGHT ALONG...

Ditz plopped herself on the edge of a couch, positioning herself near the door. She was ambitious. She brought in one of her school textbooks to get ahead on her reading. AMBITIOUS. Promptly upon opening her text, a CHARMING SPRAT of a child decided it was necessary to use the rocking horse next to Ditz's seat. Ditz clearly did NOT survey the seating options properly. Furthermore, the child ALSO felt it was necessary to periodically KICK DITZ in the arm. CHILD'S MOTHER IS LUCKY DITZ IS DOCILE IN THE MORNING BEFORE HER SYSTEM IS TARNISHED WITH COFFEE AND/OR CAFFEINE.

Ditz was then BLESSED with a lovely elderly lady who decided to NOT allow Ditz her several inches of personal space on the COMPLETELY EMPTY COUCH. Elderly Lady practically sat on Ditz's lap. Now, for those of you who missed the memo, Ditz has the potential to be THE biggest PEST this side of the Atlantic. Elderly Lady had proceeded to read her newspaper. Ditz, knowing that NOBODY on this planet enjoys strangers reading over their shoulders, decided she was PARTICULARLY CURIOUS about what this Lady was reading, ON EVERY SINGLE PAGE.

Ditz is a total pain in the rump roast. She knows.

Elderly Lady kept UNcasually turning the paper away from nosy Ditz, BUT KEPT INCHING CLOSER ON THE COUCH. Ditz decided that instant that it was necessary to begin texting not one, not two, but THREE precious pets at the SAME TIME, thus causing her mobile telephone device to vibrate at 15 second intervals. Upon feeling vibrations on her leg, Elderly Lady MOVED AWAY.

BREAK FOR MORAL COMPASS TIME.
Storytime Moral #1: Give Ditz personal space.
Storytime Moral #2: Use vibrating cell phones to GAIN personal space.
Storytime Moral #3: Ditz is a GIANT pest.

Ditz casually turned her attention to the pile of young noisy sprats playing on the floor, WHO ALL KEPT PUTTING THEIR MOUTHS ON EVERY SINGLE TOY THEY TOUCHED. [Note to self: disinfect mouth after playing with toys that the children have touched.] Do these children NOT REALIZE that saliva transfers GERMS faster than dirty syringes??

Storytime Moral #4: Avoid playing with fun toys in doctors' offices.

Moving along, Ditz got blessed, during this TUMULTUOUS waiting room excursion, with a precious Kitten Fan. Kitten Fan and Ditz discussed life, shoes, precious moments, until Kitten Fan decided it was enough waiting for her, and she was to move on with her day. Ditz escorted KF outside, with the purpose of passing onto KF one of her precious business cards, HOT OFF THE PRESS. Ditz re-entered the waiting room, having left her jacket in her car due to the impending heat wave.

And you know what? Elderly Lady - who Ditz did NOT sit next to upon her return - announced to the waiting room that the "Young lady who had been sitting next to her" had LEFT AND WAS NOT RETURNING.

Storytime Moral #5: In order to confuse people, REMOVE YOUR JACKET. Nobody will EVER recognize you.

Bottom line: In going outdoors for all of 3.6 MINUTES, I almost lost my turn. Thank god other people recognized me and knew I was next. I am also as healthy as a horse. In a positive, upbeat way, of course.

Confession

2008-09-14T13:42:00.002-04:00

I can't deal with The Hills. Not even a little teensy bit. I can't deal with Lauren Conrad's "designer" status. I don't like that Perez is CONSTANTLY littered with Hills garbage. LC's "line" of clothing is overpriced plain crap. Heidi Montag is Barbie, reincarnated. Lauren Conrad just got a book deal to write "fictitious" stories about a girl who moves to L.A. to star in a "reality" show. FICTITIOUS, EH? SURVEY SAYS: LIES.

I could go on forever. I really just can't stand this pathetic excuse for reality TV. Why can't we have The Bachelor/Bachelorette all year long?!

Confession: while I loathe The Hills and everything about the god-forsaken show, I seriously SERIOUSLY love one of Heidi Montag's singles. Overdosin'.

Don't judge me. You all know that I secretly [not so secretly] love trashy pop music. I don't know all the words yet, but you MARK MY WORDS. It'll be featured on my next "Songs You'll Hate But I Love" car mix.

I'm the reason these songs get to #1 on iTunes.

Queen of Double Standards

2008-09-13T16:09:00.004-04:00

Right, that would be me.

I felt like getting out of my house for a total of 24 minutes this afternoon. In my VARIED unsuccessful trials at being organized, I decided I NEED an agenda. The agenda-use stage usually lasts approximately 2 months. Never more.

ANYWAYS.

Bureau en Gros near my house was my ultimate destination. Here's today's beef with life.

In the mall parking lot, there's about 6-8 spots reserved for Bureau en Gros quick-customers, A.K.A. ME. Know what really grinds my gears? WHEN I CAN'T PARK THERE BECAUSE NON-BUREAU EN GROS CUSTOMERS ARE USING THEM. I had to park FAR AWAY and walk FAR.

Why is this me being a Double Standard Queen? Because I am INSANELY guilty of using those convenient spots for non-Bureau en Gros excursions. Like ALWAYS.

BUT THEY SHOULD STILL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR ME. That store, seriously.

I'm taking predictions on how long my organized state will last me. 2 weeks? 3? 4 days? 12 minutes? You decide.

IN OTHER NEWS: New Facebook is here to stay. How long before disgruntled members deactivate? Truthfully, I don't LOVE IT, but I'm okay with change. I love the live feed. Makes stalking THAT MUCH EASIER.

Punishments OR Signs From The Lord Upstairs

2008-09-11T18:32:00.002-04:00

Scene: Ditz's place of employment
Time: Approximately 1:30 p.m.

Ditz is casually sitting at the reception desk. Kind, friendly Major Bee brings in BAGS of DANISH. Major Bee offers Ditz DANISH. DITZ ACCEPTS, because she can NEVER resist ANYTHING baked and/or sweet and/or danish-like. Ditz takes 3-4 bites of giant danish. Ditz KNOCKS danish onto the floor, STICKY SIDE UP.

Ditz - despite usual 5 second rule - places danish into the trash receptacle.

NO MORE DANISH FOR DITZ.

Sign from the Lord upstairs: Ditz needs to chill on the danish eating. Ditz has jeans she needs to fit into.